Michael Seidlinger - The Fun We've Had

Next she felt every square inch of the fabric of the coffin for hairline cracks while he examined all four sides. With their own bare hands, they plugged the holes with pieces of their skin, be it from their forearm or their thighs, their bodies were now theirs to use how they saw fit.

In celebration they paired up whatever was left of their senses with whatever was left of their bodies.

Afterwards, the sex that she had desired for so long, the sex she never experienced in life, felt perfunctory. She dismissed the feeling in favor of the fact that it was still the sex that she had craved. It was the sex that only he could give her. Perhaps the expectations exceeded the actual act. What she was surely positive of was the fact that she cared for him, and cared for him deeply.

She was glad that it had been with him rather than someone else. And when it came time to speak without restriction, the result of having held on so long, the speech returned to her and him, it was surprising to find that both chose the same three words they had said countless times:

“I love you.”

If this was all they could be, they would take it.

Inevitable though it was, letting go, they held on and it was a holding on that involved facing themselves.

More they did, they sensed and smelled and swore that they had never borrowed, they were satisfied enough with sharing their solitude, this purgatory. This aftermath.

Demise would be the setting of their romance.

Their romance would be spacious “I love you’s” in the waiting room between life and death. They would love and be genuine at a time when no one was genuine, at a time when time elapsed and people, everyone, the masses let go.

And by that it could only mean finally letting go, seeing how life is a series of escapes and ledges, an admirable duration of holding on. Hold and be held, that is life.

And this, this is death. There could be no love without first being a death.

Having bargained to hold on, he now feared how much left he had to lose. No question about it, there would be loss. He feared the coming dawn. Nightfall wouldn’t last for much longer.

This, her in his arms, would not last much longer.

She shivered when he didn’t shiver, and he had begun to shiver nonstop. But at least they had faced themselves and could say anything to each other to shelter each other from their fears.

His fear grew with each turn, and he answered before she could ask, “Yeah, we’re having fun.”

Much like a hero in any other story, he needed to feel like he had the power to make a difference. He wanted desiredneeded to play that role.

The tale goes on like this. It gets darker. It invokes fear in both him and her. The conditions quickly turn merciless.

The role may be fake, and it is, but it is his strongest hold, the only means of holding on. It will get so much worse the more they are willing to admit to their demise.

She leaned into his arms, a cuddle that was kind and gentle. Too bad he couldn’t enjoy her company.

He was too concerned, as if he could now see the coastline, and a line of riflemen aimed at them, looking to pull the trigger and force them to let go. He had to protect her.

His biggest fear was that he would slip away and yet she would remain. Alone.

Neither could face the feeling of loneliness. Never could.

A protector, fatherly and of a far-fetched sort, he held her more than she held him back, but it was perfect because it was all they could do. Having so much to say, he couldn’t begin to tell her of what might be watching from the ocean’s depths.

To allay that worry, the worry so real, he treated her with fantasies, “Maybe we can do a duet.” Anything to occupy or entertain her doubled as preoccupation and, when she seemed to believe him, really believe him, he almost forgot where they were.

It could have been a boat and they could have been only a few paddles away from a beach.

“Maybe we can see who is the fastest swimmer, one straight line and back.”

He clicked his tongue.

“Maybe we can fish for new fantasies if none of these worked. We could look for the one that you wanted, the one that is on the tip of my tongue, but I can no longer remember what it was.”

Fantasies were all they were and barely that. They were his buoys more so than hers, but she’d still kiss him on the cheek, still laugh or giggle, and, if none of the above, she at least smiled that smile, the one so perfectly practiced it erased the creeping dangers from view.

When she wanted a drink, he cupped his hands and plunged them into the cold waters. He saw in the water the reflection of the sky, now a light blue. Soon it would—

But she wanted water, and that was enough; water was what she needed, and until he gave her the water, it was all he could think about.

He cupped his hand and lowered it into the water. Bringing it up to her face, her smile inverted to a frown. She coughed, spitting the water, telling him to try it. It had turned acidic. The seawater tasted like copper and wouldn’t stay down.

He leaned over the edge, dry-heaving.

She asked him what it meant and he shook his head, “Not yet. Don’t start until it starts.” He had to be confident. There could be no alternative. But of course, the shark appeared at dawn, little more than a ripple in the water, sleek and silent, barely noticed, until he saw the fin circling the coffin.

The shark was an omen.

It brought with it everything he had feared.

This belongs to you. Now let go.

Arms tightening around her, “I’m not letting go,” he said under his breath.

His arms were heavy and warm. She hid from the cold inside his embrace. There was cold only because she couldn’t bear to be anywhere but in his arms. The cliché of new romances and the desire for consistent affection and contact existed as a cliché because it was true. It was the only reason she held on.

Her grip so tight on his forearm, she wasn’t avoiding demise because she wanted to remain. She avoided demise because she couldn’t bear to have him go.

Somehow he had turned her into his own buoy, his only reason to remain, and it was because of this that she would remain too. Hold on because not holding on would cut them in half.

Severed: her error, as always, ruined everything.

Little kisses kept him from losing focus. In his arms, she wasn’t afraid. However who did he have to confide in?

She took and never gave back. This is what she believed. Based on how he acted, it might be true.

All the fantasies fed were just cause for a genuine smile.

The plainest fear was that he wouldn’t be able to keep the coffin afloat. What could she do…?

Nothing.

Those little kisses were enough until she coughed, spitting out the water he had given, and the entire charade, from her eyes, shattered like the night. Clouds formed yellow borders as if to taunt her. Soon. Soon there will be no way to hide.

For this to work, one character has to know more of the story. One of the two characters needs to be able to read these lines. Every single line read in the past tense, and therefore clearly understood of the implications of being where they had already been. The burden that’s his was nowhere near as heavy as the burden she carried. Every single one of her actions and inactions concealed the true wreckage of this tale.

Forget all about the water. Forget how it tasted. She had known all along how it would taste. Coughing was better than swallowing it down. Eyes shut. That’s right. Shutting one’s eyes would save the moment, the moment that, she imagined he wasn’t able to enjoy. Because of that, she felt a tinge of pity, followed by the truest range of self-loathing, how one must feel when completely alone, silenced from all connection.