Yu Hua - Brothers

Whenever Poet Zhao happened upon someone, he expressed deep sympathy over Writer Liu's travails, feeling that Liu had handed over his life to a shameless hussy. Lust had gotten the better of him and had ruined his life. He would conclude, "This is an example of the proverbial single misstep leading to regret of a thousand ages."

The townspeople did not agree with Poet Zhao's choice of literary allusion here and retorted, "How was this a single misstep? He bedded her a hundred times, so at the very least that would make it a hundred missteps."

Poet Zhao was left momentarily speechless, so he tried a different literary nugget, intoning, "Even the mightiest hero still falls at the hands of a beauty."

The crowds still begged to differ, asking, "How is he a hero? And she certainly is no beauty."

Poet Zhao had to nod in agreement, thinking that it is indeed true that The People see all. If Writer Liu couldn't even survive a non-beauty, what could he survive? So Poet Zhao no longer expressed his sympathy and regret at his compatriot's downfall. With a dismissive wave, he sniffed, "Well, he could never amount to much."

Even though Writer Liu was in the thick of his wedding preparations, he was still dreaming of greener pastures. Every night before going to bed he would get all worked up fantasizing about each and every detail of Lin Hong's body, hoping at least to be united with her in his dreams. Though it was Writer Liu who, along with Poet Zhao, had paraded Baldy Li through the streets of Liu Town, he was rather awed by the fact that Baldy Li had glimpsed Lin Hong's naked behind. In order to increase the authenticity and realism of his fantasized couplings with Lin Hong, Writer Liu urgently wanted to know the remaining mysteries of her body. So now every time he saw Baldy Li, he greeted him like an old friend. However, he was sorely disappointed by Baldy Li's refusal to utter more than the single word Buttocks. One day Writer Liu good-naturedly slapped the back of Baldy Li's head and asked, "Can't you spit anything else out of that mouth of yours?"

Baldy Li asked, "Like what?"

Writer Liu replied, "The word buttocks is a bit too abstract. Can you give me something more concrete …?"

Baldy Li asked in a ringing voice, "How do you make buttocks concrete?"

"Hey, hey, stop hollering!" Writer Liu looked about him, then continued, gesturing wildly: "For instance, how big or little the butt was, how plump or bony…"

Baldy Li reflected on the five bottoms he had seen in the latrine and then announced delightedly, "You're right! Butts do vary in size and shape."

But then he became tight-lipped again. Writer Liu thought that he needed further guidance, so he patiently prompted: "Buttocks are like faces. Everyone's face is different; some have moles and some don't. So how was Lin Hong's?"

Baldy Li thought carefully, then replied, "Lin Hong doesn't have a mole on her face."

"I know that she doesn't have a mole on her face," Writer Liu said. "But I'm not asking about her face. What was her butt like?"

Even at this tender age Baldy Li had already mastered his poker face. He quietly asked Writer Liu, "So what will you give me in return?"

Writer Liu had no choice but to try to bribe him. Reasoning that Baldy Li was still a kid, he had brought along a few pieces of hard candy. Baldy Li gnawed on the candy and gestured for Writer Liu to lower his head. Then, with considerable gusto, he launched into a detailed description of the worthless little butt. Writer Liu asked dubiously, "That's Lin Hongs butt?"

"Nope," Baldy Li replied. "That was the puniest one."

"You little bastard," Writer Liu cursed. "I'm asking about Lin Hong's butt."

Baldy Li shook his head. "I can't bear to talk about it."

"Damn." Writer Liu continued to curse. "She's not your mom, and neither is she your older sister."

Baldy Li decided that he had a point. "You're right, she's not my mom, nor my sister…" But then he shook his head again and added, "But she is my dream lover, so I can't bear to talk about it."

"What kind of dream could you have, you little bastard?" Writer Liu asked impatiently. "So what would it take for you to be able to bear talking about it?"

Baldy Li frowned and pondered for a long time. "Why don't you treat me to a bowl of noodles? Then perhaps I could bear it."

Writer Liu hesitated, then gritted his teeth and agreed. "Okay."

Swallowing hard, Baldy Li went in for the kill. "I don't want a nine-cent bowl of unseasoned noodles. What I want is a thirty-five-cent bowl of house-special noodles — the kind with fish, meat, and shrimp flavors mixed together."

"Three-flavored house-special noodles?" Writer Liu bellowed. "You little bastard. Even I can't afford to have house-special noodles more than a few times a year. If I can't bear to buy them for myself, why would I be willing to buy you a bowl? Keep on dreaming, kid."

Baldy Li nodded earnestly. "Yeah, if you can't even bear to buy house-special noodles for yourself, how could you possibly treat me to some?"

"Damn right." Writer Liu was very pleased with Baldy Li's attitude. "So you'll have a bowl of plain noodles."

Baldy Li swallowed and said with an air of regret, "But for unseasoned noodles, I don't think I could bear to part with my secret."

Writer Liu gnashed his teeth in fury. He wanted nothing more than to smack Baldy Li in his face until it was a bloody pulp. But in the end he agreed to treat Baldy Li to a bowl of house-special noodles. He cursed again, adding, "Okay, here's your house-special noodles. Now give me all the details."

Blacksmith Tong also came to hear about Lin Hong's butt. After discovering that Baldy Li had glimpsed Tongs own wife's plump butt, Tong had given him a good thrashing. But Blacksmith Tong was also a "greener pastures" sort of guy, and each night as he went to bed with his plump wife in his arms, he closed his eyes and fantasized about Lin Hong's slender figure. Unlike Writer Liu, Tong went straight to the point. When he spotted Baldy Li in the street, he blocked the boy with his massive figure and peered down, saying, "Hey, kid, you remember me?"

Baldy Li looked up. "I'd recognize you even if you were a pile of ashes."

Blacksmith Tong glowered. "So you wish me dead, kid?"

"No, no, no," Baldy Li quickly answered, thinking that he had to avoid those big hammer fists at all costs. He pried his mouth wide open with his hands, showing Blacksmith Tong. "You see, you see? I'm short two teeth because of you."

Then Baldy Li pointed to his left ear. "It's like a beehive in there with all the buzzing."

Blacksmith Tong laughed and proclaimed for the benefit of the passersby "Well, since you're just a kid, I'll treat you to a bowl of noodles to make up for it."

Blacksmith Tong strutted toward the People's Restaurant, with Baldy Li closely following, hands behind his back. Baldy Li thought to himself that Chairman Mao was right when he said that there is no such thing as unmerited love or hatred. So if Blacksmith Tong suddenly wanted to treat him to a bowl of noodles, it must be because he wanted to find out about Lin Hong's butt. Baldy Li scurried forward and quietly asked him, "So you're treating me to a bowl of noodles to find out about buttocks. Right?"

Tong laughed and nodded. "You're a smart kid."

Baldy Li said, "But you already have some ass at home…"

"You know how men are," Tong confided. "They're always peering into the pot even when they're eating out of the bowl."

Tong walked into the People's Restaurant with the air of a big spender, but the moment he sat down he became a cheapskate and only bought Baldy Li a bowl of plain noodles. Baldy Li hmmphed to himself but didn't say anything. Once the bowl was on the table, he dove in with his chopsticks and slurped away until he was covered in sweat and his nose was running. Blacksmith Tong watched as Baldy Li's snot ran down to the edge of his lips and was sucked back up, again and again. After watching four rounds of this, Tong suddenly noticed that half the noodles had already disappeared, and he became impatient with Baldy Li's reticence. He said, "Hey, hey, don't just sit there and eat. Time to talk."