Peter Stamm - We're Flying

Angelika watched the two of them eating. Now it was Dominic’s turn to copy Benno. He had his head low over his plate and shoveled forkfuls of spaghetti into his mouth, all the while squinting at Benno. Angelika looked at her boyfriend, who seemed unaware of it. He’s like a kid himself, she thought. Maybe that was why he was so good with them. She had had a couple of occasions to witness it, when he had picked her up from nursery school. In some ways he struck her as almost being younger than Dominic, who seemed to be aware of everything that was going on, and thought it through and asked questions. Benno didn’t ask any questions. He came here, ate, slept with her, and went away the next day. She couldn’t imagine him as a father. But then most of the men who came to pick up their kids at day care weren’t fathers either. They talked to the kids as if they were kids themselves, and fooled around, and when you asked them something they shrugged their shoulders.

Do I get a beer? Benno asked, and then he asked Dominic, Hey man, do you want a beer? No-o-o, said Dominic emphatically, beer is for grownups.

After supper, Dominic wanted to fly some more, but Benno said the plane had mechanical trouble. He sat on the sofa and switched on the TV. Angelika cleared the table. She brought Dominic a few toys she kept in the apartment for her nephews and nieces. Then she sat down next to Benno, who was watching a cop show. Suddenly she felt very much alone.

Dominic played uncertainly with Legos, and kept looking up at them on the sofa. Benno had put his feet up on the coffee table, and had his arm around Angelika. He undid the top button of her blouse. Stop that, she said, but he carried on, and shoved his hand down her front. When she tried to get up, he held her down. I’m not going to let that runt spoil my fun, he said, and he took off her blouse. If he says anything, I’m out of a job, said Angelika. Benno kissed her on the mouth and talked at the same time, she didn’t know what he was saying. He must have seen things at his parents’, he said, and anyhow he had to learn sometime. Angelika tried to forget about Dominic, but she couldn’t. She remembered how he had cried on the stairs. He had looked at her as though it was her fault his parents weren’t coming. I don’t like him, she thought, actually I don’t like any of them. She lay on the sofa and embraced Benno. He laughed and thrust his hand between her legs. When he tried to undo her belt, she pushed him away. He allowed himself to fall to the floor, and lay there on his back, next to Dominic.

Do you want to fly? he asked the boy, who was staring at him in utter bewilderment. He grabbed him and lifted him onto his belly, where he began tickling him. Dominic squirmed, but he didn’t laugh. He assumed the serious expression he had had during his dance at the bus stop. Angelika sat up, straightened her bra, and pulled on her blouse. She felt ashamed of herself.

Do you know where babies come from? Benno asked. Dominic said he had come out of his mama’s belly. But do you know how you got in there? asked Benno. I was so small, said Dominic, I was as small as this, and he pinched his finger and thumb together.

Just before nine, Dominic’s mother called. Angelika jumped, as she always did when her cell phone rang. The woman’s voice sounded half annoyed, half embarrassed. She apologized. Her husband had a late meeting that he hadn’t told her about. Angelika could hear his voice in the background, protesting. At any rate, we each thought the other was doing it. They were at the day care, and were on their way here. Angelika gave them directions, with a lot of difficulty. Well, we’ll be there soon, said the mother. Dominic’s fine, said Angelika. Yes, of course, said the mother with a little laugh, I didn’t doubt it. I’ll see you in twenty minutes, half an hour, maybe.

She’s a lawyer, said Angelika.

Is she good-looking? asked Benno. Rich?

Angelika said she was sure Dominic’s parents weren’t short of money. His father was a relationship counselor.

What’s she look like? asked Benno.

Average, said Angelika.

Half an hour later the bell rang. Dominic had been sitting on the sofa in shoes and coat for the past ten minutes. Good-bye, little fellow, said Benno. Come and see us again, will you?

Dominic didn’t answer. Angelika took him by the hand.

When Dominic saw his mother through the glass door, he broke away and ran down the last couple of steps. The two of them faced each other, separated only by the glass. The mother had crouched down and was signaling to the boy. He pressed his hands and face against the cold glass, which misted over with his breath. Angelika unlocked the door. The mother stood up. Angelika saw she had a package in her hand. Is that for me? asked Dominic. That’s for dear Angelika, said the mother. As thanks for letting you come and visit her. She handed the present to Angelika, and repeated that she was terribly sorry it had happened, and she was thoroughly embarrassed. A misunderstanding. Angelika had thought of some reply, but then all she said was these things happened, and thank you for the present. I hope you’ll enjoy this, she said, and then to Dominic, Right, let’s hurry home and get to bed. Say bye-bye. Angelika watched them leave and walk over to a jeep that was parked diagonally to the other cars. She could just make out the silhouette of the father at the wheel. The mother bent down to Dominic and seemed to tell him something. Angelika waved, but they didn’t seem to notice. When the door closed behind her, she turned around once more. The car was gone. On the glass she saw the traces left by Dominic’s hands. She wiped them away with her sleeve.

Benno was in the shower, Angelika could hear the water. She sat down in the living room and opened the package. It was a bottle of perfume. She sniffed it and dabbed some behind her ears and between her breasts. Benno emerged from the shower. He was naked, with a towel slung around his hips. She saw the bulge of his erection. He sat down beside her and embraced her. She freed herself and said she would have a quick shower too. She locked the bathroom but didn’t undress. When Benno knocked on the door, she was still sitting on the toilet, with her face in her hands.

IT ALL BEGAN with the death of his mother. With their claim that his mother had died. He can hardly remember what came before. Just occasional images: exterior, day. A large garden, colors, fruit trees, a house with a steeply pitched roof. The image is distorted at the edges, as though seen through a wide-angle lens. In close-up the face of his mother. She is laughing and swinging him up in the air. She is holding him by the hands and swinging him around in a circle. His eye is the camera. The garden smudges in the accelerating movement, a green blur. Cut.

A long hallway, gray linoleum, white walls. Rainy light leaks in from outside, dim. He is sitting on a bench next to a woman he doesn’t know. They wait for a long time until a doctor emerges from one of the rooms, shakes his head, says something he doesn’t understand. The face of the doctor is gray. The woman stands up, takes the boy by the hand, and they leave down the hallway and down a wide flight of stone steps. They walk out of shot, which is held a moment longer. Cut.

A montage: dining rooms, dormitories, gym halls. He is standing there, in too short pants, in a gym outfit, clothes that others have worn before him. Always with other boys. The soundtrack is a babel of noise, an echoey confusion of scraps of words, yells, whistles, the singing of children. The loneliness of never-being-alone. The light goes out and goes on again immediately. The taste of toothpaste, porridge, white bread. Someone is banging around on an upright piano, the clatter of dishes and sounds of liquids being slopped out and scraping noises. He shuts his eyes, opens them again.