Goliarda Sapienza - The Art of Joy

‘That’s what I like about you. But don’t fool around with this man because, if I want to, I’ll saddle you with a child. And then you’ll have to think of me for at least a year.’

‘You’ve miscalculated, Carmine. Do you think I would have been so unconcerned these past months if I didn’t have a way of staying free?’

‘Of course not! But the way you mean causes pain and often death.’

‘I knew you’d say that! Not for someone who has money, Carmine, money and know-how. Did you find me pale and sickly the night you came back?’

‘I found you stronger and more beautiful. Let me kiss you.’

‘And just a few days earlier, in a small, sterile room, with a simple, painless operation, I rid myself of an inconvenience. And I’d do it again if you got the idea of trapping me. No one owns Modesta.’

‘Modesta is smart and strong-willed. And Carmine declares himself beaten … You want to stay like that, on top of me? Stay on top and take me. Carmine is old. He’s learned the wisdom of losing.’

‘It’s easy to afford the luxury of acting like a lamb, when nature has favoured you with being born a wolf.’

On top of him — that lamb — I set the rhythm, and come with him. But now I know that my hatred conceals envy.

‘Will you teach me the wisdom of losing, Carmine? I have too much anger in me sometimes, and I’d like to learn.’

‘Well, you can teach a lot of things: how to ride a horse, how to make love, but you can’t give your own experience to someone else. Each of us must gain his own, over the years, making mistakes, stopping, going back and starting all over again.’

‘Why is that?’

‘Well, if you could teach it, we’d all be the same!’

‘You know, Carmine, sometimes I think it would be wonderful to be born old and die as children.’

‘The things you come up with! I like the way you think, Modesta. Of course, it would be wonderful, and it’s good to dream. But nature planned things differently.’

‘So, did I beat you, Carmine?’

‘It’s only right. A person must rebel. If Vincenzo had rebelled, truly rebelled I mean, I would never have let that carusa from Modica into the house. I, in my day, opposed my father’s will concerning a woman. And since I wouldn’t budge on that point, and had always served him most valiantly, doing his shooting and the work of four men, he had to give in. My father was a great man! You could always tell when he was coming. And when he walked out the door, he was still with us.’

‘You’re like that too.’

‘Others may think and say that. I have no way of knowing.’

‘I said so.’

‘If you said so, I accept it.’

‘Don’t act like a sheep, Carmine, or you’ll make me see red again. Now that you’ve given me such pleasure, I don’t want to hate you.’

‘So, you got rid of a child, Modesta? I won’t ask whose it was.’

‘I did.’

‘Painlessly? How can that be?’

‘Times change, Carmine. Science is discovering many things. And this one benefits us women. With knowledge and the help of doctors, women will soon be free of so many decrees that nature and overlords have heaped on them.’

‘Are those the words of that Carlo, the doctor? Is that how he talks?’

‘Yes.’

‘Is that why you say that word that’s so difficult to say?’

‘What word?’

‘Love.’

‘Yes.’

‘Has he taught you many things?’

‘Yes, many things; even how to swim.’

‘Don’t make me laugh, Modesta. That’s impossible. You can’t learn to swim unless you’re a child. At one time I tried, but I was too old, and by then I was afraid of the water.’

‘Because you had no one to teach you. I learned.’

‘Maybe I believe you, maybe I don’t, Modesta. You wouldn’t be saying that just to get the upper hand and make me jealous of that man, would you?’

‘Let me dispel your doubt. Come…’

* * *

I’m afraid, but I have to show him. The sea, without the sun, now seems deep and hostile like it did before. Perhaps by following the gleaming path the moon traces on that dark expanse, I can overcome my fear. On the shore, Carmine follows me with doubtful eyes, his trousers rolled up to his thighs. Waves as light as palm fronds are already lapping at my shoulders. I shudder, but I have to show him even if it kills me. I could never turn back to face his mocking wolf-eyes. I’m trembling, but I lift my feet off the sand and move toward the horizon, focused only on the moon’s path. To make my victory complete, once I’m out in the open water, I roll over on my back and do the dead man’s float. Maybe if I relax, the trembling will subside. With unseeing eyes, a dead man’s eyes, I focus on the moon dangling there, smiling dimly … Someone yells from the shore. It must be him. I can’t answer. What if I don’t go back? He’s called three times, and he must have come out after me because now he gathers me up, and the moon flings the waves against the white of his shirt.

‘That’s enough, Modesta! You scared me! That wasn’t funny, figghia ! Was there any need to go out that far? I swear to God you scared me! What if you suddenly fainted? You’re all cold and trembling! And there I am, stuck on shore, watching helplessly!’

Now recovered, I let him carry me in his arms.

‘Let’s go back. There’s no use my putting your dress on for you. Know what I’ll do? I’ll wrap you in Orlando’s blanket. Look, even Orlando is pawing the ground. I swear to God, he, too, had a fright!’

‘You and he were scared … I’m just cold.’

‘Of course! That’s why I’m wrapping you nice and snug in the blanket. Leave it to me. There, like that.’

‘I can swim. Did you see?’

‘Of course I saw! I should have been struck dead when I challenged you! You take too many chances, carusa ! Here, let me bundle you up.’

‘I’ll let you bundle me up, but you have to say: “Modesta can swim.”’

‘Modesta can swim, but now she has to quiet down. And let Carmine take her home like a good little girl, like a sensible picciridda .’

Restored to life in the blanket’s warmth, cradled by his arms and the deep beating of his heart, I don’t want to fall asleep. I don’t want to miss one step of that echoing gait magnified by the night. In the dense wood, the moon’s light is blocked out and the palm grove’s darkness settles on my eyelids, but I don’t want to sleep. With an effort, I raise my face up to his neck and twirl my fingers around the wiry curls, motionless in the faint breeze that has suddenly begun to stir. In order to stay awake, all I have to do is take the ear hidden beneath his bushy sideburns in my teeth, and nibble on it.

‘Sing to me, Carmine.’

‘I can’t sing, picciridda .’

‘How far have we gone, Carmine?’

‘A long way, Modesta.’

‘And how far do we still have to go?’

‘A long way.’

‘And you aren’t going to die, are you, Carmine? You lied so you’d have an excuse to come back.’

‘That may be, Modesta. Who can say?’

‘You can tell me, Carmine, because I recognized you when you came back … When was it you came back?’

‘An eternity ago!’

‘Tell me it isn’t true. You can tell me, because you know that during this eternity I’ve been happy with you.’

‘I can’t tell you anything. But if dreaming is good for you, then go to sleep and dream. Dreams and sleep are more nourishing than bread.’

‘I don’t want to sleep.’

‘Then don’t sleep.’

‘Did you see that I can swim?’

‘Of course I saw! But don’t try it again, not at night or by day, at least not in front of someone like me who has no love for the sea.’