Yu Hua - Brothers

He'd then vow, I will get myself an extra-large Eternity bicycle, with the classic beauties Xi Shi sitting in front, Diao Chan behind me, Wang Zhaojun in my lap, and Yang Guifei perched on my back. With these four beauties I will ride for fucking forty-nine days, riding from the present into the past and back again. If I feel like it, I might even decide to ride into the future…

Once Lin Hong and Song Gang's affair was finally made public, the town's biggest romantic cliff-hanger was finally resolved, thereby breaking the hearts of all the remaining bachelors. Each of them went in search of other single women, and as a result, the amorous activity in Liu Town abruptly blossomed like spring bamboo after a shower, sweetening the streets and alleys of Liu and making it so the elders couldn't even take it all in. They counted on their fingers and said, "It looks like everyone has a woman … everyone except Baldy Li. Hasn't he landed anyone yet?"

The townspeople rarely saw Baldy Li out in the street, but when they did, he seemed to have lost a lot of weight, as if he had been gravely ill.

The night after his unsuccessful suicide, Song Gang had seized his happiness and walked out the door. Baldy Li cursed him furiously for an hour, then snored furiously for eight hours. When he woke up the next morning and saw that Song Gang's bed was still empty, he searched the room inside and out but couldn't find any evidence that Song Gang had returned. He tsk-tsked Song Gang, not realizing that his brother had spent the entire night standing guard in front of Lin Hong's house. Believing that Song Gang was merely trying to avoid him, he snorted, "You may be able to avoid me for a night, but you can't avoid me your entire life."

The next day Song Gang still had not returned home. That night Baldy Li sat at the table dreaming up one plot after another to enact against his brother but had to discard them all because they didn't strike him as sufficiently diabolical. He finally came up with a tear-jerking scheme that would consist of grabbing Song Gang's arm and then, in a rain of tears and snot, recalling their childhood together. As youngsters he and Song Gang had been as thick as thieves, given that they were both orphans and needed to rely on each other for survival. Baldy Li was confident that if he did this, Song Gang would surely bow his head in humiliation and return Lin Hong to him. Baldy Li was very proud of this plot and was convinced that it was truly diabolical. He waited up half the night, until he couldn't stop yawning and his eyelids were battling each other, but when Song Gang still hadn't returned, Baldy Li finally had no choice but to go to bed, cursing nonstop. Before retiring, he looked around and thought to himself that what they said was true: You can take the monk out of the temple, but you can't take the temple out of the monk —so sooner or later this monk would have to come home again, whereupon Baldy Li could try out his tear-jerking scheme.

When Baldy Li got home from work two days later and saw the money and the key on the table, he understood that something momentous had occurred and that the monk would not be returning to the temple after all. He was so furious that he stalked in circles around the house, trying out every single curse word in the Chinese language. He didn't stop there but went on to use all the Japanese curse words he had learned from movies about the War of Resistance. He wanted to use some American curse words too, but since he didn't know a single one, he had no choice but to sit mutely on the side of his bed and stare into space. He felt that he had underestimated his brother. Song Gang had studied that tattered half copy of Sunzi's Art of War, and before Baldy Li had a chance to try out his scheme, Song Gang had already employed what Sunzi himself had called the last and best of the thirty-six stratagems: leaving.

That night, Baldy Li suffered from insomnia for the first time in his life, and for the next month he found himself constantly tired and without appetite. He lost weight and the urge to speak, though out in the streets he still appeared majestic and commanding. He ran into Song Gang several times, but Song Gang always scurried out of the way before he approached. He also encountered Lin Hong, but she was always with Song Gang, affectionately grasping his hand. Soon after, Song Gang started riding around on his Eternity bicycle with Lin Hong sitting in back. By this point, Baldy Li no longer felt sad but, rather, that he had thoroughly lost face.

The people of Liu Town were blessed with good memories, and they all remembered exactly what Baldy Li had proclaimed when he beat up those two amorous impostors. Baldy Li had boasted that he would beat anyone who dared claim to be Lin Hong's boyfriend so badly that he would never make it back for another incarnation. Therefore, some young rascals, whenever they encountered Baldy Li in the street, would taunt him, "Wasn't Lin Hong your girlfriend? How is it that, in the blink of an eye, she suddenly became Song Gang's?"

Upon hearing this, Baldy Li would respond furiously, "If he weren't Song Gang, I would have slaughtered him long ago! I would have carried his head on a pole and gone off to roam the rivers and seas! But who is Song Gang? Song Gang is my brother, to whom I have sworn my life. So I have no choice but to grit my teeth and swallow my anger."

The welt on Song Gang's neck from his suicide attempt took more than a month to heal, and whenever Lin Hong thought about it, her eyes would immediately well up with tears. She told her parents the true circumstances behind his suicide attempt and couldn't resist telling some of her closest friends at the factory as well. Lin Hongs parents and those friends at the factory then told other friends, and soon tens, hundreds, and even thousands of people knew about it as the story of Song Gangs suicide attempt spread around town like a virus. The women of Liu were extremely envious of Lin Hong, and all of them went to ask their current or future husbands, "Would you commit suicide for me?"

The men of Liu were utterly miserable. Not only did they have to feign sincerity and swear, "I would, I would, I would," but they also had to put on a good show of being heroes who would face death without fear. The women of Liu repeatedly asked the same question, and their men would give the same answer a hundred times over, or at the very least five or six. A few of the men came under such pressure that they had no alternative but to tie a noose around their own necks or place a knife to their wrists, solemnly vowing, "Just give the command, and I will kill myself."

Meanwhile Poet Zhao was still unencumbered by love. With his former girlfriend off cavorting with another, and his future girlfriends still with their current boyfriends, he found himself in a loveless period of his life. He therefore gloated over the misfortune of the other townsmen, secretly convinced that it was their own fault. He bragged that he would never find a girlfriend who would make him want to commit suicide but, rather, would find one willing to commit suicide for him. He announced proudly, "Consider famous beauties such as Lady Meng Jiang and Zhu Yingtai. In all the great love stories, its always the woman who dies for her lover."

Poet Zhao therefore felt that he and Baldy Li could definitely commiserate, insofar as they had both been kicked onto their asses by Lin Hong. From the time of Writer Liu's beating, Poet Zhao had avoided Baldy Li, though the past few times they had run into each other on the street, Baldy Li had nodded to him. Poet Zhao felt that he was safe now, and he started trying to get closer to Baldy Li. Seeing him approaching on the street, poet Zhao would greet Baldy Li loudly: "Director Li, how have you been recently?"

"Awful," Baldy Li replied irritably.