Goliarda Sapienza - The Art of Joy

‘ Ma chi dici chista ’cca! Iu nun la capisciu, e tu? What is she saying? I don’t understand her, do you?’

As I knew from the time I was with the nuns, outside the wall they spoke another language.

‘ Ma chi dici? ’Na straniera havi a essiri, e chi voli? What is she saying? She must be a foreigner. What does she want?’

It was a good thing I hadn’t run away from the convent back then. But now I had money, and without another word, repeating only the name Carmela Licari, I handed out coins.

‘Ah, Carmela, she’s looking for Carmela, chidda ca parra comu ’na signura , the one who talks like a grand lady.’

One of them gestured with his head and, without saying a word, took me to a doorway closed off by a black curtain. But instead of letting me go in, he stood in front of the doorway, straightened his coppola like an adult and, spreading his legs, held out his open hand. I gave him more coins and he went back to the others shouting something that must surely have been an insult. I called out and when the curtain parted I was plunged back in time. A darkness smelling of mildew and sweat assailed me, making me feel like a little girl again. Flies buzzed around, knocking against the walls. Three beds had been added to the big bed where Mama slept with Tina. In back, the fire in the stove was out as usual.

‘What do you want?’

The voice wasn’t shrill like Mama’s.

‘Oh, holy God, it’s Signorina Modesta! What are you doing here, signorina ? Is something wrong? Have you run away? Oh God, signorina , this is no place for you! You haven’t come to make trouble in this house, already so wretched, have you?’

Terrified in turn by her fear, I cried out without meaning to,‘No, Carmela, no, I haven’t run away! I just want some information…’

‘Yes, yes, I understand. I too was very frightened the first time they took me to him. And to think — we’re both women after all — to think that I, due to poverty and bad luck, was experienced when I set foot in there. And that experience saved me. I’m not telling you these things for money, figghia . 25It’s just that I wouldn’t want anyone to go through what I did as I waited to enter that room … I’ll take the money, but only half of it. And only because, as you see, we are in great need. But I see that you are in a hurry. If they find out that you ran off, woe to you and to me. Look, figghia , for me it wasn’t hard, but you have to bear up. I’ll tell you. You should know that I was the first female the poor soul had seen. Now, even though you’re a woman, I don’t know where to begin … To make it brief and less embarrassing for you and for me, I — and don’t look at me like that or I’ll feel ashamed! — when I went there I thought he had been instructed. There was a doctor there too, but that’s another story. What do I know! I thought that the Prince had somehow been taught what a man does. And so, closing my eyes and not taking off my clothes — there are some who like to undress you … so then, closing my eyes — and to think I was ten years old when they put a man between my legs — I waited. A century passed, and from him, not a move. I opened my eyes, and that poor soul, fully clothed and with his … how can I say it? Well, all right, with his thing out, was touching himself, in a frenzy. In short, I learned that he didn’t know what to do with his thing, which, hard as a rock, must surely have been painful. And so, may the Madonna forgive me! With blessed patience…’

‘What?’

‘Since he knew nothing, and since it was convenient for me, I taught him to stroke himself up and down like men do. It couldn’t hurt him, that much I knew. A seaman told me that men do this when they are on ships, at sea for months and months. Even the ship’s doctor told him that it was not harmful to one’s health. In fact, he even confided to me that it gave him more satisfaction almost than doing it the regular way. Oh, figghia , how shameful to have to tell you these things. But you gave me a lot of money. Now you know. There is only the uncertainty of all the young women who came after me. That I can’t tell you. But now, tell me, what is it that’s really bothering you? That he’s ugly? He’s ugly, true, but he’s good, I can guarantee you that. Docile. Or since they are making him marry you, maybe you’re worried about not having children? Of course, with children your position would be stronger, but I wouldn’t have any with the Prince. I’m not telling you anything, you’re young! Look around you … I know these are vile things to say as far as religion goes, but don’t do as I did, being too trusting … look around you!

‘Now go, I hear them coming back from the fields. Go, figghia , my Michele is violently jealous. He is overcome with raging jealousy toward everyone in the villa … No, I don’t want all the money, it’s too much. No, no! All right, if you insist, I’ll take it. I see that you have a good heart, and I’ll accept the money, but only if you promise to think of me as being in your debt. Now run, run home, and don’t come out again…’

* * *

As I went out, the light blinded me as it had many years before, but men were approaching and I mustn’t think about the past. I had to run, as Carmela had told me. Going uphill, the endless gold of the wheat was less intimidating. And without looking, head lowered, I raced toward the dark patch of woods beyond which a high wall protected against the poverty which I had managed to escape, at least up till now, but which awaited me, unchanged, with a child’s open mouth and outstretched hand. I would never again go outside that wall.

‘My Padroncina , my young mistress, has good legs! I swear to God, I would never have imagined it! From a distance, if it weren’t for the colour of your hair, I would have taken you for a field hand or a hare.’

Riveted, I brought my hands to my head. In my eagerness to run from poverty I had lost my kerchief. I cursed my past and my cowardice. Now it was hopeless to try and get away. I clenched my fists and confronted him, staring right at him. For months I hadn’t looked at him. Maybe because from up there on his horse he seemed bigger, or because outdoors the majolica blue of his eyes held red flames, or because he was laughing, but the earlier terror gripped me even more sharply.

‘You must have run a long way, Padroncina ; you’re all flushed. If you will permit me, I can take you back on Orlando. Going downhill, all the saints are there to assist, but uphill is uphill. Whoa there, Orlando, easy now you rascal. Allow me to introduce my Padroncina . Orlando is the one who spotted you moving through the wheat, and made me turn off. So, if you like, I’ll take you. Don’t worry, not inside the wall. Carmine is a man of discretion. And if you don’t cross him, he sees nothing and hears nothing. I’ll leave you at the spot where you came out … I’ll follow along on foot.’

‘But I—’

‘You mean you don’t know how to ride bareback?’

‘I don’t know how to ride a horse.’

‘Well then, it’s unavoidable: even if you don’t like it, you’ll have to climb up in front of me … Here, put one foot there. Now leap up. Brava ! You’re nimble … I apologize for having to sit behind you.’

That voice filled me with profound terror. When I felt him bent over behind me holding the reins, it was as if I were completely surrounded by chains. He had trapped me; that’s why he was smiling.

‘Why are you trembling like that, Padroncina ? Maybe you’re afraid of the horse? It happens to everyone the first time. But you must get used to it, because in the future, once you’re a princess, you will have to oversee your lands not only on paper, but also in person.’