Seré Halverson - The Underside of Joy

David called me on my cell. ‘Where are you?’

‘Somewhere between a prickly pear cactus and a Joshua tree. With way too much time before the next cactus. So keep me awake. Tell me about Max.’

I could hear pans banging in the sink. ‘I’d forgotten that whole thing until today. Joe loved that dog. Poor Joe… He and Max were walking on Jasper Williams’ property. Jasper was the town asshole extraordinaire.’

‘Do I know this guy?’

‘Oh, he died years ago. Everyone avoided him. He was some retired military dude. But Joe was maybe eleven, had just got his first camera, and Jasper had the best view of the river. He yelled at Joe for trespassing. Everyone trespassed in Elbow. It was synonymous with being neighbourly. Apparently, Williams had lost some chickens and he blamed Max, which was ridiculous because Max wouldn’t hurt a flea. He yelled, “I told you all to stay away, you goddamn trespassing Wop. Should have locked you Kraut-lovin’ Japs and Wops up forever!” and then he shot Max dead. What a fucking idiot. Joe wanted to call the police, but Grandpa Sergio and Dad said no.’ David let out a long whistle and fell silent.

‘David?’

‘Oh my God. Now I get it. They said he was trespassing and they didn’t want trouble and they didn’t want to hurt the family name.’

‘The only family name it would have hurt was Jasper whatever-his-face’s.’

‘Absolutely. Joe cried for a week solid I remember, even at Little League practice. At dinner one night my dad told him to quit being a sissy. Joe got up from the table and left, and I waited for all hell to break loose. But my dad sat chewing his food, looking across the table at Grandpa Sergio. My mother sat looking at her hands. And no one ever said another word about it.’

I could see them sitting around a table piled with comfort food, a vacant chair taking up the whole room, as all the unspoken secrets and anger and fears and humiliation passed back and forth between them. Mangia, mangia! Have another helping of silence.

As we approached Las Vegas, Callie woke and barked at all the lights upon lights upon lights — even though they were still far ahead. Soon they were like firework displays exploding too close; their heat on my face, flashing, running, strobing.

But those lights lost their bravado the next morning, when I got a clearer look at the Strip and realized they were mere compensation, meant to blind me to the fact there wasn’t an ounce of natural beauty, or natural anything, anywhere. The only snippet of green lay in a row of planted palm trees in the centre of the strip. At a stoplight, I caught an older man and a much younger woman snorting cocaine in a black convertible. She took the rolled bill and mirror from him and went at it while he held back her long black hair. Is this what Annie and Zach saw on their way to school? How could Paige have moved herself, let alone the kids, from Elbow — with its lush, tree-crammed hills running all the way into the river, to this ? I could not even begin to picture Annie and Zach being there, let alone calling it home.

But, I reminded myself, Elbow wasn’t Utopia for everyone. The rainy winters had gotten to Paige and deepened her depression, she’d written. She wanted to be warm and dry. But the biggest reason, I knew from reading the other letters, was that she had nowhere else to go but to Aunt Bernie, who lived in a trailer on the outskirts, and who loved her. Loved all of her, Paige had written. I thought of this as I pulled onto the freeway, not really sure where to go or if I should call her. A billboard stood out against the legions of other billboards. Was it? It couldn’t be. I leaned forward over the steering wheel and peered. Yes, by God, it was. There stood Paige, ten feet tall, in a power suit, with her arms folded, her tight white smile now the size of a turkey platter. when it’s time to stage, call paige. The same goofy slogan that was on her business card, the same phone number I’d been calling all week. Well, Aunt Bernie certainly had a lot to love. ‘My, my, my,’ I said to Callie, who rested her paws on the console between us and twitched her forehead nine different ways at me. It seemed that whenever I’d figured out something about Paige, or began to feel compassion for her, she’d show yet another side. Who was this woman who’d plastered herself on a billboard? Maybe pigeons would perch on it, leaving streaks of Columba livia shit all over her.

Still, how much more obvious of a sign did I need? I punched the number into my cell phone. As always, Paige didn’t answer, so I left a message telling her I was in town. This time she called me right back.

‘You’re in Las Vegas?’ she asked.

‘Yep.’ I was trying for casual, cheerful, even. ‘Nice billboard.’

‘Oh, that — I got a good deal on it. I actually get quite a lot of calls from it.’

I stifled an I bet.

‘Why are you here?’

‘Well, not to gamble. I want to see the kids.’

‘Ella. You’re not thinking about Annie and Zach.They’re trying to make a huge adjustment. The judge knew what he was doing when he put the first visitation a month away. You don’t live here. Why mislead them now?’

‘Must I remind you that the judge was about to make a quite dif —’

‘No. You don’t need to remind me. Look, Ella. I’m only asking for time. And I think you need time too. To rebuild your life without Annie and Zach.’

‘But don’t you see? You’re cutting me out? Doing the same thing you say Joe did to you?’

‘My number one concern is for the kids.’

‘Then why did you take them away from me? We were happy…’ My voice broke, but I held it together. The last thing I needed to do was blubber at Paige. Besides, I was driving and a semi was on my tail.

‘Go home, Ella. Wait a month. Then call us.’

‘Who says I’m not home?’ I blurted out.

She sighed. ‘You mean you were lying about being here?’

‘No, I mean maybe I moved here.’ Did I really just say that? Silence.

‘Paige? Can you hear me?’

‘Yes.’

‘So now will you let me see the kids?’

‘You can see them in twenty-two days, as ordered by the court. Good-bye, Ella.’ She hung up before I could respond.

That went well. I pulled off the freeway and found an ampm store and picked up the Las Vegas Sun. I grabbed a pint of ice cream too, knowing I didn’t have a freezer back at the No-Tell Motel, knowing I’d have to eat it all in one sitting. My version of living life on the edge in Las Vegas.

Along one of the aisles, a yellow notebook caught my eye. It was bigger than the one I’d carried around before my dad died, but it looked similar, spiralled across the top like mine had been. Flipping through its blank pages, I thought about that little red-haired girl with her binoculars who’d been so curious, so full of whys? And whos? And whats? She’d finally woken up a few weeks ago after decades of sleep, had already been busy shaking things up, wreaking havoc, yes, but hell, I loved the kid. She was a good kid. She’d already taught me a thing or two. And she needed a notebook.

Even though I despised Las Vegas, I’d told Paige I’d moved. I’d left out the word temporarily. I couldn’t stand the thought of Annie and Zach being raised in a town known for gambling, drugs, and prostitution, but more than that, I couldn’t stand the thought of them being raised there without me. Nor could I stand the thought of returning to Elbow without them. And judging from our first phone conversation, things with Paige were not going to happen quickly. I had three options, and I hated all of them. A place was just a place. I could deal with missing Elbow. Temporarily. I opened the paper up to the classifieds and started looking for an apartment. I wrote addresses down in my notebook. I had time to kill, and I wanted to make Annie and Zach feel at home when they visited me, not sitting perched on a bed in a tacky motel room.