J. Donleavy - The Beastly Beatitudes of Balthazar B

With all my dearest love always.

Nannie

The blue paper stretched between his fingers. And her large curled writing that leaned forward so that it might fall. As a drop went plop and another drop went plop and the ink lines went furry under the tears. Nannie's cool hand on warm nights on the English Channel shore where there were the shooting stars. And she said that when you die some people say you go down in the ground and others say you go up into the dark and blue. And if they do, go up into the dark and blue, that's why there is so much shoving and pushing between the stars.

In the assembly room, the squealing of shifting chairs and gabbing voices that raised the roof. Seated along a side row the masters, each looking out in directions of their own worlds. And suddenly the assembly called to stand. At the entrance of Mr. Slouch. As a whisper went through the boys.

"I am today, sadly, boys, deputising for the headmaster.

Who sadly, has been called back again to Swindon, where I much regret to say, his father has now died. Let us all join here together now and say a short prayer. O Lord, we beseech thee mercifully to receive the prayers of thy people which call upon thee, and grant that they may both perceive and know what things they ought to do, and also may have grace and power faithfully to fulfill the same, through Jesus Christ our Lord Amen.'

Slouch slowly rising on his toes and rocking back carefully on his heels. As he now bends forward casting a glance down his person, across his flies to his shoes and up again to the treacherous little lake of faces. His left hand rose to touch the red carnation in the buttonhole of his dark grey suit.

"Your royal highnesses, my lords, commoners, and other boys from other lands. You all know the holy season approaches. Good will towards men. And in view of the perils our Monarch and our country face, on land, on sea, and in the market place, that sentiment is not lightly spoken. Our colonies, upon which the sun never sets. India, Africa, not to mention Hong Kong, Suez, Mauritius, Tonga. To these places, one day, some of you here may go to rule in the interests of our Majesty's government. We must, therefore, send you forth with strong bodies, agile spirits, and not least of all, fair minds. Let us be quite clear on that score. Never, in this day and age, has fair mindedness been needed so much by so many. Often it is too easy to grab the quick profit and shun the long term prize. When the indecent thing to do seems the most attractive. I mean, it should never be done, the indecent thing. Now then to those of you who may be called to govern your country upon the death of a father or uncle. Let your decisions be guided by canons and codes you have found here at your school. In short, play the game. And let those among you, by whom this concept may be thought old fashioned, take heed. Those before us a hundred years did not think so, and those after us a hundred years, will not think so. That concept is as modern as it is ancient. Take fair play then firmly in your grasp. Hold it tightly. Let no foreign land, person, shake it from you. No jungle, no glacier, or desert weaken your resolve or fibre. And against all, especially the whisper that England is in a sorry mess, we declare aloud, England shall triumph, England shall overcome, England shall win."

A ripple of hear hear down the row of masters. Who briefly looked down at their knees and back up again with chins raised. A dapple of bright sun spreading across the wall. An impatient shuffle of feet and coughs and nose blowing in the audience of little boys.

"And now to those of you who leave us this term, to take the next step on the pathway to honours, we wish you God's speed. And lastly, a sad note. I should like to make quite clear, and say once again, that our efforts shall be unrelenting to stamp out practices in this school which are steeped in smut and defilement. There has been he among you found, corrupt and dissolute and who would spread a plague of vileness. We all know who he was who swam in the odious depth of putrescence. But I would not end on that unfortunate note. Our school has been cleansed of that lamentable catalogue of infamy. And so I now say with loud voice. When the wicked man turneth away from his wickedness that he hath committed, and doeth that which is lawful and right, he shall save his soul alive. Amen. Do not eat too much Christmas pudding boys. Now rise. Dismissed.'

The long stream of cars next day made their slow descent to turn and park and wait on the wide gravel apron. As the heads peered out the windows, said goodbye to other heads and stepped forth with their little bags sometimes to kisses, others to bows and some to nothing at all.

Balthazar waiting searching among the opening and closing doors of automobiles. From a small blue motor, the village taxi, stepped a tall woman in a grey long flowing coat. And long soft light brown hair. She looked across the windows. She waited and Balthazar watched. And next him he felt the large arm of Masterdon.

"Fifty seven, do you see that long car which has just stopped. Watch. The gentlemen getting out are Beefy's trustees. Come to sue the school for a packet."

"How do you know."

"I heard Slouch say they were on their way. He was in a most awful tizzy outside the assembly room, rubbing his hands, he was saying what shall I do, the headmaster is away. I say, who's fetching you.'

A shout up the stairs. For number fifty seven. Crunch smiling at the door towards this tall woman.

"Ah here you are fifty seven. Here he is. Not the worse for wear, it would seem. You managed through. Got your case, everything with you. Have a good holiday. Be off with you now.'

The tall woman smiled and asked may I carry something.

And Balthazar said no politely and lugged his two cases to the little blue car. Turning to watch the two stout, puffing and wheezing gentlemen. One in a black bowler and ecclesiastic gaiters, the other in grey homburg, black overcoat and striped trousers. Both white haired, wing collared and each with a cane. The blue little car was pumped with a handle, started, and moved slowly by the three figures meeting on the school steps. Slouch spinning his fingers round each other over his waistcoat buttons. The ecclesiastic gaitered gentleman raising his red tasselled cane in the air and barking out a deep throbbing voice.

"Sir you are an uncommonly mournful man and I would take my stick to you were it not an offence.'

The taxi man wore a black cap which he touched to all questions asked by Miss Hortense. As they drove through the afternoon towards Dover Marine. Between the still milky green wintering fields. Through shadowy woods. And past a great marvellous windmill turning its slow slatted sails over the rooftops of a little town. The taxi man said aye Miss there is much hop picking during the summer, and there be gypsies everywhere.

Past the village greens, churches and clock towers. And cottages, some white, some thatched and all as cozy as Mrs. Twinkle's. To take afternoon tea in a hamlet on the flat lands of Romney Marsh. And that night to supper at an inn. Pigeon pie and sprouts and wondrous trifle. Nannie smiled and said do have some more. And we shook hands goodnight at my bedroom door. To climb snug between cool gleaming clean sheets and to warm toes against a clay hot water bottle and make as Beefy said, little botty booms and pull gently on my penis till sleep.

Morning came bright, early and fresh. Horses and carts clip clopping below in the street. A taste of salt on the chill air.

Waves on a grey pebbly shore. The harbour alive with masts.

Fishing boats, a sail up, moving out between the breakwaters towards France and a rising sun.

New nannie at breakfast wore a short sleeved frilly lacy shirt tucked in tightly at the top of her grey long skirt. A gent across the room over his kippers waved and grinned. Beefy said the big white things on the chest were called breasts and they had ends on them called nipples, because his granny had a maid who sometimes in the hot summer attic let him play with hers. This new nannie had very large ones that pressed out tight against her shirt. And gentlemen seemed everywhere rushing round her in a crazy manner.