J. Donleavy - The Beastly Beatitudes of Balthazar B

"I was fast asleep with my husband Jimmy snoring up there in the pink bedroom. I heard something fall. It was the ladder there. Then came a rip at the side of the house. Which I now see to be my washing line."

''Sean make a note of exhibit A and B. Go on madam."

"I gave Jimmy an elbow in the ribs I was so terrified and said there is a Mohammedan in the garden."

"Ah now madam wait one minute please, you had not yet looked out the window. How did you know it was a Mohammedan."

"Didn't I read in the Irish Times that they are streaming over the earth in their hordes."

"Good enough reasoning, madam. Get that Sean, the victim was fully awake to the threat from the East. And what did your husband do."

"He groaned."

"Did he make for the window at a later stage after groaning."

"He did not. He turned over and began snoring again and I was abandoned to the hands of the rapist you see before you. I knew he was foreign. No Irish man would lay hands to a woman and take a liberty."

"Ah now madam we must confine ourselves to the facts.

Was there any gesticulation of a moral nature or interference with your person now. I must ask these questions in the line of duty."

"Didn't I feel the scoundrel's hands around my throat making unwanted heavy breathing advances.' "Get that down Sean. Accused between the times of knocking the ladder over and pulling the clothesline off the side of the house with attendant plaster made a savage advance with menacing interference upon the victim's person. Now madam. What was the manner of the interference. Asked in the line of duty."

"Never you mind what manner. It was heinous. Isn't that manner enough."

"Sean's put down manner was heinous in nature. And madam I remind you once again I'm only doing me duty here seeking the facts."

"Well you'll get none of that kind of facts from me, I'm a respectably married woman and my husband is a business executive of twenty years duration."

"It was pure and simple rape then."

"Haven't I been telling you it was rape for the last half hour."

"Did the accused leave mud from his boots in the house."

"What do you mean. Are you not trusting me in my testimony. I'll have you degraded in rank. I have a brother a Jesuit and two more are Christian Brothers."

"I am a Knight of Columbus madam. But all the same isn't one Jesuit worth two of the Christian Brothers so you might as well say you have four brothers all Christian Brothers."

"This is not a joke."

"To be sure madam. Milo throw a cover over the accused, sure the poor man is shivering badly now."

"Shivering is good enough for him. Here I am nearly without a stitch on me. Hang him."

"Now be quiet madam, if you please. Rape is one thing.

But inhumanity to man is another. Where did the interference with the person of madam occur and were there attendant obscene grunts or gestures madam, having in mind of course that if the accused voiced an obscenity in an unknown tongue it might not give you immediate offence until it was later translated, am I right, Milo on that point of law if you please.'

"Right captain."

"You are making a mockery of the victim of rape you eegit. Sure that needs no translation.' "I am not, madam, making a mockery, what would I want to make a mockery for this time of the morning with it getting on for dawn and God fearing people asleep in their beds. And if you leave us to the legal points, sure you can supply the facts madam. It's as clear as the day I was born that the accused will plead nolo contendere. Am I right on that Milo if you please."

"Right captain."

"Thank you Milo. Now to what height of indecency did the interference with you madam extend."

"You filthy minded cur. I could slap your face. Height is it. Up me you're insinuating is it. I'll have you reported to the superintendent."

"I resent that madam. And don't you raise your hand to me. You report what you like to whom you like but I'm only doing my duty. Sure your man here on the lawn could be innocent. And you are not forthcoming with the facts. Close the notebook Sean. The time is now five thirteen to the minute."

"I am behooved."

"You may be behooved madam, I wouldn't know what you were meaning."

"I am behooved. The Bishop will hear of this. The lot of you will get your come uppance. Remove yourselves. Go on. Take that rapist with you. Get your big hooves out of my lawn."

"Ah Milo would you say now we were only behooving."

"Insults is it. The Bishop will fix your waggon. Jimmy, come down here. Bring the gun."

"Ah now none of that madam. Being behooved is one thing. But being violent is another. Are you pressing charges concerning the alleged interference with your person."

"I'll get the likes of you fixed fast. Just wait.'

Sucking in her breath. Turning her stout build in its own tracks madam of the rape ran back into the house. The sound of her feet pounding up the stairs. Her voice coming out the open window from the lighted bedroom. Her shadow on the ceiling. Down in the damp dark silent greenness the accused mute and numb. The three waiting Garda Schicona staring at the stucco suburban house.

"Ah Jimmy, Jimmy me dear what did I do to you at all. Speak to me. Speak. O Lord God what have I done at all. Saints I have him kilt. O God what is he doing dying and he's not due for pension yet."

"I don't like the sound of that one bit Milo. I'd better get up there and investigate. Sure this is beginning to sound more like a war than a Mohammedan loose in Donnybrook. Take the accused and wait for me in the car. Don't panic. If not back in two minutes come in after me.' Balthazar B marched between the two garda. They fell into step one in front and one behind. Left right, left right over the gravel. Milo first opening the door, giving a salute and bow as Balthazar crouched into the small black vehicle. A rug pulled up over his knees. Milo taking out a packet of Woodbines and putting them to Balthazar. Refuse the nearest.

"Ah now Sean what do you make of this at all. Sure your woman has done something to your man up there in the bedroom. By the sound of it a blow upon some part of the higher learning delivered with the maximum from behind while the innocent gent was dancing in his sleep with a Hollywood movie star."

"Ah I wouldn't want to be on the wrong side of that one meself."

"What do you make of your mute man here Sean. He seems decent enough when you get a good look at him in the light. I mean you'd have to put him down as a member of the gentleman classes dressed as he is. Sure that woman's out of her mind, how would this slender dignified gent here rape the likes of her. He'd have more chance strangling the Loch Ness monster. He may be lost on the highway or something. Isn't the Ailesbury road full of embassies with foreign gentlemen dining there of an evening. I think your woman is out of the asylum over beyond if you want my shilling of information."

"Ah you may be right Milo. You may be right. She'll be giving Seamus the swipe of her tongue in any event. And that tongue of hers is the size of an ironing board. O Jesus what's that."

"It's Seamus, the poor man is running for his life, with that one after him. Ah God hasn't she got a hurling stick aimed at your man's head. This is an awful night for the Garda Schicona I'm telling you. Jump to now helmets on and give your man some aid."

"What about the prisoner."

"He's content enough. Sure he's safer in here than outside be the look of things."

Milo and Sean jumping from the car. Seamus running from the building. Out of a cloud of pillow feathers the lady of Donnybrook environs emerged swinging a long stick round her head. Seamus ducked and side stepped. Madam's kimono flying open. Heaving rolls of breasts and bellies.

"Men make back for the car your woman's the maddest thing on three wheels. She has the husband nearly kilt. Quick now."