Yu Hua - Brothers

"As long as you say that she's used one, then she has," Poet Zhao said. "Everyone will take you at your word."

Wandering Zhou nodded his approval and said to Song Gang, "Executive Assistant Zhao is absolutely right."

Song Gang shook his head. "I can't say that."

Poet Zhao said anxiously, "Boss Zhou pays you one hundred yuan a day, but you aren't willing to say one simple thing."

"I'm willing to say anything else, but I can't say that." Song Gang continued shaking his head.

Poet Zhao wanted to go on, but Wandering Zhou gestured for him to be quiet. Zhou thought for a moment, then suggested to Song Gang, "How about this? You don't need to say anything, just let Executive Assistant Zhao do the talking. All you need to do is stand next to him. You don't even need to nod; I just ask that you not shake your head."

Song Gang thought to himself that if he didn't need to speak or nod, then he could rest easy. Wandering Zhou had Poet Zhao and Song Gang scurry behind him like servants, each carrying one of his cardboard boxes. Song Gang's box even had a stool perched on top. Wandering Zhou, meanwhile, sauntered in front empty-handed.

The three of them reached the middle of the street that was to be used for the competition. Wandering Zhou stood on the stool and instructed Poet Zhao and Song Gang to open the two boxes and take out the two brands of imported and domestic artificial hymens. A crowd of virgin beauties and other onlookers gathered around, buzzing about like the mosquitoes that had swarmed around Wandering Zhou and Poet Zhao the night before. Wandering Zhou first took the imported Joan of Arc hymens, lifting them high above his head and shouting, "These are imported Joan of Arc artificial hymens, selling for three hundred yuan each. If you go to the hospital to have hymen-recon surgery, it will cost you three thousand yuan. At the hospital, furthermore, three thousand yuan will only allow you to be a virgin once, but if you buy my Joan of Arc hymens, for three thousand yuan you can be a virgin ten times over."

Wandering Zhou then explained how the hymens were to be used, illustrating the process with pantomime: "First, wash your hands well and dry them." He mimed washing and drying his hands. "Then take a hymen out of its vacuum-sealed aluminum-foil package and roll it up into a tight ball. Second, take this roll and place it in the deepest point of the vagina." He inserted his hand into his pants. "This should be done very quickly in order to prevent the hymen from sticking to your hands and being pulled back out." He immediately pulled his hand back out of his pants as though he had been burned. "Third, after the hymen has been in place for three to five minutes, you can engage in intercourse." This time he didn't perform the relevant action. "Fourth, after intercourse, you can go to the restroom and clean the bloody mucus from your genitals." He placed his hand in his pants and made scrubbing gestures. "When you begin intercourse, the woman should adjust her position as appropriate" — he twisted his own body—"in order to make it difficult for the man to enter her, and also should exhibit signs of pain to complement the rupture of the artificial hymen" — he furrowed his brows and adopted an agonized expression—"and if you add painful moans and a bashful expression" — he didn't moan, but he did offer a bashful look—"the effect will be even more realistic."

As the virgin beauties and other onlookers shouted in approval Wandering Zhou began to introduce his domestic hymens, saying, "These are my domestic Lady Meng Jiang hymens, which sell for one hundred yuan apiece. For the price of a single hymen-recon surgery in the hospital, you can be a virgin thirty times over."

Someone in the crowd shouted, "Why don't you demonstrate one for us?"

Wandering Zhou laughed and asked, "Is there a female comrade who would be willing to demonstrate for everyone?"

The virgin beauties and other onlookers erupted in laughter. The original questioner suggested, "Why don't you hold it in one hand and use a finger to pierce it?"

The crowd shouted their agreement, and Wandering Zhou laughed and said, "This costs one hundred yuan. There are more than one hundred of you, so if everyone contributes one yuan, I can demonstrate it for you."

Everyone took out one yuan, and Poet Zhao and Song Gang worked up heads full of sweat running back and forth until they had finally collected one hundred one-yuan bills. Wandering Zhou then began the demonstration, opening one of the Lady Meng Jiang brand boxes and removing an artificial hymen wrapped in aluminum foil. After ripping open the wrapper, he held the artificial hymen in his left hand and then tried to pierce it with his right index finger. The first time he failed to pierce it completely, and the second time he didn't pierce it either. The virgin beauties and other onlookers all laughed, and a man in the crowd shouted, "Is this an old virgin?"

"This is a Lady Meng Jiang brand hymen," Wandering Zhou said proudly. "Lady Meng Jiang's tears could topple the Great Wall, so naturally her hymen is sturdy."

In the ensuing peals of laughter, Wandering Zhou poked the hymen a third time and this time was finally able to puncture it, releasing a flood of blood-colored liquid. He proudly gestured and said, "Did you see? Did you see? This is wedding-night virgin blood!"

After the laughter died down, Wandering Zhou recommenced his original routine. Because Poet Zhao wasn't married, Wandering Zhou called out to Song Gang, "Song Gang, what brand of artificial hymen did your wife use last night?"

"An imported Joan of Arc one, of course," Poet Zhao replied on Song Gangs behalf. Then he added, in the same proud tone as Wandering Zhou, "Song Gangs wife wouldn't be using domestic products, would she?"

Wandering Zhou asked Song Gang again, "Last night when you made love, how did your wife feel?"

Again, it was Poet Zhao who replied, "She cried out in agony!"

Wandering Zhou nodded with satisfaction, then asked, "How did you feel?"

Again, it was Poet Zhao who replied, "Broke out in a cold sweat."

This response, however, displeased Wandering Zhou. He frowned and said, "It should have been warm sweat from all that happy exertion."

Poet Zhao immediately corrected himself. "First it was a cold sweat, and then— a-one, a-two, a-three —three seconds later, it turned into warm sweat!"

"Well said!" Wandering Zhou said loudly. "After three seconds of enjoyment, a polar chill becomes an African heat wave." Wandering Zhou was very pleased with Poet Zhao's rapid correction. He nodded approvingly, then confidently asked Song Gang, "Song Gang, in conclusion, what is the greatest advantage of artificial hymens?"

This time Song Gang blushed, blushing under his mask all the way from his neck to his forehead. He hadn't expected that he would still be placed in such a difficult position even if he didn't speak or nod. Now he wanted to find a hole in the ground to crawl into. In the end, it was again Poet Zhao who answered for him. Pointing at Song Gang, he said loudly, "Song Gang's wife is the only woman he has slept with in his entire life. But after she used an artificial hymen" — Poet Zhao held up two fingers—"Song Gang can say he has now slept with two virgins."

"You are absolutely right!" Wandering Zhou's eyes shimmered with excitement, and he shouted to everyone, "That is the advantage of artificial hymens. They not only allow women who have already lost their hymens to regain their self-confidence and self-respect, but furthermore help men to be even more faithful to their wives! Quick, come buy some. Women should buy them, and men need to buy them even more! For the price of a single operation in the hospital, with Joan of Arc hymens men can enjoy more than ten deflowerings with a single woman, and with Lady Meng Jiang hymens you'd be able to enjoy thirty deflowerings."