Rafael Yglesias - Only Children

She knew because watching him, listening to him, she realized that’s what she had done, that the legend of her constipation as a child was a myth. She had hated the feeling of letting go, of the stuff coming through, coming out, but she wasn’t her parent’s firstborn and no one wanted or expected her to be perfect, the way Eric wants Luke to be, so she was put on laxatives and left to suffer if she fought them, and to this day, she had to drink four cups of coffee each morning and try several times before relieving herself, grimacing throughout the whole unpleasantness. But Luke has to be perfect or Eric will go mad, so Nina called the psychologist and told him about Luke’s behavior.

The psychologist’s deep, humorless voice stopped her before she got a few words out: “Has your pediatrician checked him for a physical problem?”

“Yes, there’s—”

“And you had no trouble training him about urinating?”

“No. He doesn’t wet his bed. His problem is letting things out.”

“Okay, I know exactly how to solve this. I need to see you and your husband once. The fee will be a hundred and fifty dollars.”

“Do we bring Luke?”

“No. I don’t need to see him. I just have to tell the two of you what to do, and if you’re consistent, within a few weeks, the problem will be solved.”

“Really?” She breathed in his tone of confidence. It was like believing in God. Everything solved, made perfect. You love Jesus and you go to heaven.

“Absolutely. I’ve dealt with hundreds of cases. All successful. Of the big three, sleeping problems, eating problems, and what I call obstipation, this is the easiest to deal with.”

He made an appointment to see them that night.

Of course, when she told Eric, he was so predictable. She had done what he wanted, and of course, he balked at the result. “A hundred and fifty dollars! Who is this guy? God?”

If he can do what he promised, he’s God. “Eric, you wanted to deal with this. So we’re going. Otherwise, I don’t want to hear another word from you about it.”

“All right.” He sighed, the fate of the Union resting on his shoulders — so many dead, so many lost for the sake of a free country.

Why do I love Eric?

Luke is so wonderful. So beautiful. Skin as sweet and smooth as vanilla ice cream. His eyes shone truth: his love, his fear, his dreams, his sorrows. He adores Eric. And me. He knows he’s loved and he loves us. Let him be constipated, Lincoln. Give up. A house divided against itself is the only kind that’s built.

But they went and sat in a tiny waiting room, with paint peeling on the walls, while the psychologist met with another couple. When the couple emerged, they looked beat. They were middle-aged parents; they appeared to be in their forties. They averted their eyes, but shame glowed from the corners.

Cheer up, Nina thought, we’re screwups too. Probably everyone is.

The psychologist nodded. “That’s very interesting. That could be. You know, I don’t care about causes,” he said this to Eric. “I’m not that kind of therapist. I only care about solving the problem. In terms of the treatment, it makes no difference why it started. If you’re a Freudian, you won’t like that, but your son’ll have a better chance of getting to a Freudian psychiatrist if he’s not sitting at home, holding in his bowel movements.”

Eric stared at the psychologist, held himself up, resistant, a stiff sail, for a moment. Then his chest sagged. He leaned back, his chair groaning for mercy. “You’ve got a point.”

“These things happen because the parents are good parents, or are trying to do the right thing. Your son complains about something, you pay attention to it, and your concern becomes a way of having you. Do you have trouble with Luke about eating?”

“No,” Eric said.

“What do you do if he says he doesn’t want to eat?”

“We say fine.”

“Aren’t you worried that he’ll starve?”

“No,” Nina said. “I read in a book that he won’t starve. He’ll eat.”

“Exactly. You know he will, you don’t worry, so he doesn’t worry. He eats. Sleeping, eating, and going to the bathroom are things that human beings have to do. We’re animals, after all, we’ll do them, as long as there’s no reason not to. You have to act as though you expect him to go to the bathroom. And he will. Because he can. There’s nothing physically wrong with him. This is what you do: when you see Luke hold it in, and only then, only when you see, but every time you see him hold it in, you take him by the hand and say, ‘It’s time to go to the bathroom, Luke.’ And you take him into the bathroom. If he talks to you about it, argues or chats or whatever, and this is very important, don’t answer him, don’t get angry, don’t do anything. Just lead him into the bathroom and tell him to go and leave him there. If he comes out and hasn’t gone, don’t say anything, don’t answer him if he talks about it. Wait until you see him hold it in again, and then take him by the hand, say, ‘It’s time to go to the bathroom, Luke,’ and do it all over again. You may have to do it a hundred times. Now, if he starts to cry, walk away. Say, ‘I don’t talk to little boys that cry,’ and just walk away. Don’t get angry, don’t discuss it. Wait until he stops crying, then take him by the hand again and say, ‘It’s time to go to the bathroom, Luke.’ Eventually, he’ll go. When he does, give him a reward. M & M’s are good. Don’t give him a lot, just a few, don’t make a big deal about it. Say, ‘You were a big boy, Luke, so you get a reward,’ and you give him a few M & M’s. Eventually, after it’s been working for a while, don’t mention the M & M’s. If he does, give them to him. He’ll forget after a while. The important thing about all this is consistency. He will try anything to stop you from ignoring his problem. You have to be consistent. It’s hard, but it only takes a few weeks, and I’m telling you it will work. He wants anger, or protection, or talk, or anything, anything but to do it. That’s what you have to insist on. That it’s just a normal thing that everybody does. You can say that if you like. ‘Everybody has to go to the bathroom, Luke,’ but that’s the only explanation he should ever hear. Don’t praise him any more than I’ve said when he does succeed. That’s just as bad as yelling at him for failing. It isn’t an accomplishment. It isn’t something to be praised or punished for; it isn’t something he does to please you. It’s a normal human function.”

They both sat meek and silent in their chairs, mute children, punished by the truth, frightened by its demand. Nina went over it and over it in her mind. I can’t do this, she thought. To the psychologist, she complained, “I don’t want to say to him, ‘I don’t talk to boys who cry.’ ”

“Okay,” the psychologist answered quickly. “Then say, ‘When you’re finished crying, I’ll come back,’ and leave him. This is also important, if he follows you, crying, you have to leave, don’t punish him for it, just leave him.”

“I don’t like that,” Eric said.

“I’m only talking about when he cries because you tell him to go to the bathroom. Not other kinds of crying.”

“I don’t know,” Eric said.

“If you want him to be free of this, this will work. Give him an opening and he’ll take it. It’s up to you.”

Lincoln sat. His heavy head fell onto his chest. Nina didn’t blame him. This would be a burden. And it would be Eric’s burden. She knew everything now, knew that Luke’s problem was her fault, just as Eric had believed all along. She had had the same problem as a child and thus she could never insist to Luke that everybody goes to the bathroom, that it was expected of him, because to this day, somewhere, buried under the covers of adulthood, a frightened child continued to hope she would never have to go again.