Simon Rich - Spoiled Brats - Stories

September 30, 3014

So the quiz went okay, but I think I screwed up the last part because I was having trouble concentrating. Narvia made us turn off our phones for the quiz, so the whole time all I could think about was Derek and whether or not he was trying to get through to me. Also, I was really, really hungry. That’s the one complaint I have about doing a semester abroad: I’m interested in other cultures, and that’s why I came to Saturn, to experience new things, but I’m sorry, the food here is ass. The Narvians don’t eat meat, because they believe everything has “a common soul,” and I respect that or whatever. But the fruits and vegetables here are totally weird. All they have in the cafeteria are these purple star-shaped thingies and these giant petals from different flowers. There’s one vending machine in the hallway that has Nutri-Grain bars and that’s what I’ve been living on this whole time. Also, there’s no beer, only XanXan, which is made out of flowers (like everything here). I’ve tried it, and it’s actually not horrible, but it makes you really hungover. I usually drink only on Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays, and today’s Tuesday, but the quiz was so stressful and things with Derek are so weird that I think I’m going to make an exception.

October 1, 3014

Last night was the worst. I was doing XanXan shots alone in my room and watching American Idol MXIII on Hulu when I realized I’d forgotten to eat dinner. The thing is, though, you’re not supposed to leave your pod at night, because that’s when the Gorgons do their air strikes. I thought about waiting until morning to eat, but my stomach was, like, literally rumbling. And so eventually I was, like, forget it, I’m getting a Nutri-Grain bar. So I put on my suit and floated down the hall, but when I got to the vending machine, they were out of blueberry, which is the only kind I like, and all they had was strawberry, which tastes like straight ass. And this was just, like, the last straw. So I called Derek and he picked up, but he was acting really weird. And I heard voices in the background. And I was, like, “Are you at a party?” And he was, like, “No, I’m just hanging out with some people.” And I heard some girls laughing, and I was, like, “Are there girls there?” And he was, like, “There are a lot of people here.” And I was, like, “I thought you said it wasn’t a party.” And he was, like, “It’s not a party.”

So Narvia came by and was, like, “You must stay within your pod. The Gorgons are attacking.”

And I was, like, “Listen, I know this isn’t your fault, and I don’t want to be rude, but in the brochure it said there’d be nightlife and there isn’t any nightlife, like, at all.” And she apologized and said that the war had escalated, and that the Gorgons had started enslaving and torturing the Narvians, and because of her antennae or whatever, she could physically feel it when her fellow Narvians were being tortured, because that’s how her species has evolved. And I was, like, whoa, too much information, but of course I didn’t say that, because I didn’t want to be disrespectful of her culture. So anyway she made me go back inside my pod, but by that point Derek wasn’t picking up his phone.

I would never admit this to anyone, but sometimes I wonder if Derek and I are even compatible. I mean, I love him with all my heart, and I know he loves me, even though he’s never, like, said the words or whatever. But the thing is, we have pretty different interests. For example, he’s really into full-immersion virtual-reality first-person-shooter games and I’m really into, like, relationships. That’s the whole reason why I’m majoring in communications — because I want to work for a nonprofit when I graduate and try to save the world. I know a lot of people would say that’s a crazy pipe dream and I should just give up, but I’m, like, you only live once and you have to seize the day. There’s this quote I saw once on my friend Karen’s yearbook page and I liked it so much that I put it on my yearbook page, even though I knew everyone would be, like, “You copied that from Karen,” but I was, like, who cares, I like the quote. It goes: “Shoot for the moon, because even if you miss you’ll end up among the stars.” When I first saw that, I was, like, oh my God, I’m going to freaking cry, because I freaking love that. I try to talk about this kind of stuff with Derek, but it never works, because he doesn’t like to have deep conversations. All he wants to do is play his video games and break his kill records, which are, like, really high, but so what?

I’m trying to decide now whether to text him good night. I kind of want to, because I miss him like crazy, but also part of me is, like, he doesn’t deserve it, because I’ve sent him good-night texts for nine straight days and he hasn’t written me back once. I don’t want to play games, though, because I don’t believe in them, so I’ll probably just text him what I always text him, which is “Good night, XO, I love you.”

October 10, 3014

Derek broke up with me. That’s why I haven’t been recording new entries, because it happened eight days ago, and since then I’ve just been crying.

I was taking a quiz when he called me up out of the blue. You’re not supposed to use your phone in class, but Narvia was distracted, because there was some big Gorgon battle going on, and her eyes were rolled back in her head, so I was able to sneak out and take the call.

So the first thing Derek says is, “I want to talk to you about something,” and my heart immediately starts pounding, because he never wants to talk about anything. So I’m, like, “What’s up?” You know, trying to sound casual. And he’s, like, “I think we should do an open relationship.” And so I’m, like, “Where is this coming from?” And he’s, like, “I don’t think long distance is working.” And so by this point I’m starting to get mad, because it’s not my fault long distance isn’t working, it’s his for not making an effort. So I blurt out, “If you’re going to be weird like this, what’s the point of even dating, why not just break up?” and he says “Fine” and hangs up. And I’m, like, Did what I think just happened actually just happen? So I call him and text him and leave a voice mail and a hologram and I even send him a telepathic message, even though they’re expensive and my plan doesn’t cover them if I’m roaming, but Derek never responds. And finally I realize, Oh my God, it’s over. Derek Kleinbaum and I are no longer a couple.

So for the next eight days, I don’t leave my pod, not even to go to class, and eventually Narvia knocks on my door and I’m, like, great, just what I need right now. So I let her in and I expect her to lecture me about schoolwork or whatever, but instead she says, “Please pack your bags. The rocket leaves in one hour.” And I’m, like, “What?” And she’s, like, “Have you been listening to the bulletins?” And I’m, like, “No, Derek broke up with me.” And so she explains that the Gorgons won the war by rounding up all the Narvians and destroying them with a heat blast. And I’m confused, because she’s a Narvian but she’s still alive, and she explains that she survived because the lasers couldn’t permeate the school, but all of her friends and family died. And I’m, like, “Oh my God,” because that’s freaking horrible. And I start to feel really bad, because all this time I thought we had nothing in common, but now that she’s lost her tribe and I’ve lost Derek, and both of our worlds have come crashing down, I realize we’re, like, exactly the same person.

So I’m, like, “I think it’s time for some XanXan,” and she waves her antennae like she doesn’t want any, but I just ignore her and pour out two huge shots. And we start downing shots, like, one after the other, and I’m, like, “I know what will get our minds off things. Let’s play ‘Never Have I Ever’!” She doesn’t know how to play, so I explain the rules and say, “You go first.” And she’s, like, “Never have I ever seen so great a genocide as the one the Gorgons inflicted on my people.” And I want to be, like, No, you’re supposed to say fun stuff, but I don’t want to make her feel bad, so I just nod and take a sip.