Adam Levin - The Instructions

By then I couldn’t distinguish the one choice from the other.

I held my hands out to Shmooly, palms down. Shmooly held his under mine, palms up. And then he scored. Probably I let him.

There was finger-writing across the fog of the bus-door’s windows. It looked like this:

I wiped it out with my sleeve and went to the wheel-well seat, where Vincie had put my coat and backpack.

“Why’d you wipe what I wrote?” he said.

It signified wrong, I told him.

“It fucken whated wrong?” he said.

I said, You wrote it in the shape of a torture instrument.

“I was saying we’re like crucified,” said Vincie. “The like crucification of the Side of Damage,” he said.

We’re not crucified, I said.

“I didn’t say we were fucking crucified. I said like crucified. Like we’re crucified ish . By the Arrangement. Like you said. Why do I have to play the dumb one all the time?” He stabbed the cushion of his seat with a Bic.

You’re not dumb, I said. You’re smart.

“I’m not smart, Gurion, but I’m not dumb either, and I didn’t say that I was. I asked why do I have to play the dumb one if I’m not dumb, which I’m not?”

I said, You don’t have to play the dumb one, no one said you have to play the dumb one, and we’re not crucifiedish, I never said that. Even if we were, it still doesn’t make sense to write WE DAMAGE WE that way because WE isn’t crucified on ARRANGEMENT the way you wrote it. WE isn’t even crucified on DAMAGE the way you wrote it — the way you wrote it, the WEs are the arms of DAMAGE.

He said, “People can see it better if it’s shaped like a cross. At least I can. But what do I know, since I play the dumb one, which I’m not asking you if I have to play the dumb one or not — I’m telling you: I play the dumb one. Like, I’ve had a crush on the same girl since kindergarten, and I have a million things to say to her, and I don’t think they’re dumb, but I play the dumb one when I see her. She sees me seeing her, and I know what to say, but instead I play the dumb one. I pretend I wasn’t looking. I squint at fucken nothing. I don’t say fuck-all. I play the fucken dumb one. But I don’t know why I do that and what I’m asking you is why I do that. Why the fuck do I do that?”

What’s the girl’s name? I said.

“I’m not fucken telling you. But see? That’s exactly my fucken point, what just happened — you thought you could catch me off-guard, like if you asked me fast enough, I’d tell you her name, like a tricked fucken dumbass, and you think that because of how I always play the dumb one. And so I’m asking you why I always play the dumb one.”

I said, How should I know why you do what you do?

He said, “You’re the leader of the Side of Damage. If anyone should know—”

Who says I’m the leader? I said.

“ Everyone says you’re the leader. Even Asparagus. We were tagging the foursquare court at recess and Main Man saw us, and Asparagus was nervous Main Man was gonna narc him out because of how Main Man’s retarded, so Asparagus told him, ‘Remember we’re all on the same side.’ And Main Man said, ‘Gurion said that.’ And Asparagus was like, ‘That’s what I’m saying. Gurion’s the leader of the Side of Damage.’ And then all afternoon, Mookus kept writing the same note over and over and tossing it to everyone. Look.” Vincie unfolded a square of paper and showed me:

H LLO!

GURION IS TH L AD R OF TH SID OF DAMAG !

— MOOKUS

“And Mookus is only first of all, because then Ben-Wa said you were the leader — he didn’t actually say it, but he asked us to give you that note we gave you. The note asked you if he could join the Side of Damage — it asked you and not us. So we thought: Gurion must be the leader. And thirdly it made sense for other reasons, too, because you lead us. And because who can beat you up? No one can beat you up. Maybe Nakamook could, but he wouldn’t, so no one. So you’re the leader.”

I said, What if I don’t want to be the leader?

“Why wouldn’t you want to be the leader? I’d kill to be the leader.”

Exactly, I said.

“I wouldn’t kill you , Gurion. You’re my friend.”

I’m not everyone’s friend, I said.

He said, “You could be if you wanted. At least in the Cage. Everyone in there wants to be on the Side of Damage now. Nakamook tell you about the carrels yet? I bet he didn’t, cause it fucken tweaked him, but you should see the carrels. All of them are tagged with WE DAMAGE or DAMAGE WE or WE DAMAGE WE. I bet Benji didn’t tell you cause it got him so pissed cause he thought we’d get in trouble even though I told him we wouldn’t get in trouble because you can’t get in trouble for being suspected of vandalism — you have to get caught in the act of vandalism. If you could get in trouble for just being suspected then me and Leevon and him would’ve all gotten in trouble with Brodsky for the scoreboard today, because one thing we were, man, was fucken suspected . By Brodsky himself . And where’s the trouble? Where’s the fucken trouble? There isn’t any trouble. We’re in no fucken trouble. And then Botha himself proved me fucken right cause right before the end of the day he saw one of the tags on scabby-ass Mark Dingle’s desk and he started to yell at Dingle, and Dingle said he didn’t do it, that the tag was there when he arrived that morning. And Botha didn’t believe him, and he tried to make a rat of him because he remembered that Dingle’s boy Salvador had sat at the desk the day before, and he told Salvador he’d be suspended for the vandalism on Dingle’s carrel because he thought it would get Dingle to confess, which is so fucken stupid because Salvador’s weird but he’s no kinda dumbfuck and so he said he didn’t do it, but that he’d noticed the tag was there when he came back from lunch yesterday. Real smart is how he said it: ‘I noticed it for the first time when I got back from lunch,’ he said, meaning, like, ‘It could’ve been there for weeks, for all that I know.’ And everyone was watching, Gurion, because Botha was having such a fucken fit, and since everyone was watching, they all learned the fucken blueprint for how to lie about the tags without ratting anyone out, so when Botha gave up on Dingle and Salvador, and he saw the other tags all over the carrels, he went for Jesse Ritter, who told the same story as Dingle’d told, and when Botha went for Forrest Kenilworth who’d sat in Jesse’s chair the day before, Forrest told the same story as Salvador’d told, and then Botha — Gurion, he fucken gave up . Just sat at his desk and acted all busy til the tone. Anyway, I was right: Benji shouldn’t have been worried that we’d get in trouble, and I told him that, too, but he told me he wasn’t worried we’d get in trouble, and he said I missed the point, that’s not why he was pissed, and when I said, ‘What the fuck’s the point, then? Why the fuck you pissed?’ he was just, like, ‘Tch,’ and I threw him at a locker and he swept me at the knees, and then he picked me back up and we came and got you in Brodsky’s to take you to June. But what I’m saying is this: none of those tags on the carrels were there before lunch, and that means they weren’t there til after everyone heard the scoreboard got totalled — which seriously upped Ben-Wa’s snat by the way — and what I’m getting at is no one told anyone to tag the carrels — at least not me or Benji — we didn’t say anything to anyone, so everyone did it on their own, not from any fucken peer pressure or threat or any kind of fucken bullshit like that, so what I’m saying is I don’t think those kids want to kill you. And even if they did — could they? No way they could. Not with how stealth you are, and then me and Nakamook and Leevon and Asparagus on your side. We could bury all those fuckers, but we wouldn’t even have to is all I’m saying. And probably they’re not fuckers is all I’m saying. Probably they’re our friends if we want them to be, I’m saying. Probably they’re on the Side of Damage and would never even think of trying to kill you.”