Goliarda Sapienza - The Art of Joy

I didn’t know myself why I persisted in studying that way. But now that the threat had been issued, the thought of not being allowed to study anymore made me finish off two bowls of pasta that evening and lots of mashed potato; potatoes were said to be fattening. And in the morning milk, butter and heaps of jam. However, the idea of seeing Orlando again made me tremble with fear. Was it really Orlando I was afraid of, or Carmine?

Since our encounter I hadn’t thought of him again, nor had I looked at him, not even when he stood in front of me in the old woman’s study … There he was, coming down the broad lane, laughing. That smug laugh was insufferable. Outside the wall he was master. You could tell by the way the other man listened to him, one step behind, leading Orlando and another horse by the reins.

‘Good day, Padroncina . I am very pleased that you have decided to confront the horse. I leave you to Rosario; he’s the best riding master we have, and he will teach you properly. Remember, Rosario, the Principessina is a little frightened. With you, I feel confident. Riverisco, Padroncina , my respects.’

Rosario quickly linked his fingers together and positioned his hands to give me a boost up. But you could tell he was holding back. I felt so angry toward that deferential snotnose that I fell over the animal’s flank.

‘Forgive me, Voscenza , forgive me. I didn’t think you already knew how to leap up. Luckily you weren’t hurt! You weren’t hurt, were you?’

‘I’m fine. Don’t cower so! Where did Don Carmine go?’

‘Actually he must have gone back home…’

‘And where is that?’

‘Well, on foot it’s far. By horse, a good ten minutes.’

‘Take me there on the horse, then.’

‘But I have orders to…’

‘I’m the one who gives the orders here! Help me climb on and try not to let me fall again!’

He went on apologizing profusely. Feeling him behind me on the saddle, thin and spindly, was so disgusting to me that, using my thighs and knees, I managed not to lean on him.

‘Why, Voscenza is in perfect balance! That was my mistake, believe me, Don Carmine didn’t tell me. He said you were still afraid … That was my mistake.’

‘That wasn’t the mistake. Let’s go, I’m in a hurry!’

* * *

‘What’s this, Padroncina ? You’re telling me that Rosario made you tumble? Bravo, Rosario! I didn’t know you also had the knack of making beautiful girls tumble! Good for you … What? You don’t want him to teach you? Did you hear that, Rosario? It’s clear you didn’t make her fall hard. Now what do we do, Padroncina ? We’ll have to talk about it. I don’t have the time. What do you say, Rosario, should we try Beppe?… No, she says? It has to be me? All right then. You go back to work, Rosario, or we’ll waste all day here. I’ll try to settle things with the Principessina .’

He opened the door to let Rosario out, and when he had shut it again he leaned his back against it, staring at me. He was no longer smiling.

‘So then, it really has to be me?’

I couldn’t open my mouth, I was so angry over those words.

‘Well, answer me! And why are you trembling like that? We’re not on the horse. Say something.’

The familiar tu thrown in my face, him standing right there in front of me, made me raise my arms and pound his chest with clenched fists. I wanted to scratch his face, but he was too tall.

‘You’re beautiful. Strong too, and you want me. Do you know you want me?’

I was about to hit him again, but the truth of those words struck me like a lightning bolt. It was true. How could I have known it if he hadn’t told me? And here I thought that the trembling that gripped me in his presence was simple hatred. Should I run away? But why? I had never felt the frenzy that was coursing through my blood in the guise of hatred. It was a terrifying pleasure I had never experienced, and in order to feel it once more, I started striking him again. He let me do it. My arms and fists hurt from pounding that marble chest, making me sink into his motionless arms. That was his signal. As if that were all he had been waiting for, his hands close around my waist and lift me up, making me soar, light as a feather. It was like looking into a ravine. The greater the terror, the greater my desire to plunge in. I found myself on the floor with him on top of me. He had not undressed me, nor had he undressed. I felt him inside me. He wasn’t hurting me; he was moving gently. When he slid out, I knew he must have come just by the way his head slumped against my shoulder. But he said nothing, and I was burning all over since no shivers had come to relieve me.

‘I’m sorry about being in such a hurry, picciridda ; it’s just that I’ve wanted you for so long, and you really don’t know anything. Slowly, in time, I’ll teach you to come too. Your mothers don’t teach you anything, so it’s up to the man…’

* * *

And teach me he did. Every morning, just after sunrise. First to understand the horse, and later, there at his house, in that small bare room that smelled of tobacco.

‘It’s like with the horse. You have to tighten your thighs around me, and you have to move with me. It’s like being horse and rider. Let yourself go, figghia , don’t stiffen up as though I wanted to kill you. By now you know the animal, and I want to give you pleasure like you give me. You see, figghia , love isn’t what so many men who aren’t men say it is — and women too who aren’t women — the ones who go running from one lover to the next, barely feeling anything. With love, when you find it … to me it only happened once … no, not with Beatrice’s mother; that one was sick in the head like all of them in the villa, full of impulsive whims; one day she wanted it and the next day she cried … No, with a real woman whom I had for years; then she died on me. But that’s not what I wanted to say. The truth is that when you find the right woman or the right man, then it’s your duty to get to know one another. The body is a delicate instrument, more so than a guitar, and the more you study it and attune it to the other person, the more perfect the sound and the more intense the pleasure. But you have to help yourself and help me. You mustn’t feel ashamed. Here now, I’ll move very, very slowly and you follow me. And when you feel the heat building you have to tell me, so I’ll wait for you, and we’ll climax together. Why don’t you want to tell me, eh, picciridda , when you feel ready? If you don’t want to say it out loud, give me a sign, squeeze me tight, bite my ear, whatever you like. You’re warm and trembling all over, but I know you feel only a faint pleasure. That’s it, take your time, don’t be ashamed.’

How could I have known it if he hadn’t told me? Ever so slowly, I learned to follow him on that deep wave that held such thrills. And the first time I really came the pleasure was so intense I thought I had been struck by lightning.

‘ Brava , now you’re really a woman, and I cried out with you. I bet you didn’t even hear me, you were screaming so loudly when you came.’

For days and days I thought I had not learned the lesson well. And if I slid on the saddle, I was afraid of falling off … And when he, not speaking, grabbed me by the waist and tossed me onto the bed so that I felt my legs tense, I was always afraid that I might not reach that thrilling, satisfying shudder. But Carmine was skilful and patient. With his palms he guided me, easing the anxiety that made me rigid, and always after riding with him I plunged into that alluring, bottomless ravine.

‘That’s it, figghia , gallop! Yesterday you were a little scared, but today if you don’t let fear erase the memory of pleasure, you won’t be afraid anymore. Fear, like destructive thoughts, is a hardy weed and you must uproot it from your body immediately.’