J. Donleavy - The Beastly Beatitudes of Balthazar B

"Pray sir, forgive me."

"Forgive you."

"Sir, and allow me another chance."

"You have the barbaric effrontery to stand there and beg for mercy."

"Sir. Thou hast given me the defences of thy salvation, thy right hand also shall hold me up, and thy loving correction shall make me great. Psalm Eighteen sir."

"I damn well know what psalm. And they shall cry, but there shall be none to help them, yea even unto the Lord shall they cry, but he shall not hear them. Also Psalm Eighteen."

"By every indication sir, I am therefore completely buggered." "I should not use that word if I were you."

"May I interrupt Mr. Slouch and say something."

"Do by all means."

"Beefy. Please remember, although you are sent down from this school, I am sure headmaster will give you the benefit of certain discretions which will not unduly reflect upon your future and you can make a fresh start."

"But sir if I'm flung out, my trustees will blow a gasket."

"You are not yet nine, your trustees surely will consider your age.'

"Sir I am nine years, eight months, two weeks, one day, four hours and twenty two minutes."

Slouch tapping his pencil on his paper. The sun a great ball of red sinking and lighting up the edge of clouds in pink. All the lonely corridors, the bleak classrooms, the morning and evening dormitories now threatened to be taken away can suddenly become like home.

"One would think, sixty four, you were twelve to listen to you. I wonder do you know that your redeemer liveth."

"Yes sir, I know that my redeemer liveth. I know it."

"And you fifty seven."

"Sir I think that he may too, liveth. My ancestor was the author of the catechism, the Christian doctrine by way of question and answer drawn chiefly from the express word of God and other pure sources."

"Good Lord, one constant stream of surprises."

Slouch raising eyebrows high and Crunch reaching into his pocket to withdraw a small rosewood silver embellished casket. Opening it with a click. Pinching out snuff and putting it up into each nostril. Sniffing and fanning his gold silk hanky beneath his nose. The sun blotted away and the sky darker, tumbling great grey clouds over the deep thickening blue. A bell clanging. And another gently off in the distance from the village church. How so much fear treads where all for miles is moist grass meadows, river and woods.

"Well Mr. Slouch, perhaps, if there's nothing further. I have a bell ringing engagement at village church, and some essays to correct before dinner."

"Yes. Well I think we've concluded this matter. By the way you have traipsed mud in upon headmaster's carpet. Now both of you get out. And after prayers, sixty four, you know where to be."

"Before I leave sir, I ask you give back my diary."

"It's evidence."

"It's mine sir. And you must give it back to me."

"O we will be keeping this little document. As an example to other boys who may be like minded. And after your trustees have given it sufficient and adequate perusal."

"You can't keep it, it's mine sir.' "I most certainly can keep it. School property."

"I bought it with my own pocket money. You cannot keep it."

"Don't you raise your voice to me."

"It is my copyright property sir."

"O we are a clever little boy aren't we."

"Common law sir. My trustees will sue you, sir."

"More threats eh. More uncalled for cleverness. We've come upon a very large cuckoo as is sometimes hatched in a poor little torn tit's nest. I'm so glad to have Mr. Crunch here to witness your display of legal knowledge, I'm sure no one would believe it. I think perhaps I'd better ring for Mr. Newt the school secretary. Get this all down on paper."

"You are afraid of me sir."

"How dare you assume that. Certainly not."

"Respectfully sir, it would be as well if you were. Because previously you have had me dead to rights. But upon my word sir I will tell my trustees to sue you to return my diary. And they are, two of them, solicitors."

"Mr. Crunch, go immediately and fetch Mr. Newt please."

"Mr. Slouch surely we're letting this matter get out of hand. Can't we take a sporting view. I think as a matter of fact that Beefy indeed is within his rights to demand the return of his diary. It is a personal document."

"And I am sadly apt to feel the ruddy little book is unlawful." "No Mr. Slouch."

"What. Gross indecency with others is not unlawful. Come come."

"I think that is a bit extreme of you Mr. Slouch, his diary does not say others."

"I'm sure there've been others. Frivolities, invitations to bed with bigger boys. Things I hardly yet dare speak of. Unnecessary handling about each other in the rugger scrum. And in the baths."

"Mr. Slouch I can't feel we should pursue this melancholy line. There is no one in this school who takes a poorer view of smutty talk and behaviour than I do. And indeed I have campaigned vigorously to wipe out any evidence of it. But it is a question of the boy's property. I mean we must not get into a lather of hysterics here."

"I'm in no lather I assure you Mr. Crunch. I also happen to be deputy headmaster."

"O dear no one is usurping your authority Mr. Slouch."

"I should hope not."

"But if you shoot off a chap's kneecaps I hardly think there is point in putting bullets in his liver."

"What on earth do you mean Mr. Crunch."

"I think you're being unnecessarily harsh. And somewhat unfair. Indeed they were my lamb chops and had Beefy asked I would have given them to him with the greatest of pleasure.

The boy's been punished quite sufficiently. And damn it, if you want the truth I think you're being a bully."

"That's quite enough from you Mr. Crunch."

"And I may add a blackmailer. By threatening to keep this boy's diary."

"Do I hear you correctly Mr. Crunch."

"You most certainly do, Mr. Slouch. This boy Beefy here, and I don't know the other boy sufficiently well, but Beefy is one of the most brilliant boys ever to set foot in this school. Indeed I should not be at all surprised if one day this school were remembered only for the fact that he was briefly here."

"Good Lord I won't believe my ears."

"Well you'd better believe this then. Unless the boy's diary is returned to him prior to his leaving this school, I personally will get in touch with his trustees. Good day."

This tall thin elegant man. His sad face hardened with knotted muscles across his cheeks. Standing glaring at Slouch. And reaching to grasp up the great thick red volume of Debrett and banging it closed between his hands. With a sudden gigantic heave sending the noble tome crashing across the room against the shelves. The oar above clattering down. Slouch raising his arms to shield his face from the descending trophies. And one last, an ancient cricket bat, hanging askew by a shredded crimson thread, fell at the slam of the door.

Beefy with a pump of elbow into Balthazar's ribs. Brief grins and eyebrow twitching on the faces of the wide eyed little boys. Slouch slowly stands. Smiles fade. And Beefy, his mouth open drawing in his breath and raising a hand slowly to point at Mr. Slouch as he leans forward on arms pressed astride on the desk.

"Sir. Your flies are open."

Slouch with a shiver straightening

Slouch with a shiver straightening up. Quick nervous fingers tugging and pulling and buttoning. A red rage steaming at his temples. Beefy clutching Balthazar by the hand. Retreating backward towards the door. As the words come hissing out of Slouch's teeth.

"You two get out of here before I kill you."

Balthazar turned the crystal handled knob and pulled open the heavy door. Beefy glancing behind and pushing Balthazar forward. The door slamming. And they ran pounding down the wax gleaming hall.

It is