Simon Rich - Spoiled Brats - Stories

When I told him the plan, he was so enthused he punched his fist through a wall.

“Aaaaaarrrrrgggh!” he screamed with obvious elation. “Aarrrrrrrgh!”

Apex Consulting introduced me to Jean Petis, an award-winning painter based in the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn. After I showed him Ben’s portfolio and committed to buy a series of twenty-by-thirty-foot paintings, he agreed to take him on for a three-month period.

Ben’s internship was not without incident. He gored some paintings, which Alan and I were forced to replace, and he did not get along with Jean Petis. After just four days, Ben quit his internship and disappeared into the Connecticut forest, where he lived as a beast for several weeks, drinking wild-deer blood to survive. I had to admit, part of me was disappointed. I’d trusted Bard to prepare my child for a career in the arts, and they’d completely “dropped the ball.” I wondered if we had made a mistake by not seriously considering Oberlin.

After Ben was captured, we got him a prescription for Kilmax, which is a slightly stronger medicine than Adderall. Then, on a rainy February morning, I sat down with him to talk about his future. As usual, it was difficult for us to connect.

“Do you think you’d like to try another internship?”

“Arrgh.”

“Would you like us to rent you your own artist’s studio in Williamsburg?”

“Arrgh.”

The Kilmax, I noticed, had produced several troubling side effects. Ben’s eyes — usually so bright and searing — had dimmed to a pale ocher. His horns were pointed downward and his fur was falling out in clumps. I was telling him about another option — the birthright trip to Israel — when he suddenly held up his claw, cutting me off midsentence.

“No… more.”

I screamed for Alan, and he came running.

“Ben spoke!” I cried. We leaned in toward our son, keeping as still as possible. Ben gasped a few times, obviously struggling. Eventually, though, he managed to continue.

“No more… arrrrrgh! Pleeeeeaseeeearrrrrgh! Me… not… sick. Me… arrrrrrrgh! Monster. Let… be… monster. Let be monster.”

My eyes filled with tears. I’d always assumed that Ben would never talk — and now here he was, carrying on a full conversation! If Ben could master language, there was no limit to what he could achieve. I whipped out my iPhone and typed in Han’s number from memory.

It was time to start thinking about law school.

September 23, 3014

Okay, so this is, like, my diary or whatever. I wasn’t going to keep one, because it’s sort of annoying to remember to do entries, but then I started thinking, When Derek and I are old, we’re going to look back at this time in our lives and be, like, “Wow,” so I decided I’m going to speak into my transcriber every night before I go to sleep, unless I’m, like, you know, really wasted.

I guess I should start with the rocket launch. Derek came with me to the spaceport to say goodbye, which was really sweet of him, because he was halfway through a video game. And I was, like, “Long distance is going to be so hard, but I know we can make it work, because we’re fully invested and we love each other,” and he was, like, “Yeah.”

The flight was awful. I had to put my phone away during liftoff, even though I was right in the middle of texting Derek. Eventually, the pilot said phones were okay, but by then we were in outer space, so when I took out my phone it kept floating around the cabin, which was, like, annoying. Eventually, I was able to finish texting Derek, but he didn’t text back, not even after I texted him again and also left him a voice mail and some holograms. And I started to freak out, because my semester abroad had just started and things were already weird between me and Derek.

So then the pilot was, like, “If you go to the observation deck, you can see a view of Earth,” and I really wanted to go, because seeing Earth from space is supposed to be this, like, transformative experience or whatever. But there’s no cell reception on the observation deck, and so I couldn’t go, because I was still waiting for Derek to text me back. He never did.

September 27, 3014

Okay, so, things with Derek have been really weird, but before I get into it, I guess I should talk about the program or whatever. I’m doing my semester abroad on Saturn, which I know is, like, pretty random. I was going to do Mars, but everyone was doing Mars, and I didn’t want people to think, like, Oh, she’s only doing Mars because everyone’s doing Mars. So on the form I checked Saturn. Anyway, classes so far are pretty easy. It’s a lot of Saturn history, which is super boring, but there’s only two hours of lectures a day, and also the days here are two weeks long, so when you think about it, that’s really not so much class time. On the weekends there are optional tours you can do to see what life is like among the aliens (sorry, I mean natives). I really want to do the tours, because I’m interested in other cultures and, like, that’s one of the main reasons I’m doing a semester abroad, is to get perspective. But I haven’t had time because Derek has been so weird. Which brings me back to things with him.

Okay, so, yesterday he finally sent me a hologram, but it was, like, only five seconds long and he did it at the dining hall, so there were, like, bits of people’s arms and trays in it. And I was, like, if you can’t take the time to go inside an orb and send me a private hologram, how is this ever going to work? But I didn’t actually say that to him because I didn’t want him to think I was being clingy or whatever. Anyway, I’ve decided I’m not even going to think about Derek for a while, because this is my semester abroad and it’s supposed to be about me.

September 29, 3014

Tomorrow we have our first quiz. It’s on the culture of the Narvians, who are our host tribe. I’m sort of nervous, because at Williams I get time and a half, and I’m worried that the teachers here won’t know that I get that. Also, the reading is really confusing. The Narvians don’t have any concept of “me” or “you” (they see their tribe as a “single living being”). It’s, like, really hard to keep track of all the names.

Anyway, yesterday morning I sent Derek a text, to be, like, “I’m freaking out about the quiz,” and I figured he would just ignore it, as usual. But he wrote back right away, saying, “You’ll do fine,” and I was, like, oh my God, that’s so Derek. Just when I think he’s a total jerk, he’ll do something that’s freaking amazing and I’ll remember how much we love each other. In a way I think that this long-distance thing is a good test for us, because if we can get through it, it means we were really meant to be together.

Anyway, I was so relieved that things with Derek were finally good again that I signed up for one of the optional culture trips. We went to Titan, which is, like, the biggest moon. It’s sort of cool, because it has all these underground rivers. But when I tried to text a picture to Derek, there was no reception. Like, none. So I complained to Narvia, who’s, like, the alien lady who runs the program. And I was, like, “I don’t want to be rude, but in the brochure it said there would be reception and I’m, like, trying to make long distance work with my boyfriend, Derek, and there’s no reception.” She tried to fix my phone by zapping it with her eyes, and it helped a little, but not really. And at this point I was sort of freaking out, because even though Derek can be a total jerk, I love him unconditionally, and I, like, for real want to have babies with him someday, and that’s, like, actually something I think about, and I don’t want it all to end just because of my stupid phone. So I was, like, “Narvia, what’s going on with the reception?” And she explained that a war had started that morning between the Narvians (her tribe) and the Gorgons (who live on some other moon). It’s complicated, but basically, when they have their battles or whatever, it screws up reception. So I was, like, “I know it’s not your fault or whatever, but I just want you to be aware that there isn’t reception.”