Michael Seidlinger: Falter Kingdom

Everyone I know is already talking in the past tense, going on and on about how this is all going to end soon. I hear it in the halls before class. I hear it when we should be trading homework. I hear it in the invites I get to graduation parties. I hear it from Becca whenever we do anything.

“You can’t forget, Hunter. This is way serious.”

Like I’m really going to forget.

It’s all I can think about anymore.

I’m told everywhere I turn that these years were the best years of my life. Our reign as seniors coming to an end, and here we are. But the way everyone’s saying it, it sounds like this is the best it’ll ever get.

It can’t be that serious.

But the more I think about it, the more it seems to make sense. Maybe I’m underselling it.

Give it enough thought and I can basically warm up to any idea. Even if I don’t really feel like it’s serious, thinking about it a lot will make it stick. It will make it real serious.

School is almost over.

In the fall, I won’t be walking up the narrow steps to Meadows; I’ll be walking up the narrow steps that lead to the student union building at State. Think about that. Really try to let it sink in.

Yeah, I guess it’s pretty final, huh?

“I can’t believe we’re graduating. Like a month from now.”

I’m chatting with Becca. We’re always talking online.

She’s my girlfriend so it shouldn’t be weird. But sometimes it is. Well, not weird. It’s just kind of annoying. I like to sign out for a few minutes, just to cut out, and then sign back in. Becca thinks my house has shitty Internet. It’s an excuse that’s held and, man, I want it to hold on tight.

But we’ve been going since almost the beginning of high school. Nothing’s changed since she asked me out toward the middle of freshman year. It’s been good. And it’s been a while, yeah. She’s gotten used to me and, really, I’ve gotten used to her. Even the things I can’t stand.

Same as anything else:

If I think about it enough, I get used to it.

“You never did ask me to prom…”

“It’s like a few weeks away right?”

I watch the little icon flicker once, twice. It means Becca typed something but deleted it and started again. It also means she didn’t like what I said and now I’m going to have to be the one who fixes things.

“You’re still going to ask right?” She adds an emoji, a teary-eyed cat.

I look at the paused unboxing video, wanting so much to just watch the rest of it. Kind of ruins the enjoyment factor when I’m interrupted.

I look at myself in the mirror hanging above my bed. It takes a second for me to realize that the person I’m seeing in the mirror is me. With time and aging, I can almost grow a full five o’clock shadow. Know what that means?

That means a full beard. That means whatever it means.

Becca won’t let me grow a beard, just like she won’t let me grow my hair out. I thought about letting it grow long, earlier this year. I’m a senior, I should kind of look older than I am, you know? Give my plain brown hair/brown eyes look a little face-lift.

But yeah, I keep my hair short and face shaved. Becca’s preference.

I look away from my reflection, plain looks and all, and push that thought aside. Get to fixating on that stuff just makes it harder to deal with life.

Life is constant.

It won’t let me just kick back and watch unboxing videos online.

I send her an emoji, a winking dog wearing a suit.

She replies, “?” and then “WTF.”

I guess it doesn’t make much sense. I thought it looked like I was holding back a secret. Like saying, Never know when I’ll pop the question. “Pop the question.” Sounds like we’re getting married.

That’s another thought to push aside.

I type, “Surprise. It’ll be a surprise.”

Becca types, “It better,” winking smiley where the period should be.

I stare at what she just typed, fingers light on the keys.

The winking smiley. Can’t stand the winking smiley. Becca uses it a lot.

I go back to the tab with the unboxing video. I stare at the paused frame. I look at the time on my phone.

Three A.M. It’s the weekend. Tomorrow’s — well, technically today’s — Sunday. Don’t have school, but that wouldn’t change much.

I’m not much of a sleeper. I’ll stay up as late as I can when I want to. I stay up even later on the nights when I need to get the most rest.

Go figure.

But that’s my cue to exit. It’s my go-to excuse, “Got to go.”

“Yeah, it’s kind of late.” And then she types, “Can’t believe it’s really happening. We’re graduating.”

I tell her, “Yeah. So crazy. Night.”

“Love you,” she types, with the heart emoji added.

I do the same, from practice. I don’t even need to think about it. It’s typed, right there on-screen.

Then I sign out and go back to the video clip.

My night begins when there’s no one else who I need to talk to. Don’t have to keep up appearances; it’s just the glow of the computer screen and me. It’s just this room and me. Being here is sort of a sanctuary, late at night.

I like watching the unboxing videos the most. But other videos — especially video game walk-throughs and retro stuff — work just as well. Most popular videos on the site are music videos and other trending pop culture stuff. But I skip even the recommended viewing clips. I just like the simple stuff.

Kind of wish I got ahold of some beer earlier. Mix these videos, beer, and the quiet of a darkened room and that’s about as close as I can get to feeling calm.

But yeah, there’s something medicinal about unboxing videos. The best are the ones where they take their time, cutting through the cellophane all carefully, meanwhile treating even the inserts and thin brochures that come with the camera, or phone, or game system, as equal as the fragile new device.

This is one of those videos. I’ve watched it before.

Watching the guy pull the phone out from its factory-sealed bag, I can almost forget about graduation. I can almost forget about all the insanity that’s getting around at school.

But there are some things I can’t quite push from my mind.

Like, okay, I could really talk, and I mean really talk, about the stuff I find so fascinating, the stuff I won’t even talk about here. I can do that, but whenever I do it’s kind of like seeing people’s eyes glaze over.

I’m not even saying anything insane, at least I don’t think I am, but it happens. I talk a different kind of talk and suddenly no one’s listening.

That’s society. That’s life.

That’s what I think about at three A.M., when sober and streaming videos instead of sleeping.

It’s best to just keep to things that work, things that everyone can relate to and talk about. With so many views on this unboxing video, I think it’s pretty smart to say that I’m not the only one watching unboxing videos. I’m not the only one vegging out on streamed videos.

We’re all doing it. Some of us just aren’t getting the most out of it.

Everyone’s enamored (I love that word), but no one’s making the most of what these videos can do. No one’s really connecting with the existential (another word I love) power of these videos. It’s not just the opening of a brand-new phone or game system; it’s a glimpse of the future. It’s like every single thing that’s being opened is the first in what’ll be one long life of ownership and possession. And, man, there’s something so compelling about being there for that first look. Okay, now I sound like I’m insane.