Scott McClanahan - Crapalachia - A Biography of Place

Isn’t everyone?

That’s when “Dust in the Wind” started. He turned on his CD player and sat down on his bed and listened.

He said, “You like ‘Dust in the Wind’?”

I said sure and started putting away all of my stuff that I brought with me. I tried not to think about Nathan or Ruby or graveyards.

I listened to the song: I close my eyes, only for a moment and the moment’s gone.

Then Bill went over to the scale and weighed himself.

He weighed 225 pounds.

Then he got off and weighed himself again.

He weighed 225 pounds.

Then he told me the story of the Greenbrier Ghost.

It was about this woman named Zona who suddenly died back in the 1890s. Her husband was so overcome with grief that he put a red ribbon around her neck and he buried her without letting the other women prepare the body. Weeks later her mother woke up and Zona’s ghost was at the foot of her bed. She told her mother that her husband murdered her. He killed me, Mommy. He strangled me and broke my neck.

Her mother went to the sheriff and they exhumed her body. They found her neck was broken. It was just like the ghost said.

Then Bill told me it was the only case in the history of the country where a man has been convicted of murder on the second-hand testimony of a ghost. This story didn’t cheer me up.

The song finally ended and he hit play again. I close my eyes, only for a moment and the moment’s gone.

Then he went and weighed himself again.

He weighed 225 pounds.

There were other things Bill did too. He washed his hands. He took a hell of a lot of showers. He washed his hands some more. He sprayed some more Lysol. He weighed himself again. He weighed 225 pounds. He told me about the Greenbrier Ghost again.

Then he played “Dust in the Wind.”

I close my eyes, only for a moment and the moment’s gone.

I asked him if he had to listen to the song again. He said, “I thought you liked Kansas?”

I told him I was just being nice.

He turned it off. Then he started spraying the walls down with some more Lysol. “You’ll see one day,” he said. “You’ll see.” Then he played Kansas, I close my eyes…

So that night Bill told me what was wrong with him. He told me he had a condition called OCD.

A LIST OF OCD SYMPTOMS IN CASE YOU ARE A HYPOCHONDRIAC AND WONDERING IF YOU MIGHT BE SUFFERING FROM OCD:

1. Compulsive actions in order to alleviate anxiety.

2. Obsessive thoughts in order to alleviate anxiety.

3. A combination of compulsive actions and obsessive thoughts in order to alleviate anxiety.

4. Constant obsession with a particular repetition of actions/ and or thought patterns.

Then he told me how it happened.

He told me how he first knew something was wrong with him when he was ten years old. He was sitting up on the counter eating a giant bag of cheeseballs. He was covered in orange cheeseball dust. It was on his hands and it was on his fingers and it was on his face. He kept eating the cheeseballs and before long he started thinking that he was turning into a cheeseball too. All of a sudden his mother and brother came into the room and he started yelling at them: “Don’t eat me. I’m a cheeseball. I’m a cheeseball.”

So he jumped off the counter and before long he started running around because he thought they were trying to eat him. Of course, this freaked them out so they chased after him thinking that something was wrong. They chased him around the house. They chased him around again.

Then they chased him around the house one more time and now Bill was screaming, “I’m a fucking cheeseball. Don’t eat me.”

Then he told me about the Greenbrier Ghost.

And then he told me it was like this with chicken of any kind too. He cleared his throat again, eeeeghh . He told me if he got anywhere near chicken he would start to get all sweaty trying to swallow the thing. He told me about being a kid and trying to eat chicken legs. He would chew on it and have to spit it out. He couldn’t bring himself to swallow it.

I said, “Damn.”

He said, “I thought I was possessed by the devil for a while. I knew I wasn’t in control anymore.”

He said, “Then I realized no one is in control.”

The next morning I woke up to the lyric:

I close my eyes, only for a moment and the moment’s gone. All we are is dust in the wind .

I came home the next day, I close my eyes, only for a moment and the moment’s gone.

I went to bed each night. All we are is dust in the wind.

I finally said, “Would you please stop it? Seriously. Stop.”

He played, I close my eyes, only for a moment and the moment’s gone.

STOP.

He grunted. He checked his weight. He weighed 225 pounds.

STOP.

He grunted. He checked his weight. He weighed 225 pounds.

He told me about the Greenbrier Ghost. Back in the 1890s a woman named Zona suddenly died.

STOP. You’re driving me nuts.

He played his music.

When he was gone one day, I hid the CD.

He sprayed Lysol.

STOP.

He grunted. He rubbed his hands together.

He told me about the Greenbrier Ghost. It’s the only case in history where a man has been convicted based on the second-hand testimony of a ghost.

STOP.

He sprayed Lysol and rubbed his hands together. He grunted, errghhh .

Then one morning I woke up and he was gone. He told me the night before that he was going to see his grandpa.

I didn’t know what to do without him. I actually walked around and cleaned up. I felt a little fat. I got up on the scale and I watched the weight pop up. I weighed 196. Then I got down and rubbed my hands together.

I thought, How much do I weigh now?

I couldn’t remember. I got back on the scale. I weighed 196 pounds. I got off. I got back on the scale. I got off. Then I went back to the closet and got out the CD. I put it in the player and pushed play. Then I started singing along, “I close my eyes, only for a moment and the moment’s gone. All we are is dust in the wind.” I listened to the whole song and then I did it again.

I close my eyes.

I listened to the whole song and then I did it again.

I close my eyes.

I told myself the story of the Greenbrier Ghost. He killed me, Mommy. He strangled me and broke my neck. I tried not thinking about Ruby and Nathan.

I listened to the whole song and then I did it again.

I close my eyes.

I told the story. It’s the only case in the history of the country where a man has been convicted of murder based on the second-hand testimony of a ghost.

I listened to the whole song and then I did it again.

I looked down at my hands and my hands weren’t my hands anymore. My hand wasn’t made of flesh anymore. My hand wasn’t even a hand anymore. I held it up and looked at it. It was orange. I said, “I’m a cheeseball. I’m a motherfucking cheeseball.” I wasn’t in control anymore.

I stayed up late that night and I thought about Nathan and how he died and I thought about my grandmother. I went through my wallet and looked at the funeral notice from a few months earlier.

I read:

IN MEMORY OF

NATHAN ELGIE McCLANAHAN

BORN

May 8, 1943

Backus Mountain, WV

PASSED AWAY

February 11, 1996

Beckley, WV

SERVICES

February 15, 1996

2:00 PM

Wallace and Wallace Chapel

Rainelle, WV

Pastor Steve Martin

INTERNMENT

Goddard Cemetery

Red Springs, WV

Then I went to sleep and I dreamed about graveyards.