J. Donleavy - The Beastly Beatitudes of Balthazar B

"Good grief, it's you Mr. B. I'm afraid I thought it some kind of joke."

"I do apologise sir, I'm most awfully sorry. I haven't said a word. I've just been too terrified and thought it best to pretend I did not speak English."

"Ah glory be to God will you listen to your man, as fluent as you please. Hasn't he heard everything we've been talking of all the way from Donnybrook. Couldn't he be charged with wandering abroad without due care and attention to a language. Ah I don't like that at all. Sure if he knew the lingo he could have told us he was keeping mum."

"All right officer. Mr. B say nothing now. I'll deal with matters. What is the charge."

"Rape."

"Good Lord. Where. Whom. How."

"Ah it was a stout lady in Donnybrook. As to how. I would be the first to say it was a mystery."

"Very serious. Of course penetration will have to be proved. And corroboration. We'll have to serve writs for slander this instant. False arrest. Mandamus. Of course Mr. B there's nothing to this charge. Answer yes or no will do."

"Sir I got lost and was merely hiding in the bushes when I accidently found myself in someone's garden having knocked over a ladder."

"Simple innocent trespass. We'll serve writs. Do that straight off. Can't have a Trinity student accused of rape. Simply will not do. We will fight this to the last drop of ink. I'm sure this whole matter is strewn with irregularities. O I think there's much improper conduct. Habeas corpus. We'll have this res judicata in a hurry. And substantial damages. O yes I think they will be very substantial."

"Ah sir, now not so fast. Sure it's been a friendly matter all the way. Your woman is a wild heretic. She walloped her own husband insensible."

"Wild eh. O we can commit her along the way then. We'll commit her right off. Can't have people running around slandering and damaging. Mr. B here is from a fine family. Obviously this heretic's property was not properly fenced causing Mr. B here to wander without warning off the public highway to founder in dangerous gardens in fear of his life. And then to place Mr. B in false arrest. Simply preposterous, unethical and inhuman gentlemen.'

"Ah now sir, we've not arrested the gentleman. Merely gave him a ride to town."

"That's true sir, they've been most kindly to me and treated me awfully well, in fact they saved my life."

"It's a fact sir. Not a hand of apprehension was laid upon him."

"Leave this to me Mr. B please. We must protect your interests in every wise. But if you've been treated well then we will see to it that recommendations go out for the deserving. No fear about that. Now Mr. B I think the college baths for you. Then come directly to my rooms. And we'll give you a good breakfast. For the moment here, you must have some of this."

Professor Elegant unscrewing the top of his cane and pouring a silver cup of liquid.

"Put that in you Mr. B. You'll feel much better. Anyone else need a little back stiffener."

"Ah it would be very welcome sir, but we're on duty."

"Another time then."

"Thank you sir."

"The charges then sergeant. There are none."

"None sir."

"I take it then that the matter is closed."

"Like a book sir, not a breath of air between the pages it's slammed so tightly shut. The gentleman is as free as the breeze."

"And I hope not blown constantly."

"What was that sir, I didn't catch that."

"Just a little prayer."

"Ah so."

"Come along Mr. B. This way. Get you bathed and back to normal. In quick order. You did well to keep silent. One must never admit to anything you know. Never never. Then you go in clanging with your own writs, cross complaints, reserve actions, mandamuses, the lot. Set up one awful stink. Amazing what one very loud shout in the beginning can save one in the end."

"I'm most awfully grateful to you sir. For coming to my aid in this manner."

"Nothing Mr. B, nothing. On the contrary rather enjoyed it. You come to me any time. Anything you need. That's what Fm for you know. I had been expecting you to call on me. Give you an hour. See you for breakfast. You know where I am.'

On the black and white tiles of the bath house. Beyond the dark panelled wall the attendant drew the emergency bath of steaming waters. Into which under the skylight Balthazar slipped. Down into the welcome warmth. To close one's eyes. Out of harm's way. To turn the big brass taps and out comes hot. To gather up fortitude. Conquer irregularity, chills and ills. Uncle Edouard said for the best results plunge the cure up the rear so as not to ruin the stomach with the pills. Ah Balthazar you were born a nice fat little fellow, I saw you not long after your birth, the nurse, she had you by your legs and she held you up to stand you on your head as you went waaaaaa waa and she pulled back the foreskin, ah you had a big prick for such a little boy. Your mother would not circumcise you. It was sad for hygiene but good for the frisson. She fought bitterly with your father for your foreskin. Under which you should wash well my boy. The prick is the palate of the soul.

Balthazar B lathered himself with a cake of oatmeal soap. A red colour coming back into cheeks. Stare up at this roof. The university silence. When one could now go to sleep. Saved soothed and salvaged. Rest quietly till I see Miss Fitzdare again. Take her up away on the windy heather. Wednesday. Larks fluttering in lighted skies. To want so much to press me deep upon her dark blossom. And blue down there. Is it Miss Fitzdare. As all the wet grass was green. As I lay. Nearly nibbled by a cow. Could have been some fresh breakfast milk. I dreamt we walked through flower gardens, breathing scented air. Down a long aisle of roses and forget me nots, an altar. High and thronged with lilies of the valley. I put my hand in yours. Cannons boomed salute. Flashes of fire, puffs of smoke. And not far away another vision. Continentals in grey thick overcoats clutched each other, holding tight. And I said as the minister pronounced us wed. I said what are you chaps doing. And I shuddered and shivered on that Donnybrook field. They said we are transplanting souls.

Balthazar B stepping from the bath house. Like a private little bank. Deposit your dirt. Emporium of waters. Each bather with his own little vault. The roadway gleaming wet. Past the grey stone. Of this shadowy square they call Botany Bay. Out now to the open spreading elegance. A little tree grows near the doorway of the Modern Language Building. Where one supposes the linguistic garda rush in and out. Mastering tongues. To tempt confessions from foreigners. I go up my steps again. Name still on the wall.

Balthazar pushing through his door. The clanking loose floorboards. To think in horror you'll find the whole world changed. The choking dust. The world's still the same. Horace sticking his head round from the sitting room, battered trilby hat jauntily forward on his head.

"It's only me Horace."

"Ah I wondered sir."

"I'm having breakfast out."

"Very good sir. I'll just get along here now with me cleaning. It's shocking weather."

"Yes. I'm just coming in to change."

"Ah no trouble. I'll be out of your way. Sir I can't help noticing have you been caught out in the weather."

"Just a late night stroll. Ran into some rough country, heh heh."

"Ah you need boots for that sort of thing. A good heavy mac is handy."

"Yes."

"Are you fond of the countryside sir."

"Quite fond."

"Sure meself I'd thought of doing a bit of the farming in me younger days. Me brother has a little farm in Monaghan. But I couldn't stick the country. The moaning sheep and goats were enough for me. Sure it's better to have four pint bottles of milk standing at your door of a morning than having to go through cold and wet to callus your fingers getting it out of an udder."