Yu Hua: Brothers

Baldy Li stopped slurping, wiped away his sweat, looked about, and then started to speak in a low voice. He described not Lin Hong's bottom but, instead, a plump one. When Baldy Li was done, Blacksmith Tong looked at him suspiciously. "How come that sounds a lot like my wife's?"

"It is your wife's butt," Baldy Li replied earnestly.

Blacksmith Tong flew into a rage and raised his hand, bellowing, "I'm going to whup you good, you little bastard!"

Baldy Li quickly leapt up to avoid Tongs huge palm. At that moment, everyone in the restaurant turned around to look at them, so Blacksmith Tong had to convert his whupping gesture into a wave. He pointed to Baldy Li and said, "Sit back down."

Baldy Li smiled and nodded at the other patrons in the restaurant, calculating that as long as they were paying attention, Blacksmith Tong wouldn't dare beat him. He sat down again across from Blacksmith Tong, who glowered at him. "So come on, hurry up with Lin Hongs…"

Baldy Li looked around and, seeing that everyone was still watching him, smiled in relief and continued in a low voice. "Every butt has its price. A bowl of plain noodles will buy you your own wife's butt, but Lin Hong's calls for a bowl of house-special noodles."

Blacksmith Tong was so furious that for a long time he couldn't even muster up a response. Seeing Baldy Li nonchalantly returning to his noodles, Blacksmith Tong snatched the bowl out of his hands and spat out, "I'll eat them myself."

Baldly Li turned around to look at the other patrons in the restaurant, who seemed perplexed by this transfer of noodles. Baldy Li smiled and explained, "It's like this: First he treated me to half a bowl of noodles, then I treated him back with the remaining half a bowl."

From that point on, Baldy Li's asking price was public knowledge: one bowl of house-special noodles for the secrets of Lin Hong's butt. In the six months while Baldy Li's ears were still ringing, he was treated to fifty-six bowls of house-special noodles, systematically eating his way into his fifteenth year and gradually transforming his skinny, sallow body into a ruddy, plump one. He thought that being able to eat so many house-special noodles was truly a case of bad luck begetting good. At that point, Baldy Li had no idea of the vast fortune he would subsequently amass and no inkling that he would ultimately grow bored with even the most extravagant feasts. Back then Baldy Li was still a poor lad and felt that having a bowl of house-special noodles was like taking a stroll in paradise — a stroll that he took fifty-six times during that half year.

Baldy Li's designs on a bowl of house-special noodles didn't always go smoothly, and sometimes he would attain it only after a certain amount of struggle. Countless people hoping to learn the secrets of Lin Hong's butt would try to get by with just plain noodles, but Baldy Li wouldn't fall for it and would patiently bargain until he got what he was after. As a result, each of these clients looked at him with new respect, remarking that this fifteen-year-old little bastard was sharper and drove a harder bargain than a fifty-year-old seasoned salesman.

Across from Blacksmith Tongs shop was a scissor sharpener's shop belonging to Old Scissors Guan and his son, Little Scissors Guan, who began learning his craft from his father when he was fourteen. Now in his twenties, Little Scissors Guan had neither wife nor girlfriend but had long admired Lin Hong; therefore he too wanted to learn the secrets of her bottom. He waved at Baldy Li and suggested that his good times were almost over, since Lin Hong would soon have a boyfriend, after which no one would have to treat Baldy Li to any more noodles. Therefore Baldy Li should take what he could and make do with the bowl of plain noodles, because soon he would be lucky to get even a bowl of broth.

Baldy Li was perplexed and asked, "Why is that?"

Little Scissors Guan explained: "Just think about it. Once Lin Hong has a boyfriend, certainly hell know more about her posterior than you. So everyone will go to him to find out about it, and then who'll pay any more attention to you?"

At first Baldy Li thought this made a lot of sense, but upon further reflection he noticed the fault in Little Scissors Guan s logic and asked with a chuckle, "But would Lin Hongs boyfriend tell you these details?"

Baldy Li then raised his head, closed his eyes, and said dreamily, "If one day I were to become her boyfriend, I certainly wouldn't tell anyone anything…"

He then turned to Little Scissors Guan and said shamelessly, "So you should seize the moment and treat me to a bowl of house-special noodles before I do become Lin Hong's boyfriend."

Though Baldy Li never yielded an inch on his asking price, he was a man of his word, so once he did get treated to a bowl, he never held back a single detail about the secrets of Lin Hong's butt. As a result, he enjoyed a steady stream of customers and almost more business than he could handle. There were even repeat customers, including one particularly forgetful person who came back three times.

When Baldy Li described the shape of Lin Hong's buttocks, his audience listened rapt with attention, their mouths hanging open, not even aware that they were drooling. But when he finished, they would look thoughtful and say, "It sounds a bit off."

Thanks to Baldy Li's detailed descriptions, these men understood that the Lin Hong they fantasized over every night was in fact a bit different from the actual person.

Poet Zhao also tracked down Baldy Li. One of the fifty-six bowls of house-special noodles that Baldy Li received was from Poet Zhao. As Baldy Li enthusiastically gulped it down, he remarked that this bowl of noodles, for some reason, was tastier than the others. Beaming with satisfaction, he patted his chest and said to Poet Zhao, "There's only one person in all of China who has eaten more house-special noodles than I."

Poet Zhao asked, "Who would that be?"

"Chairman Mao," answered Baldy Li solemnly. "Of course, our venerable Chairman Mao can eat whatever he wants. Besides him, there's no one who can match me."

Poet Zhao had often gone to peep at women's butts in the same latrine where he caught Baldy Li, but after a whole year of surveillance he hadn't caught a single glimpse of Lin Hong's. Baldy Li had merely been poaching on Zhao's turf, but he had managed to snag a prime butt his first time out. If Baldy Li hadn't beaten him to it that day, Zhao would have been the first person to glimpse Lin Hong's butt. Poet Zhao felt that Baldy Li must be truly blessed to have lucked out this way. That day Poet Zhao had been planning to peep, but when he nabbed Baldy Li, his face flushed with excitement, Zhao suddenly lost interest in butts and directed all his attention to Baldy Li.

Now Poet Zhao, not wanting to be left out of the loop, planned to learn the secret of Lin Hong's butt from Baldy Li. But Zhao wasn't even willing to treat him to a bowl of plain noodles, much less house-special noodles. Though Poet Zhao was the one who had paraded Baldy Li through the streets and wrecked his reputation, he had also single-handedly made Baldy Li the recipient of over fifty bowls of house-special noodles. Baldy Li's increasingly ruddy complexion was all thanks to him, so Zhao felt that Baldy Li should express his gratitude. Poet Zhao took out the provincial cultural center's magazine, with pictures of Li Bai and Du Fu on the cover, and flipped to the page containing his magnum opus. When Baldy Li reached out to take the magazine, Poet Zhao tensed up as if he were being mugged and immediately whacked Baldy Li's hand away. He wouldn't let Baldy Li handle his magazine, telling him that his hands were too dirty, and therefore Zhao insisted on holding it as Baldy Li read.

Instead of reading the poem, Baldy Li merely counted the characters and exclaimed, "So few? There are just four lines, with seven characters to a line — that makes only twenty-eight characters."