Scott McClanahan - Crapalachia - A Biography of Place

So after dinner was over I watched Grandma gather up all the dishes and put them in the sink.

Then Grandma said: “Well, Todd, you sure didn’t eat much. You’re just a skinny thing — look sickly.”

But I didn’t say anything about Todd not being my name. She wouldn’t listen anyway because she was on to something else now.

I started washing the dishes and then she started going on about how I didn’t need to throw away the styrofoam plates because she could use them again.

I said: “Well you can’t wash styrofoam plates and use them again. It’s not healthy. You can’t get them clean.”

But Ruby just told me to wash them and said: “Well that’s all right. That’s the reason I got something.”

After dinner I took a nap and I dreamed a dream about the future and in this future I was dreaming a dream about the past. But in my dreams I’m always back at Ruby’s house, and back at Ruby’s table. It’s always Sunday again and we’re all just sitting around the table like we always did. Nathan’s on one side and I’m on the other and my grandma’s on the left. And just like always she’s fixed chicken and gravy and we’re all so hungry and passing the plates — the biscuits, the mayonnaise salad, the cucumbers in vinegar, and I think to myself, even now, that this will be what the final moments of oxygen escaping from my brain will be like. It’ll be like a Sunday so long ago with all of the dead stuffing themselves full of food cooked with lard, and gravy that will once again clog their arteries and kill their hearts. It will be the feast of death and it will taste so delicious.

Then I dreamed that she was gone and yet, even now there’s still something about me that believes I can bring her back from the dead. There’s something in me that wants them to rise from the grave and go back there. There’s something about me that wishes I could see them again.

But wait! There’s still something that makes sense.

There’s still the recipe for chicken and gravy. There may still be something of Ruby inside of it. So here’s the recipe…

Ingredients

1 (3 pound) frying chicken, cut up

2 cups of buttermilk

1 teaspoon of garlic powder

1 teaspoon of onion powder

1 teaspoon poultry seasoning

Vegetable oil for deep frying

Butter

Flour

Directions

Wash chicken and pat dry. In a large bowl, stir together buttermilk, garlic powder, onion powder, flour and butter. Place chicken in buttermilk mixture and refrigerate.

In a large cast iron frying pan, heat oil to 325 degrees F. Drain chicken in a colander to remove excess buttermilk. Place flour and butter in a large paper bag. Add chicken. Close top and gently shake bag to coat chicken with batter mix. Remove chicken and fry, turning pieces over after 3 minutes. Continue to fry, turning until brown on all sides.

And if you’re reading this — you can go into your kitchen and try making it right now. And even if you don’t know how to cook, wherever you are, and far away into the future, maybe you can make this chicken and gravy and we can bring these zombies back to life again.

I had to take Nathan to the bathroom. It had already been a horrible day. That morning on the way over to the doctor’s office my grandma kept going on about Nathan grabbing the steering wheel and killing us all. I had just got my license and Nathan was sitting in the passenger seat. Ruby was full of anxiety in the back and then she said it again, “Now, Nathan, don’t you grab the steering wheel and wreck and make us crash over the mountain and kill us all.” Nathan just shook his head like Fuck. Do you seriously think I’m going to grab the wheel and wreck us? Do you really think that?

Then he circled his finger around and around his head and told her she was crazy.

I said, “He’s not psychotic, Grandma. He just needs a wheelchair.”

Then we had to wait a couple of hours before the foot doctor could cut Grandma’s toenails. Now here we were eating at Captain D’s and Nathan had this look on his face. That look meant one thing: He had to go to the bathroom. He had to go to the bathroom BAD.

So I got up from the booth and took hold of his wheelchair when Ruby stopped us. She reached into her giant purse and pulled out his pee bottle inside a plastic bag. Then she handed it to me. I just laughed and said: “Well, Grandma, you don’t have to show off the pee bottle to everyone.” Nathan just waved his finger and stomped his foot which meant: I don’t even need the pee bottle. I need to go the other thing.

Ruby told us we might need it. You never know. Then I put the pee bottle on Nathan’s lap and started pushing his wheelchair to the bathroom when she thought of something else. “Little Nathan, you need these too.” Then she pulled out a fresh pair of boxer shorts she kept in her purse. Nathan lowered his head.

I took the pair of boxers and put them in my back pocket. I tried to make a joke about it to make it less uncomfortable. “Shit, Nathan, you’re like a superhero. I need to start carrying around my own change of underwear.”

Nathan didn’t say anything and just held the pee bottle on his lap. We passed the other people who were sitting in their booths. They looked up from their greasy fish and watched us pass. They were staring at Nathan and his pee bottle. Nathan stared back and held his pee bottle. I tried making another joke, “Hey, Nathan. You ever drink beer out of that pee bottle before? If we get lost on the way back home we can use it as a canteen.”

But he didn’t laugh.

He needed to go to the bathroom.

So I stopped in front of the men’s bathroom and tried to open the door, but it was locked. SHIT . I told Nathan that someone must be inside. Nathan tapped his foot against the ground. He needed to go to the bathroom. I couldn’t stop talking, “You know it probably looks funny two guys going to the bathroom together. This is the kind of place where two guys going to the bathroom together could get their asses kicked.”

Nathan didn’t laugh. He tapped his foot and we waited. Then a Captain D’s employee said something. So I walked over to her and left Nathan in front of the door. She said, “That bathroom is out of order. You’re going to have to use the ladies’ room.”

I nodded my head and walked back to Nathan who had a new look on his face. It was a look that said, I need to use the bathroom. I need to use the bathroom. I need to use the bathroom .

I told Nathan we were going to have to use the ladies’ room. I started to move him towards the bathroom, but then I saw an old woman out of the corner of my eye. “Mam,” I said, but it was too late. She was already inside.

The door lock popped.

Pop .

Nathan lowered his head.

SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT .

“It’s okay,” I said. “Just hold it a little while longer. Just a little while longer.”

I bent over and whispered into his ear. “It’s going to be even weirder now. Two guys going to the ladies’ room together.”

I rested my foot against the back of the wheelchair and we waited. “Just a little while longer,” I said.

We waited.

We waited.

The toilet flushed. The old woman came out.

“Oh I’m sorry,” the old woman said.

I smiled and nodded my head. Then I smelled. It was too late.

So I kept the door open with my foot and pushed him inside. I took the boxer shorts out of my back pocket and put them on the sink. Then I took off his Velcro tennis shoes and put them in the corner. I took his white tube socks off and put them in his Velcro tennis shoes. I looked at the bathroom wall. It had a box that said: “Sanitary napkin disposal bags.”