J. Donleavy - A Singular Man

The phone by George's bed was ringing and ringing. It's dark. Must be late. Grab this ringing thing. Just pushed my glass of water over. I can't face turning on the light. O.K., what is it, phone, what are you going to tell me out of that black hole.

"Mr. Smith."

"Yes."

"Sorry to disturb you but there seems that there is a Mrs. Smith—"

"No calls from Mrs. Smith, please."

"But she's not calling, Mr. Smith."

"What is she doing."

"She's smoking and having a drink."

"You've just woken me out of a sound sleep to be flippant."

"She's in the lobby. Said she'd stay till I got you."

"Tell her to go away."

"Mr. Smith I'm afraid you'll have to do that yourself."

"Tell her to come up."

"Yes."

God here I am in the red underwear inviting disaster and laughs. Better to face this situation stark naked. She'll wonder what I'm doing in bed at eight thirty in the evening, my life, my body, I'll put it in bed whenever I want. Second thoughts which I'm making first again, I'll leave on the red underwear. What am I, unclothe myself just to suit her. Come to show me the gold slippers. Just tell her simply, the checks are still going to come, O I'll keep pouring the money in, keep those little kids healthy so they can tell me to my face that I am a big unwholesome cad. This is new, a discreet knock.

"Come in."

"George, may L"

"You may."

"No light."

"I know."

"Where are you George."

"In bed."

"Can't we have some light."

"No."

"Well can I come in."

"Come in."

"Should I close the door."

"Close it."

"Is it all right with you if I sit down."

"By all means. There's a chair three paces to your right."

"Thank you George."

"Any time."

"I've got it."

"Good."

"Can I talk, George."

"Sure."

"You know what I want to say, George."

"Beep beep."

"What's that funny noise you're making."

"You mean, beep beep."

"Yes, beep beep."

"O that's just beep beep."

"Sounds strange coming out of the dark."

"Beep beep."

"George."

"Yes Shirl."

"George."

"I'm listening Sha."

"I sound so loud in the dark."

"Beep beep."

"Don't do that George. Please."

"Beep beep."

"I know I deserve it George."

"Deserve what."

"Beep beep."

"Beep beep."

"George are we cars."

"You said it."

"I wanted you to see my gold slippers George."

"Too dark."

"Yeah. But do you want to feel my gold slippers."

"Stand back."

"I know I deserve it George. Do whatever you want to me."

"Pretty risky talk."

"I want to be risky."

"What are you doing Shirl."

"I'm undoing."

"Beep beep, I'm a car."

"This is the way we used to be, George."

"I've just stopped for traffic lights."

"Are you sitting up George."

"I'm waiting for the lights to change."

"And we should have been like this more often. Don't you think, George."

"Beep beep, I'm going again."

"Should we have a crash."

"Are you suggesting I'm not a careful driver."

"No George."

"Well watch it, beep beep."

"I can see you George. I can."

"He he. I can you too, Shirl."

"We've wasted so much time, George, haven't we."

"Don't drive your car too close."

"I want you to crash into me."

"Safety first."

"George."

"What are these Shirl."

"Feel them."

"Wow."

"Feel this."

"What is this Shirl."

"This is what I want you to feel."

"I'd be a fool to feel it."

"Be a fool and feel it."

"What a foolish feeling."

"Just because you're feeling foolish."

Reach out a hand to help. It's only polite. And she puts up her wrist and a hand softer than I ever thought it could be. This holiday in the country in the red underwear. O I raged. Of course I was insulted. How did she get over to the bed, in just the gold slippers. Climb right up on top and sit on it like a flagpole. I was thinking of just going into the village to buy a soda. Miss Tomson please don't go loose and lax at the holiday house party, all yule and yessy. Or engage with the empty balled vice presidents. What right have I to persist, I daren't even call you Sally in my dreams. Just press my face into Shirl's headlamp. Most comforting thing you can do. I hate cars. But amazing the lies you get up to in order to bring upon complete delusion. She's just come here like this to use me. Not for my personality but my organ.

"You like it, George."

What can you say to that. No. I don't like it. I suppose I could have a machine under the bed answering back in firm tones, yet giving way slightly to the emotional excitement of the time. Gee, Shirl And Miss Tomson you touched my knee however briefly or lighdy you touched it. I'm glad you didn't lean forward and grab. It was a movement of the arm. That light tap on the knee. Wanted so much to see your face and your wave goodbye. I was too full of seeing myself watched by the whole train as passengers wiped the sweat from the windows, all faces pressed on glass and they all began to sing together, up out of their seats, train's leaving, rush to the end of the car and all wave, can't see the faces for the hands, or Miss Tomson's because they're all so sad I'm gone, in there struggling to say goodbye to me. The train just clicked down the track away. And I was left.

"George I like my bread and butter."

Only that it's dark someone would be watching us from a far hillside with field glasses. I can't match Shirl's lightning conversation. Am I her bread and butter. Does she spread me. Like now. This could not have happened with the lights on when we would have behaved like adults. She's stitchless save slippers just like her bravado in early marriage when I told her I would never have her scramble my eggs without her clothes on. No nude cooking. Garments must be worn in the kitchen. When we early loved she said she liked to hold it, talk to it, tell it stories as it stood and rub it softly on her eyes, good for the sight. Now grabs my belly in handfuls. Just to bring out my inferiority. For her age not bad, still built. Women flower annually and maybe I'm catching her in bud or she's in bud and I'm her bee. And if I gave orders for the parade. Shirl shows up with cigarette holder. Of course the first four will carry drums. Naturally, why wouldn't they carry drums. It is agreed among us that the rear shall be brought up by a steam organ. A musical one.

"Fat belly George, what are you mumbling."

She butts in just as I was going to give the signal for the parade. Let us again recast the scene. Four drummers first. The balloon carriers each with a hand on the hot steam organ will naturally bring up the rear. Shirl, will you get back, out of the way, I happen to be the director of this parade. Yeah, I'm the director. Not be intimidated by your breasts which drove me into wedlock, sagged and stared at me ever since. I had the steam organ specially brought from a country where it was the last one. You've always wanted to steal the stage from me. Until naturally I got up this here parade to bring back my self respect. Now get back in line with the rest. You heard me. Get back. Now I want four people to come forward and volunteer to carry the community chest. In which of course is the brass pig. All employees of George Smith please step forward and take your places in the central position. Gosh, only Miss Martin. Get back Shirl. You just spend my money, you don't help me make it. Put away that cigarette holder and wipe that smile off your face. O.K. all of you to whom I have given scrolls of merit, hold them up. Gee, I hope you deserve them*

"George don't slip out it's a year since you were in."

I'm just ready to give the signal to march but I can't with these constant interruptions. The steam organ is losing valuable steam. Almost forgot the friends I had in childhood. Slip them between people who live in Merry Mansions who have just rushed out because the Gold-miners set it on fire. Members of The Game Club take up the rear, each carrying an acorn as an item reminding us that any one of us can get bigger than we appear on the surface. Shirl get back in line. Nobody wants to keep in line these days. All out for special attention. Do it once more Shirl and you're out of the parade for good. And cut out the immoral gestures, no one's stopping this parade for turpitude. My God, Miss Tomson. Just going to start without you. You could lead it. I've just jumped out of an alley and wrote your name with a bucket of paint over a giant wall. Didn't have the crass to put Sally. People said it was physically impossible to do it while being director of the parade but I did it. Till those dirty little urchins came along and ruined my heartfelt statement with another one. O.K. ready everybody. My goodness, just looked down in time, my fly's open. An order under these circumstances would sound ridiculous. If not downright impertinent. Hold it, folks. Must tidy myself up a bit Get back in there and don't come out again till I tell you. Naughty. All right now. Ready.