Daniel Price - Slick

No, that was too easy an answer. I was pretty sure these feelings, though not altogether deep, were quite specific to Deb. I suppose I should also mention in my own defense that the sexiest woman I’d ever known (you know, the A-cup) was fourteen years older than me, not younger. Is this what happens to us as we inch toward middle age? Was I headed toward an obligatory crisis, where I’d suddenly get the urge to change my hair, grow a beard, buy a fancier car, or have meaningless carnal relations with a well-endowed collegian? This may not have been the best day to turn thirty-five.

Deb didn’t acknowledge me, even as I stood next to her, following her gaze across the water. From her vantage, stretching out to sea, it was all nature. No signs or logos. No wheelchair ramps or drinking fountains. I couldn’t help but wonder if this was intentional on her part or unconsciously symbolic.

I took a deep breath. “Deb—”

“Fuck you.”

Okay. New approach. I let a few seconds pass. “Look, I wanted everyone to come away from this happy. You guys got an all-expense paid trip to Hawaii. Fairmont got cheap advertising. The press got good filler. And millions of men and women will get a nice little story to distract them from their mundane lives. And if you want more honesty, yes, this will be a nice shot in the arm for my career. The bottom line is that everybody benefits from this.”

“Except the monk seal.”

I sighed. “Deb, the world isn’t that simple. Trust me. There are—”

“Don’t give me that paternalistic bullshit! You—”

“There are twelve sides to every story. And a million layers to every side. So tell me, how much truth do you want? How much are you prepared to deal with? Some of it, or all of it?”

“All of it! But I doubt you’re capable of—”

“You don’t know what I’m capable of. And you’d be surprised at some of the things I know. In my job you have to learn the facts in order to distort them. I’ll start with the easy one. You know what happened to the monk seals when the big construction barges showed up three years ago? They left. That’s it. They swam off to Kure Atoll, a bunch of uninhabited, Navy-owned islands a hundred miles to the northwest. They have just as much privacy and protection as they ever did. The U.S. government made sure of that before they leased Keoki. But that’s old news. That’s the happy layer. Do you want to go deeper?”

She kept her hot glare forward.

“The deeper truth is that the Hawaiian monk seal is going to be extinct within thirty years, and there’s not a damn thing we can do about it. Okay, no. If we got rid of the tuna nets that sometimes snag them, they’d probably die off in forty years. We might be able to buy an other five if we killed off all the tiger sharks in the area, but that creates its own issues. And it’s still futile. You know why? Because the monk seal’s number one enemy is the monk seal. Surprise! They may look cute, but they’re one of the most sexually malevolent species on the face of the planet.”

That earned me a quick, distrustful glower.

“During sex,” I explained, “the males bite. I’m not talking about love nibbles, I mean they chomp their honeys hard. Often fatally. This has led to a serious skew in the guy/girl ratio, worse than any technical college. But instead of being wooed, the few females left can look forward to a short life of perpetual gang bangs. Oh yes. These monks do that. It’s called mobbing. And when there aren’t enough women around for the old screw-and-chew, the men move on to the girls. Then the boys. Then each other. This isn’t Sammy the Seal you’re crying over. These are rapists with flippers. Their entire society is like a bad prison drama. And by 2030 their show is going to be canceled. Because of Fairmont? No. Because there are no more women. They’ve been on this crash course for fifteen million years. They haven’t learned. Now Darwin says it’s their time to go. But that’s not even the worst part. Do you want go deeper?”

“Shut up.”

“The truth is that all of the information I gave you is out there. It took me ten minutes to get it off the Internet. It would have taken you the same—”

“Shut up!”

“—time to find it. But you didn’t look. And I know it’s not because you’re dumb or lazy. Quite the opposite. You’re an extraordinary woman. You just didn’t want to know. You were offered a free trip to Hawaii to do something you believed in. How often does a chance like that come along? I’m sorry it got ruined for you, that’s all. That’s what too much truth can do. That’s why people like me exist.”

Deb pressed her fist against her lips. I wasn’t sure if she was going to cry or deck me. Either way, I figured the greatest gift I could give her now was my lifelong absence.

“You’re going to go far, Deb. You’re going to do wonderful things. But my well-meaning advice is to get over it, join your friends, and have one hell of a vacation. You deserve it, okay? Take it easy.”

She resumed her westward gaze. I took a short breath, nodded, and started on my merry way.

“Scott…”

I stopped and turned around. She tensely chewed on her words.

“I appreciate what you no doubt saw as an attempt to cheer me up. And I also appreciate the wisdom you shared. You’re right. There are twelve sides to every story. Here’s mine. You’re a bastard. You’re a bastard who took advantage of my good nature in order to get my clothes off, in order to make more money for your corporate overlords, in order to make more money for yourself. The fact that you think a free vacation could possibly make up for how disgusting I feel shows how little you understand women. Or anyone, for that matter. You may excuse yourself for being such a moral cripple because that’s the way you think the world works, but there’s another layer to that. Do you want to go deeper?”

“Deb—”

“The deeper truth is that you are going to live a long, destructive life. You’re going to keep doing terrible things. And when you’re in your deathbed at a hundred and three, you’re going to realize that it didn’t mean a damn thing. None of it. You know why? Because it’ll finally occur to you that nobody’s going to miss you. You could die today and nobody would miss you. In fact, most of us will be happy to forget you even existed. Why don’t we get that process started, okay? Get the fuck out of my sight. Get the fuck out of my life. And Scott? For the sake of the world, please don’t live to be a hundred and three.”

________________

Fifteen minutes later, I joined Miranda and the Metropia crew at the airstrip. David was staying behind with the students. I wasn’t. My work here was done. I’d had quite enough of the sisters.

“Where were you?” asked Miranda.

“Talking to Deb.”

“Oh, boy. Did she rip you a new one?”

“She wasn’t happy.”

“You think she’ll sue?”

“Nah.”

I figured Deb would be hard-pressed to ever mention it again, for whatever reasons. Shame. Embarrassment. Melodramatic self-pity. Take your pick. She wouldn’t even tell her fellow coeds what she had learned. She’d think she was being noble in hiding the truth from them, in not killing their fun. She wouldn’t see the utter hypocrisy. She’d just hate me for trying to do the same thing.

Whatever. I’ve learned not to take these things personally. It would be vain, ludicrous, and an all-around waste of time to treat her harsh opinion as some accurate reflection of who I was. Her final words to me — which she was no doubt proud of — had been shaped by a thousand of her own biases, neuroses, insecurities, generalities. She didn’t know me. Instead of facts, she just filled in the blanks with whatever she found lying around. All the salespeople who vexed her. All the men who tried to talk her out of her clothes. All the corporate bad guys she saw on TV. Snakes and snails and puppy-dog tails. There’s a mile of difference between truth and judgment, hon. Maybe she’d figure that out for her self someday. She was young. She had time to learn.