Goliarda Sapienza - The Art of Joy

‘Then you don’t believe in God?’

‘What does God have to do with it?’

His voice, set free by death, the only sign of his fatal sentence, breathes through my hair and slams me against the reef of emotion. I cling to his neck so as not to drown, and seal his mouth with my own.

‘Oh, no, kitten, if you do that I’ll get the urge again, and then you’ll stop me with your hand — I know how you women are. And even though your lips are honey, I want to enter you all the way to your heart.’

‘So what will we do?’

‘Leave it to Carmine, tomorrow he’ll take care of it, but for now be good. Impulsive, that’s what you are. Tosta maredda , impulsive and impudent! 51You’re dead tired, and I have to go.’

‘But you’ll be back?’

‘Of course I’ll be back. When the house is quiet, like tonight, I’ll be back.’

Every night when the house grew quiet, Carmine returned. How was that old man able to cross the grounds, pass through the entrance hall and then, in that maze of corridors and stairs, find his way to my room?

‘Carmine is used to the dark, and good at remembering doors and passages and spots where danger may lurk.’

‘Is there danger in this house? Why did you come back?’

‘Because I forgot my pipe here.’

‘I won’t give it to you. No use looking for it. I won’t give it to you!’

‘Why not? Let’s hear it. Why won’t you give it to me?’

‘Because you know how to light it and I can’t. I tried and I burned myself. The only thing that came out was a bitter liquid, not smoke like when you did it.’

‘What do you mean? You’re a woman! What are you doing with a pipe and tobacco?’

‘I’ll tell you what I mean! I won’t give it to you unless you teach me how to light it.’

‘Listen to that! A sweet thing with a pipe in her mouth!’

‘Just once, Carmine, show me how you do it.’

‘All right, all right. But just this one time! I know you, you’re stubborn as a mule, and I can’t get along without my pipe! According to those in the white coats, I shouldn’t smoke anymore, or drink, or … never mind! For what? To gain two more miserable days to live? Forget it!.. Come on, I’ll teach you. Look: I’ll humour this whim of yours, figghia , but you’re not going to start smoking like a carusu , are you?’

‘Why not?’

‘But why? Tell me, why? Well?’

‘Because I’m also a carusu !’

‘That’s really a good one! You’re also a boy?’

‘That’s right. Half carusu and half maredda .’

‘And who told you that?’

‘I foresaw it. I saw it in my future, that I could shoot and smoke and run like Carmine when he was young. I saw you, you know, when you were young, and then I saw myself, old like you are now, but even older, much older. You’re going to die, but I’ll live three times your life. My future told me so.’

‘Good for you! If your future told you so, I won’t say another word! Here, look: this is how you have to fill it. Tobacco is soft and you tamp it in slowly, very slowly … That’s it, like that. I swear to God, you make me laugh with that pipe in your mouth! Now let’s see. Apply the flame and draw on it … Careful, the smoke should only go in your mouth! Hey, you’re not going to throw up on me, are you? Don’t draw so hard! Look at her! Whatever possessed you to smoke? So now that you’ve lit it, do you mind giving it back to me?’

‘Oh, no, I’m keeping it!’

‘Look, carusa , you’re driving me crazy! I swear to God, you remind me of my son! Lazzarolu and cocciu di tacca , 52like Mattia.’

‘What do lazzarolu and cocciu di tacca mean, Carmine?’

‘Aha, so we studied so much that we forgot our own language, hmm?’

‘I asked you what lazzarolu means!’

‘An arrogant young tough guy of no consequence.’

‘And cocciu di tacca ?’

‘Same thing. Young and brazen, as if to say: a fireball.’

‘Oh! And your son is like that?’

‘I think so. Sometimes he seems decent, but without substance; other times he seems bold and full of fire. Who knows! A man can know everything except his own blood. Now don’t make me get mad. Give me that pipe, or I’ll smack you one, like I did to Mattia, to make you behave!’

‘No! I’ll give it to you only if you promise me that when the house is quiet, you’ll bring me one just like it.’

‘Listen, Modesta, it takes years to learn to smoke a pipe properly.’

‘Fine. You bring me one and in time I’ll learn to smoke it properly. And why are you calling me Modesta now?’

‘What? Did I call you Modesta? I wasn’t aware of it.’

‘Yes; first figghia , and now Modesta.’

‘It’s true. And there’s a reason, but I don’t know if I can tell you … Are you going to give me that pipe or not?’

‘I’ll give it to you if you promise…’

‘All right, all right, I promise. Tomorrow I’ll find you a nice one, since trying to reason with you is like talking to the wind. Stubborn and beautiful, no question about it! Give it to me!’

‘Okay, but I have to put it in your mouth. You can’t touch it.’

‘That’s fine with me.’

‘No, don’t move your arms. I’ll put it in your mouth and I’ll take it out.’

‘So who’s moving! Can’t you feel I’m holding your waist? Such soft hips, Modesta! You weigh nothing, but your thighs and belly are nice and plump. Look at how she’s making me smoke! What if the flame goes out? It goes out easily, Modesta. Like the flame of love, it has to be nourished and protected.’

‘You called me Modesta again. Why? Tell me! Why won’t you tell me?’

‘Don’t ask. And take this pipe out of my mouth! Let me stroke you … you’re so hot, my hands are beginning to sweat.’

‘Tell me!’

‘It’s nothing, a silly thing! A mistake I made with you. And it wasn’t the first time I made the same mistake.’

‘What mistake?’

‘I had a woman, a wife and a treasure. And I thought this gold mine, which fate had effortlessly handed me without my having to snare her, you understand, was my rightful due. So I mined her, I mined gold from her lips and her embrace, but without appreciating her or paying attention to her. And after she had already given me two sons, I began to want a daughter. That was the only thing I wanted, without thinking about her. I should have known I was asking too much, because she was worn out and pale. But I couldn’t see that, and as a result she died under the surgeon’s knife. So they wrote to me. Only then did I realize what I had lost.’

‘What do you mean, they wrote to you? Where were you?’

‘In America, because of Uncle Antonio’s will. It was challenged and contested by a woman who was half Sicilian and half American, and didn’t want to give us what was coming to us. But never mind. An ugly business. Let me kiss you.’

‘You’ve been beating around the bush, Carmine, but you haven’t told me anything.’

‘How can you not understand? When I got back, the coffin was already in the ground. If I had at least been able to kiss her, dead, I would have come to terms with it in my flesh. Instead, for years and years I would see her in front of me, alive, with her dark, weary eyes … and I avoided the faces of unknown women who wanted to take her place.’

‘And so?’

‘So, nothing. With you I made the same mistake. ’Na scazzittula di carusa , a snotty little brat, you seemed like, based on my years of experience. And confused by my sons’ return — Carmine is not ashamed to say — I left you without hesitation. But within a week, I reached for you at night, and by day I saw you in the fields. I didn’t know which way to turn, and I ran to the vellute , the silken ladies who make you come if you pay. 53But to come, I had to keep repeating your name in my head. So now you know. Absence teaches you: I learned your name. The more I said it, the more beautiful you grew in my imagination. I’ve talked too much. Don’t you understand? Or is it your youth that prevents you from understanding, and lets you sleep so quietly there on my shoulder?’