J. Donleavy - The Beastly Beatitudes of Balthazar B

"I guess up to our necks in injustice sir."

"Yes, well that's one way of putting it. Let's get on. Your granny, sixty four, is she your father's mother."

"No sir, she is the mother of my mother."

"In short then, your father's mother in law."

"Yes sir and she was most cruel to him sir."

"That may be. Our concern now is that your grandmother will be taking up this matter."

"No sir. She will not. As she has little to do with me. She lives very north in Scotland where the Romans never conquered. My trustees will. They are in London. And they will be alarmed sir.'

"And so they should be. And pray what are they trustees for."

"My mother's father sir built ships. And his ancestors before him. They built many of the ships sir, which defeated the Spanish Armada. "

"To be sure. I think we may be getting slightly off the point here.'

"No we're not sir."

"What do you mean."

"I mean sir, my trustees who administrate my fortune were going to leave a packet to the school."

"What. Mr. Crunch, what do you know about this."

"I'm afraid not very much Mr. Slouch. I do know of sixty four's trustees however. Two of them visited the school a year ago."

"They were sir to hold the sum in escrow pending my passing out successfully from the school."

"Escrow, escrow. Do you even know what the word means."

"It's from the old French sir, escroe. A bond or roll of writings."

Balthazar with half lifted right hand moistening his lips and leaning into the hollow late sunlight.

"That is true."

"You keep quiet fifty seven. One of you talking is quite enough. Of course we all know sixty four you're head of your form. It would appear we have two little budding barristers here. What. But I am quite satisfied sixty four that you are at the moment seizing upon an opportunity to weave a new web of lies. And when this little matter is res judicata you can reflect upon it when pleading someone's case in Chancery."

"Upon my word of honour sir, my trustees are very powerful sir."

"Word of honour. O we are foxy aren't we sixty four. Very very foxy. Do we think we are foxy sixty four."

"I am not foxy sir. I have merely stated that should I be sent down it would make my trustees look with displeasure upon the school. "

'Threats, eh. This school has long been quite nearly a living facsimile of Debrett. And such as you, bragging about and tabulating your vile pollutions. And most inglorious of all, two commoners breaching the school rules, its very codes, thieving.'

'Tray sir, my friend Balthazar has never thieved and it was I who led him off the school grounds and he did not know he was out of bounds.'

"Well now we finally have a confession. One wonders where I'd be without a witness here. Two commoners indeed.'

"Nobility sir has never prevented an Englishman from ratting. And pray sir, I am listed in Debrett."

"Are you indeed. Sixty four you will be amused to know that it so happens that we possess a copy of Debrett. What about that. Just behind you there, Mr. Crunch, at the end of the shelf. O I don't think we have quite finished here, not by a long chalk. Trustees. Armada. Packet. Packet of lies. That's your packet. Ah thank you, Mr. Crunch. Now sixty four under whose nobility do we enquire for you."

"Sir if it is the most recent edition."

"It is."

"I am listed fourth line from the bottom page 362 sir."

Sound of groaning horsehairs unflexing as Mr. Crunch shifted position. The long trailing whistle of a curlew out across the grasses. Now the month when the last of all the swooping swallows are gone. And Beefy through the night times said hear Balthazar, that hoot is the little owl and that shriek is the barn owl and they'll be grabbing up the rats and forest mice.

"Hmmmm. I see. Well. One hesitates to think what you will do should you ever get the title. Being that we have it already that you are an inveterate masturbator. And do tell us, the entry is missing for last week. How many times."

"Twenty one. Twenty three if we include up to lunch time today. Sir.' "Are you treating it as some distinction, flaunting it at us. A low habit that saps the energy of life, the spirit of the soul.' "Sir last year my average was only eighteen a week.' "I suppose we enter that little score as mitigation."

"Sir in the military manual it provides that troops must masturbate to prevent undue familiarity developing."

"Who the bloody hell has filled you with all this nonsense. I've served eleven years in the Thirty Fourth Poona Horse.

That's simply not on. You are grossly impertinent."

"My tutor sir, told me so. He served in the Indore Mounted Escort, sir."

"And what else did he tell you. That gross indecency was the order of the day. He's bogus, tell him that for me, your tutor indeed. Impertinent, I think evil is the word for you. Forgive my shouting Mr. Crunch, one doesn't take slander of one's regiment lightly."

"Do you think we should adjourn for tea Mr. Slouch."

"I'm not quite finished yet with these two."

"Sir I may not be the most splendid person in the kingdom. But I am not evil. Nor am I impertinent. My granny's butler Swithins said that a bit of irreverent cheekiness was becoming in boys under ten sir, whereas the same behaviour might be perfectly insulting in one older. I have some fine qualities sir. Which you may not recognise as worthy. But I shall grow up and serve England and do my duty to the best of my abilities sir. I have the finest voice in the school choir. My ancestors have hewn and used the adze. And one day sir, when I am of age and come into my fortune I will buy up this whole area and blow up this school with dynamite."

"Pretty speech. Quite nervy. Very nervy."

"Into smithereens, sir."

"Smithereens. Well you might use such an Irish word. Typical of idle talk. You bumptious little boy. You don't dare stand there thinking for a second that you intimidate myself and Mr. Crunch who, if my memory serves me, has ridden 46 horse, Third Dragoon Guards. Eh Mr. Crunch. Blow us all up. Bit of military megalomania. Only thing can be said in your favour is you possess such a blatant disregard for caution in your remarks that you give amusement. You little rascal. Who put the eels down the bath drains. And let loose the toads in the faculty room. As per your diary, you threatening little rogue. Well we've got it all down here. A nice little interrogatory. And you French boy. Fifty seven. What have you got to say for yourself.'

"I am Beefy's friend.'

"Are you indeed. And you want to be sent down with him I suppose.'

"Yes sir.'

"And what do we know about you. An orphan too, perhaps."

"I do not have a father, sir."

"No father. Strange. How did you get here."

"I am here sir."

"With no father. Slow of mind. You don't follow me. And I'm not about to argue concerning your immaculate conception, dear boy."

"Mr. Slouch, should we not adjourn. It's time for the boys' tea."

"Indeed. A little solitary on bread and water would seem more appropriate. But I think we can wind this up. Yes. Sixty four, you're down for eighteen strokes of the cane. A further six of the very best to be added to the original twelve for threatening to blow us to smithereens. And don't think sixty four you'll be sent down before this justice is administered. Six strokes every other day, with a day's reflection between. That'll keep your bottom busy. And fifty seven pray tell what's your past."

"I am a Catholic sir."

"Good God, that bunch. Romish doctrine. Purgatory, pardons, reliques. Surely you realize it's not grounded upon any warranty in scripture. Whole thing is repugnant to the word of God. There is no popery here. Although we shall respect your beliefs. Well we know Mr. Crunch has striven to keep discipline in our midst. And we shall have gone a long way along the road when sixty four departs. But you, fifty seven shall not be let off so easily. Your mother shall be informed and we shall suggest keeping you here. To make an Englishman of you. Sixty four, prepare to pack your things. Be ready to vacate. The headmaster upon this report will decree your further presence in this school as no longer desirable. Smithereens. No wonder there are no dart boards in Irish pubs. And sixty four just let me conclude by telling you yours is the most remarkable exhibition of brazenness and insolence it has ever been my unpleasant duty to witness in this school in the seven years I've been here. Shirtyness is simply not in it. It's been cavalier villany all the way.'