Seré Halverson - The Underside of Joy

The next morning while I washed dishes, I felt a tug on the leg of my jeans and looked down to see Zach staring up at me, sucking his thumb and holding Bubby, rubbing the turquoise satin of the bunny ears on his cheek.

‘What, honey?’

He started swatting Bubby against the kitchen drawers. I turned off the water and knelt down. ‘What is it, Zachosaurus?’

He sighed. ‘When is Daddy coming home?’

‘Oh, honey.’ I hugged him. ‘Daddy died. Remember? Daddy’s not coming home.’

‘I know. But when is he coming back ?’

‘He’s not coming back.’

‘When I’m a big boy?’

I shook my head. ‘No. Not when you’re a big boy.’

‘That mama lady came back.’

‘She did. But she didn’t die. She just lives somewhere else and came to visit. Do you understand the difference?’

He nodded and sighed again. ‘Can I have a oatmeal bar? A whole one?’

‘Sure. But do you understand about Daddy?’

He started flipping Bubby up and down and doing a silly dance, saying ‘Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh! And some milk. Pleeeeeeeze.’

The now familiar uh-huh song, which had started shortly after Joe died, seemed to be Zach’s way of saying that he was done talking for the time being. He was three and having trouble understanding. Hell, I was thirty-five and still didn’t get it some days. But I wished I knew how to help him.

Later that afternoon, Paige called and said something that shocked me, her words like big flashing signs emerging from the fog, finally telling me where we were headed if we continued down that road. She would often call to speak to Annie. I’d wanted to question Paige, but I could never get out the words; I always felt a physical barrier, as if something lay lodged in my throat, blocking any questions that carried the possibility of ruining our world. But that day when she called, I took a deep breath and squeezed out some words, asking her what her intentions were. I sounded like some grumpy father questioning a teenage boy about dating his daughter, which hadn’t been my intention, but my own anxiety clamouring out.

‘My intentions?’ Paige asked. ‘I beg your pardon? I’m Annie’s mother. And I would like to speak to my daughter.’

I took another deep breath. ‘Yes, I understand that you gave birth to Annie. But you’ve been gone a long time, and Paige, I’m just worried about Annie getting hurt.’

‘Really? If you’re so worried about hurting Annie, perhaps you should be more careful when you drive so you don’t almost cause a car accident and then scream obscenities at my children.’

I opened my mouth. No words would come out, but my heart beat so loudly, she could probably hear it echoing up through my throat.

She continued. ‘Please put Annie on the line. Or do I need a court order?’

A court order? Did she say a court order? ‘Paige, I just — Okay, I’ll get her.’

What did she want? What did she want ? Part of me understood that a relationship with Paige could be good for Annie. But part of me was scared of what that might mean for Annie and me and Zach. And what if, once they’d got used to her, Paige vanished into thin air again?

Still, she was Annie and Zach’s mother — their birth mother, at least — and if knowing her did make them feel more secure in this world, and if she was serious about not disappearing again, that was far more important than any jealous, territorial feelings of mine. That’s what I kept telling myself, anyway, as it became difficult to take a deep enough breath, which had been happening more and more often. Especially around two in the morning. Breathe in.

Paige. The kids. The bills. The store. Tomorrow. The next day.

Breathe out.

‘Mommy?’ Annie said behind me. ‘Why are you blowing so much noise and letting out such big long breaths?’

I turned to her. She was six, but she’d matured so much in the last few months. She’d had to. I didn’t want to ask her, but the words came out before I could clamp my mouth shut.

‘Banannie? Did you tell your mama about our trip to Great America?’

She nodded, big nods so her ponytail flipped up and down.

‘What did you say?’

‘I told her about the rides and how fun it was except for the Ferris wheel and how we got stuck up there forever.’ She laughed, but it was a nervous laugh. ‘Remember that?’

‘I do.’

She stuck her hands in her pockets.

‘What, Mommy?’

‘Did you mention, possibly, that we almost got in an accident?’

The big head nod again. ‘That was scary! Remember how the tires screeched?’

‘I do.’

‘Why do you sound so funny?’

‘Annie? Did you mention that I yelled at you and Zach?’

Annie started whimpering and nodding, barely now, her chin tucked into her chest.

‘Honey, it’s okay. You’re not in trouble. I just need to know.’

‘She was asking me and asking me! She kept asking me questions and you and Daddy told me always tell the truth, no matter what. So I did. You did say the G-D word Grandpa always says before Grandma gets mad at him. Remember?’

I couldn’t help but smile. Even though fear pulsed through me. ‘I do, though I’m trying like crazy to forget. I’d kinda hoped you’d forgotten.’

‘Nope. I remember it perfectly. You know’ — she tapped her forehead — ‘elephant memory. You said, “You kids shut up! I can’t goddamn drive!” And you hit the steering wheel really hard. And then you held your hand and said, “Ow.” Did I do something wrong, Mommy?’

‘No, sweetie. You didn’t do anything wrong, I did.’ And Paige, I thought but didn’t say. Grilling Annie to get information. Shame on her. But then, I’d done the same thing by asking Annie about it. Shame on me.

Despite the scare from Paige, I pressed on. We called a family meeting. David had already filled Joe Sr and Marcella in on both my idea for the store and the financial situation. Joe Sr cut to the chase: ‘Ella, you listen to me. This family has been through hard times before. Shortly after my papa opened Capozzi’s, he had to go away, due to circumstances beyond his control. But this town, it pulled together and helped my mama, and the store, and our family survived. This store is my papa’s, our family’s legacy. And it will go to Annie and Zach someday.’ He grabbed both my shoulders and looked me straight in the eye. ‘Mother and I will do whatever we can to help save the store. We’ve got some money socked away for a rainy day. We’ll help you remodel it. It’s for our grandchildren. What grandparent can say no to that?’

If only Joe had known that’s how his dad would react.

One thing Joe and I had managed to get right was our wills. We’d written them up when we got married, and he willed the store to me, with the understanding that I would be taking care of Annie and Zach if anything should happen to him. Now I agreed to invest most of the insurance proceeds and to sell an interest in the store to Marcella, Joe Sr, and David. In return, they would kick in money, and we’d remodel and add a commercial kitchen. Things would be tight for a while, no one was going to be making big bucks, but we were all willing to think of it as an investment.

Besides, everyone agreed that we all needed a big project, that we would do it to honour Joe. David patted Marcella’s arm and said, ‘I’d be honoured to be the chef, but only with Ma’s help.’ Marcella beamed — the happiest I’d seen her since before we’d lost Joe.

I wanted Annie and Zach to be in on the plans, so a few days after we settled everything, I took them on a picnic.