Goliarda Sapienza - The Art of Joy

‘You got scared, huh?’

‘And how!’

‘So if you got scared, how come your heart didn’t stop? No answer? I know why you won’t answer.’

‘Let’s hear it. Why won’t I answer?’

‘Because it’s not true that you’re going to die.’

‘No, I won’t answer because I’m trying to restrain my imagination. I don’t like falling for the uncertain plans suggested by my fantasies.’

‘What does that mean?’

‘It means that Carmine doesn’t like the dark alleys of the mind where the dagger of suspicion can appear and stab you in the back.’

‘Your words are obscure, Carmine.’

‘Because obscurity has clouded my eyes since I saw you in the middle of the sea. Now go to sleep. I’ll tuck you in bed. I won’t be back tomorrow. Don’t expect me.’

‘Why won’t you come back?’

‘Because I have to clear away these clouds in my head that make you seem like a stranger to me. Sleep now. Don’t pay any attention to me.’

‘No. I won’t sleep unless you tell me the reason for this sudden distance toward me.’

‘Carmine isn’t used to asking, to probing, carusa . He leaves that to the law. But if he can’t see clearly, he changes his course … Let me go! There’s no use hanging on to me. It’s all too easy to first sow suspicion and then try to erase the implication with wheedling embraces.’

‘No, it’s not yet dawn. You can’t go! You see, I’m right! It’s not true that you’re going to die if you can so heatedly go on your way and forget me as if you still had twenty years to live.’

‘I never heard that knowing you’re going to die makes you a coward.’

‘Damned old man! Get out, you and your suspicions!’

‘That’s what I’m trying to do, carusa ! Take your arms from around my neck; I don’t want to hurt you.’

‘Why can’t I throw you out?’

‘You know why.’

‘If it’s true that you can observe things, my clinging to you like this should tell you something.’

‘It tells me something, that’s certain, but you have to confirm it with your words. Only then will I know if my suspicion was a lover’s deceitful imagination.’

‘It was you, Carmine, I thought about when Carlo embraced me. And when he went away, I stroked myself and spoke your name.’

* * *

‘I have to go, Modesta. The woods are beginning to glimmer; there’s just time for me to have a smoke.’

‘I want to smoke too.’

‘So, get your pipe. Isn’t that why I brought it to you?’

‘No. I’ll smoke yours and you smoke mine.’

‘At your command, Padroncina .’

‘Why didn’t you want to call me Padrona , Carmine?’

‘Because you were a scazzittula di carusa , a snotty little brat. I told you.’

‘And now how am I?’

‘A strong, dangerous woman … But just look at this! She makes me smoke this tiny pipe … Give me mine back!’

‘Why did you bring me such a small one?’

‘A pipe has to fit the size of the hand, Modesta. My grandmother smoked one like this, in front of the house on summer evenings, under the mulberry tree.’

‘Your grandmother smoked? That surprises me.’

‘Oh, yes, she and her sisters. I don’t know which regions they came from before landing on the island with their father and brothers, loaded with gold and precious stones. I know little about it, because in our house we couldn’t talk much about it.’

‘And then?’

‘Then my grandfather and his brother moved quickly and snared two of those caruse , loaded with gold like madonnas, keeping them here on this land.’

‘And the others, the men?’

‘Bah! From what little I was able to drag out of my mother over the years, they continued on their way … Drifters, merchants … thieves, who can say? I must say, that pipe suits you, I swear to God! Tell me, Modesta, why did you use that word? Love is a precise word, and one should be cautious when using it.’

‘To wound you, old man. And I wounded you. For a couple of hours at least, I skewered you with doubt and made you suffer, like I suffered in your absence. How could you not see that? You’re not so tough, Carmine.’

‘Love sucks you dry; it makes you like glass! That’s why I fled from you at Carmelo. Who came looking for me back then, all the way to my doorstep?’

‘I did, Carmine. If I hadn’t come, wouldn’t you have come looking for me?’

‘Who can say what might have happened? But knowing my nature, almost certainly no. Many times I fled from that word, which can ruin your life more than wine and gambling, turning my gaze from a balcony full of frangipani where the day before you had stared with smouldering eyes.’

‘So then you love me?’

‘I said I did.’

‘No! You have to say: I love you, Modesta.’

‘I don’t like to say that word. Don’t make me mad!’

‘There’s no use getting up. I won’t let you go unless you say: I love you.’

‘Of course, if you cling to me like that and breathe your life’s breath into my mouth, I’ll have to say it.’

‘Say it, then.’

‘I love you, Modesta.’

‘How many times in your life have you said it, Carmine?’

‘Twice before you, figghia , and with you that makes three. And I thank my stars for not letting me find that man with you.’

* * *

‘I was afraid you wouldn’t come back.’

‘Why, Modesta?’

‘Last night you threatened not to.’

‘Listen to this picciridda ! Crying, too.’

‘But you threatened not to!’

‘At first, sure, but afterwards don’t you remember that we smoked together?’

‘So you’ll always come back, right, Carmine?’

‘Of course! Where else would I go? I have the feeling that even dead, I’d come back to look at you. I’ll come back from the eternal slumber, look at you, bring you gifts and watch that no one comes near you.’

‘You don’t fool me anymore, you sly old fox. You won’t ever die.’

‘That may be; anything is possible. We human beings don’t know anything … Why won’t you hug me? Don’t be like that. I got used to being hugged. You should always treat picciriddi and animals in a certain way; otherwise they pine away.’

‘You’re neither a picciriddu nor an animal.’

‘On the contrary, we’re all picciriddi and animals, myself included. Will you give me a hug?’

‘I don’t feel like it.’

‘Why?’

‘Because you didn’t come back.’

‘What! But I’m right here! Don’t you see me? Or are you saying that just to be difficult?’

‘I’m saying it because I dreamed that when you passed by the house with Orlando, you turned away from my window and kept going.’

‘And what do I have to do with the scenes your imagination makes up when you’re asleep?’

‘Didn’t you tell me that a person can run from love?’

‘I like the way you think, Modesta. But what you just said isn’t like you. Those are the thoughts of a foolish girl, not a strong woman like you. A person can run from anything if he learns to recognize what can harm him.’

‘What about destiny then?’

‘A word to reassure those who are miserable! You can control destiny as you please, if you’re determined.’

‘That’s what I think, too.’

‘Then why do you say things that differ from what you think?’

‘To get your confirmation.’

‘ Satanasso d’una carusa! What a little devil! You make me waste my breath, instead of embracing me.’

‘And partly because I had some doubt about what I thought.’

‘Let’s hear it.’

‘Carlo…’