J. Donleavy - The Beastly Beatitudes of Balthazar B

"Can you see anything Milo."

"Nothing suspicious.'

"Ah it's what I thought, what would a good Mohammedan be wanting wandering nowhere on a soft night such as this. Give the Mrs. a knock. And well put her mind at rest. It's a nice place they've got here."

The front door opening. Gentlemen of the Garda Schicona standing on the gravel. Helmets held in the crooks of their arms.

"Nothing so far madam, where last did you see the culprit complained of, described as Mohammedan."

"He was right over there with this long thing hanging from him."

"I must caution you now madam, we're three members of the Legion of Mary present here. Let that be understood. And I have to tell you to be careful in talk like that."

"Sure I'll have you know then that I'm a member of the Royal Dublin Society. Roses have been named after me. Only last year I exhibited myself."

"Ah now, madam, none of that. I must caution you again."

"You oaf."

"Now now. That's a matter neither here nor there. It's decency first. I'm ready to take down particulars."

"And let the scurrilous intruder escape."

"Now if your man, madam, was as desperate as you say, he'd be as far now as the Kilcool, in the County Wicklow.

After waving goodbye to the protestants in Greystones."

"Eegit, eegit."

"Calm yourself madam, and be a decent lady."

"Didn't I see him five minutes ago."

"Describe his dress and distinguishing features."

"How many times do I have to tell you he was a Mohammedan." "Ah well well have no trouble then, catching the likes of him, but sure madam he's as likely to be a prince travelling with, forgive the expression, his harem. There's one of them lives in the Rathgar. But from what we know of him he's a jolly gentleman. And it's the women we've got to protect him from. They're banging on his door, poor man, all times of the day and night. The gentleman can't get a moment's rest. I'm sure he thinks we're not civilized."

"How dare you, when Ireland preserved culture through the dark ages of mankind."

"Ah now madam what's a few old trinkets and pages of a book compared to the refrigerators some of these gentlemen have in their very cars."

"I'm going to faint."

"Boys catch her now. I've got holt of her. She's no lightweight, I'm telling you, any Mohammedan gentleman would have his hands full with the likes of her. In the door now.

She'll come round. Milo you make a search there through the shrubbery for footprints."

Flash of garda torches approaching across the lawn shooting between the branches and leaves of rhododendrons. Balthazar crouching low. A weary wave of sleeping chill across my head. How did I ever wake up into this. Out of dreams of a white bull goring a man in a brown suit. And of Uncle Edouard who stood in a pulpit preaching. About the routes to follow through life. Lighthearted on the boulevard, gay in the cafe, a good shot at the shoot. A flower delivered each morning to the door for the buttonhole. Put a smile on the face. Keep the collar worn loose at the throat. Be skittish laughing and droll. Wear the garter always for the sock. And Balthazar my dear little one. As the prickly problems of life assail, or get dumped on you all at once, then. Ah. Take the walking stick, put back the shoulders, chest out, emerge into the world, stare up at the sky, watch where you're walking and show them what you are made of. Move the bowel in the morning like the roar of a lion. Hum a lullaby while you pee. That is my dear boy, joy. Soar up in the heavens in the balloon. When you come down again and you find that your mistress has had a little on the side. Give her a small slap and say do not again be naughty. You hope that it was not with a rogue or swindler. That it was a gentleman of stature. Who knows his wine. And would always know his women. If he is black so much the better, and you then become completely white. For a change of pace. And last of all, let me say my dear boy. A little something about baldness. If you want to wear the toupee, which I do not suggest, always carry two. One for the white wine and one for the red. And when you drink the brandy you must of course be completely bald. And ah. For the great frisson. To press the top of the head against the breasts. It is perhaps one of the noblest of man's pleasures. The brain feels the breast right through the follicles. Undisturbed by the useless hair. You are not perhaps bald yet but there is hope. And then. You spin like a top upon madam's precious matters. After which death has no fear.

"Ah come out of there with your hands up. I've got him. Fve got him. There he is. Up now. We've got the black Mohammedan for sure. Come out of there youse. Attempting rape on a good catholic woman and running around your own country without so much as a farthing piece shielding you from shame."

Balthazar rising to his knees. The drops of moisture falling from the leaves. Stumbling forward into the torch light. Eyes blinking.

"Ah. Sure your man is dressed like a gentleman. He's the whitest thing I ever saw. Ah now wait a moment now. He's got ladies undergarments dragging after him. That's lawlessness enough for me I can tell you."

"Milo don't let that fool you. Mind now. We have caught a dangerous desperado here. Easy boys."

"Look of the way he's bending over double to avoid presenting too large a target, sure he's learned that trying to escape from the Federal Bureau of Investigation in America. Get the handcuffs now will you Sean from the car. He's no local criminal. I know the stance when I see it I'm telling you."

"Enough of your Yank folklore Milo. I'm in command of this arrest and will give the orders. Sean get the handcuffs from the car and me note book. Youse now. Let me caution you before you speak that what I think and see here will be used against you."

'That's not correct Seamus."

"Never you mind what's correct. Your man is a jewel thief, sure he's a jewel thief. And that's that."

"Sean write down jewel thief."

The madam of the house stepping forth on the gravel in a long green kimono. Hair pinched close to her head in curlers.

Arms crossed over her huge breasts. Woolly red slippers on her feet. The garda stepping back and Seamus nodding.

"Is this your man madam, would you now positively identify him beyond any shadow of doubt as the Mohammedan."

"Didn't I tell you. The spitting image. Do you believe me now the rapist was loose."

"It appears to be established fact, madam."

"Fact is it, heinous rape that's what it is."

"Did you get that down Sean. And now you, speak up, what have you got to say. Get it down Sean, the rapist remains silent in face of the questions put to him by his interrogators. It is now five five A.M. in the vicinity of Herbert Park.

The culprit although shivering appears not to speak. At approximately five A.M. we surrounded the accused, closed with him at five one A.M., the culprit was outmanoeuvred and after a brief struggle was overpowered and apprehended at approximately five three A.M. The clothes accused is wearing give the appearance of expensive quality and high class tailoring but it is evident that he has been sleeping rough recently. Search him Milo."

"He raped me. That's him. Hanging is too good."

"Will you be quiet madam. We have that fact down already. He'll be charged accordingly and hanged later."

Balthazar B trousers with muddy patches in the torchlight.

The pin stripe in my suit has gone wavy. My scarf lost. Best to utter nothing in these circumstances. One could never explain lurking in the rhododendrons. Give a mute grunt in my defence.

"What's that you're saying. Get that down Milo, accused makes a high pitched noise following questioning. But due to the unidentified nature of the sound, we must surmise its meaning. I think the culprit means Milo he's guilty as charged. He would be off a ship maybe. Youse. You speakum English. Ah just as well he doesn't or he'd be incriminating himself every word out of his mouth. Caught as he is dead to rights. Hold him Milo while I get madam's statement in her own words. Are you right Sean. Now madam what are the facts."