Joseph McElroy - Women and Men

— No, said the man years later, you don’t hold the charge; naturally you get burned, etcetera, but you don’t hold the charge—

— so what brought the boy to that moment setting in motion the Princess’s departure, hence the Navajo Prince’s, hence, foreign to all we are supposed to know, his mother’s recovery to life and legend right there without moving an inch and where she had been dead, although the demons did come back although they found her Indian head healed of its hole, and could but canter about among the follicles of her supple scalp for the first time getting to know each other ‘stead of being all business—

— and it was not until another time that he and his grandmother went into the matter of downcoming and upgoing weather, when they seemed to reach an intolerable moment when he had to speak of his mother to her and almost did not—

because he heard his mother’s voice saying what he had, however, heard her say once already: "I am waiting for it to come to me. I know it’s going to. It’s inside me." Oh she was smart, that’s why she got herself into these spots to get out in one piece: he heard that, too, like some thought she had had when he was inside her but we don’t believe any of that crap, it’s in the same league as reincarnation. She was asked if she hoped it was a girl this time around — oh God I just hope it can walk as soon as possible! — well it’s not a horse (a foal) feeling for its stirrup out in the darkness of the unknown world! — until, knowing the awful word because Sam’s mother had known somebody who had one, he asked his father, Did she really want to have Brad? (the little spoiled bastard) and his father for once in a lifetime backhanded him across the bridge of the nose, a point hard but sensitive to pressure, only then to ask him what he thought he was saying. And the boy who felt like a man but enough to honor his father’s stupid pain and not strike back, replied, Just did she want to go through with it? — so his father stumbled out of the room and the boy knew the man didn’t know how to say I’m sorry I hit you, and the boy thought correctly that he would despise the man for many a year.

Yet forget though we may that long ago in terms of American continental space-time the Indians had horses that were midnight blue from Mexico — the hoofbeats go on along the parallel tracks that cross at will in memory as if they were underground upside down by our angle and we were in the ground not they — we already remember a beeg difference between the levity that itself can be seen visibly coming out of the collected mouths of those concerned, and the real wounds appearing on the surface of the long-mentioned and long-suffering victims’ form as he or she is bent to her task of recalling what the interrogator has or had asked, including how the Hermit was entitled to the title "Inventor." We, as his and others’ relations have spoken for Mayn, who havee power but dinna want ooze same, and in speaking for him suggested that while subject may be encouraged, nay gladly prodded, to find in recollection a future of sorts, and truly the past recollected the person in such a way as to concoct a future, a parallel to turn to or on, parallels meet, which they do on these new spherical drawing boards plus in the horse latitudes though strictly speaking it’s horses there who meet.

When the Hermit-Inventor in need of a breather and fresh from his New York exploits though unable to sell the real world of commercial architecture on his theory of wind shadows told the Anasazi ancient that the horse latitudes were so cold because horses were thrown overboard in those oceans, the Anasazi explained that this in turn was because sea and land were joined like earth and sky and once ships had been able to sail right through the land and horses galloped the waters, but horses had forgotten all this and it was cruel to just throw them into the sea. We didn’t hear them any more. But after all these tapeworm tracks and evolution of self to new limited senses of the worm, the not-hearing of those horses kept up till we had to admit in the absence of interrogation that we saw the horses we had heard, there’s a number of us, so a number of them, while admitting as well that a man James Mayn (not always to be identified with the boy who looked out of his grandmother’s house into massed leaves mysteriously withholding their trees or with the fratri-being who left the other house, his own, second every morning for school) saw them (horses) like a (dreamlike?) recollection (reported wifeward, who herself would always say, in the days when she was near enough by to be heard, Oh you always have them, you don’t remember them) the horses were racing, two dark brownies left to right, two paler incompleties below the first two but racing (or, better said, frisking, left to right) yet from the right came two others going the other way like a market or the optical illusion a wagerer has that the horses he has bet are running in the wrong direction and will reach the finish line too soon; but, Mayn finds in the (day?) dream some horse that grew long mountain horns and a one-line body no less abstract than the two mere lines of long horns (long arcs) and two that are identical but legs, directed downward in case gravity evolved in the body drawing it toward where gravity go; except that to his wife in the morning as one day in the future to another who isn’t his wife but some of the same things get said like was, horse, you, antler, laughing, water, new, though it can’t all be reincarnate-new until he said, oh of course it was that postcard — which postcard? asks the lady from beside him, and with fatal charm adds, I don’t know anything about any postcard. .!

— Postcard a fellow sent me, French guy, we talked about Polaris subs in a cab going to the airport, or was it the other way around? the card was the famous caves with the drawings twenty, thirty thousand years ago, better than I could do.

— Let’s go see them, she says, but what did you mean the other way around?

— Oh it may just have been Polaris cabs we were talking about in a sub going to the airport.

— Airports are on dry land.

— Anyway only five people can see the caves at a time.

— There’s just the two of us.

— But it’s the humidity, the chemistry; open the cave and the humidity erases all the drawings. You have to be a scientist, a scholar.

— Scientists don’t hold their humidity?

— That’s more or less the idea.

— Oh Christ what time is it?

— Too early. Am I being interrogated again?

— No, just haunted. Well, I wasn’t asking you. You’re not here.

— Thank goodness I’m not. I don’t have to listen to you nag.

— I take full responsibility.

— You would.

— Look, there’s a river running in the middle of the air between the halves of canyon, I mean it’s just optical, but—

— It’s not the sort of thing that happens in Europe. We ought to be in the American desert.

He heard horses’ hooves from the cemetery, which we some of us recall lay between the golf course and the race track, each of these tracts farmland more recently than this other field where bodies planted in time might yield lettered stone and eminent urns of granite flowers. Facts arose that you could arrive at in later years for a living, arose from the cemetery moment when he decided to close down his grandmother’s stories. Yet arose is not just arose — and didn’t he call a halt to those tales upon surmising that the stories were not so much like what had really happened to the East Far Eastern Princess as (uh oh) really were what had happened? At the intolerable moment between grandson and grandmother when they were discussing downcoming and up-going weather and he had to — had to — speak to her of his mother departed, what was to be asked? asks an interrogator so internalized it could be I or they across that sexually shared ocean. Was she perhaps sick and tired? Why did a woman glimpsed in one of Margaret’s tales pound her belly with stones and eat ground-up horses’ bones for a late-afternoon snack? It wasn’t the common cold she had, or the measles, or what Indians hither and yon were likewise curiously unimmune to, to wit Eurasiatic tuberculosis, which the Anasazi healer may have had for two hundred years or more since he wheezed like that three-hundred-pound old bullet-riddled General Winfield Scott so President Lincoln could hear him coming in the next room. On the other hand, the Anasazi grew widely bald down his center part-line — and baldness is more rare than gray hair among Indians. How do you remember all that? When did that happen Gramma? Who was the woman pounding her belly? — It was a woman called Tall Salt, a widow, and she did the asking of the person who had interrupted her. Jim felt very much like a man at fifteen. So what? So plenty, even allowing for silly dialect jokes he and Sam told — Jewish, Negro, foreigner, farmer’s daughter. Felt then like a man why? Was it because he looked in at his widower father pyjama’d amidst more surplus man-hours of sleep than Jim needed? Was it that in sotto voce discussion with his friend Sam at the drugstore soda fountain about to order a second chocolate Coke, he answered Sam’s "It ain’t exactly a hole" with "It’s an opening; but it’s not quite open… it’s.. " Was it because with less parent to go around Jim was victim to what, later in the dying century, came one inclement year to be called "parentifuckation"? Or was it that he had early experienced as vicarious future that mode of murder called by the same (Latin family) as that given and ahead-thrown generation later, to the effect on an arriving missile of the thermonuclear explosion set off by the preceding target-happy missile so that he felt he had foreseen such usage of the term in question, "fratricide." This was more like it, for if he seldom or never felt his strange presence in the future as his responsibility to himself, he did early think (ahead), "I’m getting out of this," unlike his brother, who sat around the kitchen table with Mel, who’s supposed to be their father, and planned never to leave that town and was reassured by Mel and in turn reassured him that the lady of the house was not returning from the dead or from whatever matter she was with them and their mad memories — or the matter.