J. Donleavy - The Destinies of Darcy Dancer, Gentleman

An altogether too large diamond clip rather garishly adorning a too shiny puce fabric of Kelly’s mother’s dress. Better worn in a ballroom than at afternoon tea. But then she frequently appeared out in paddocks dressed as one might for a wedding. Nor could one be kindly about their racing colours needlessly blazoned everywhere. However, good lord in my present shabby regalia who am I to talk. Although one is rather enjoying having all the privileges of a commoner while remaining an aristocrat. Yet the house with a few widespread changes in furnishing could easily be made not so painfully obvious that its owner inhabitants were only recently removed from the shop keeping classes. Just rake off the room’s overly ornate wallpaper. Get rid of the carpets, chiffoniers, cabinets and secretaire bookcases stuffed with their unread badly chosen titles. And chuck the overly stuffed multi coloured and ornamented sofas out the window. Although one would then face a certain bareness, nevertheless the good advice as to how to achieve at least a decent camouflage in the status they were attempting, might be put into action. But again who am I as a recent stable boy to pass such opinions. Except I damn well know the boundaries inside which people should stay who wish to be acceptable.

‘Do please mister Kildare help yourself. As you know we only stand on ceremony in this house when it’s absolutely necessary.’

‘Thank you. Of course, yes, I do know that.’

The Kellys couldn’t be accused of stinginess, at least not above stairs in their own drawing room. And below stairs, with a sleight of hand, one could always remedy the situation. But now tea continued to come in its copious cascades, as Assumpta stared miffed out of her mind watching me intently as she fetched in more hot water for the pot. And through the bow of the polished windows the sky broken in blue with fluffy white clouds undertinged with the pink of a setting sun. The sound of horses pounding the turf in the paddock across the gravel drive. Kelly handing me everything but the kitchen sink from the laden linen napkined tray. He seemed terrified that I might not get enough to eat. And I assuredly left him thoroughly mollified by stuffing myself to the eyebrows. Eight scones buttered inch thick and spoonfuls of honey dripped between the warm soft steaming dough.

‘Now young Kildare, as Hugh’s father it’s incumbent upon me to inform your family as to where you are. And let them know you’re safe and healthy.’

‘Please Daddy, please. I told you he does not want that. You must not ask him. Please. He merely departed home because he is so fond of horses and wanted to be independent somewhere to learn their finer points.’

‘I’m only trying to do what’s correct in the circumstances.’

‘Well he wants to remain incognito as a stable lad Daddy.’

‘We can’t have that. I’m not saying we would chuck you out. I’m not saving that at all.’

A blazing fire, and so many goodies close at hand. In one’s reversal of role, Sitting here, with the horse chat. The foals. The pedigrees. The yearlings. The racing at Fairyhouse, Phoenix Park and the Curragh. Instead of one’s shoes soaking up horse piss and lugging about loads of dung. Kelly seemed quite proud of my presence. In spite of the little bugger having me saddle up his horse. My god, one can see such a different side of people when one’s merely a menial. And Matt the head groom changed his carping tune to me in a hurry. But Kelly, I must confess, is not a bad skin. The poor little chap’s eyes wide as melons as I defame the ruddy school he still attends.

‘Well actually the food is appalling, the bullying sadistically revolting and most of the masters were to my mind thoroughly commonplace, sir.’

‘Well we thought Hugh was in the best of hands.’

‘Well Daddy, Kildare you know, isn’t used to institutional schooling.’

‘I see.’

Kelly’s parents upon their departure from the drawing room were most plaintive in their assurances that I was welcome now as an old friend of the family. But it had been quickly agreed that now my true identity was known, my continued presence as a gentleman squire at the very bottom of the stable hierarchy might not be conducive to good bloodstock management. And for that evening at least, in my sudden upgrading, nothing was too good for me. Sean the second groom even brought the tatty remnants of my belongings in from my loft room.

During dinner it must have been a fulminating situation down in the kitchens. As I in one of Kelly’s borrowed jackets, tie and tight shirt, assumed my full social position. The sneaky new butler’s face wore a look of broken jawed disillusionment which I did not lessen as I released a nasally clipped thank you each time he served me. And following weeks of my hard rustling horsehair mattress, that Saturday night, down the hall from Kelly, I flopped, my belly filled, into a most luxurious bed under a pale green eiderdown. Bathing in the adjoining bathroom with scads of hot water and big warm towels draped over the chromium rail.

In the morning Kelly couldn’t wait to alert me to breakfast in the dining room and sat across the table watching as I shovelled down six fried eggs, eight pieces of buttered toast, six cups of tea and just about the entire contents of a quarter pound jar of marmalade.

‘Alright Kelly, you’re counting.’

‘I am not, I’m doing no such thing. But Assumpta’s been three trips and you’ve now had six fried eggs, eight pieces of toast and six cups of tea, that is rather a lot you must admit.’

‘Well you were urging everything upon me at tea yesterday and dinner last night.’

‘That was because I thought you might be hungry. But now I’m thinking that you may be just only greedy.’

‘Kelly I know it’s your house and I should not want to grieve you, but frankly I have been, as a previous member of the staff, forced to steal sufficient food to stay alive here.’

‘I know that must be a damn lie.’

‘O dear Kelly, calm down. I’m just pulling your leg. The staff food was absolutely tops.’

‘And I should jolly well think so.’

But things were quite amicable when I took final leave. Standing in a dolorifically unacceptable striped trousered suit of Kelly’s father and more than somewhat too big for me. But balanced in a manner of speaking by an excruciatingly tight collar adorned by one of Kelly’s prep school ties. I looked at least passably neat. And with an extra fiver plus the entirety of my accumulated wages heavy in my pocket, I was playfully entertaining optimistic thoughts while Awfully Stupid’s parents performed their relieved dismissal of me in the drawing room. Having of course, repeatedly politely and faintly invited me to stay while I just as repeatedly insisted less faintly that I must depart. And I had concocted the most slavish stream of flattering leavetaking remarks to deliver to my hosts but thought it might simply sound all too reminiscent of my abject menial solicitude during my temporary sojourn as houseboy. But it is amazing the amount of insult one may dispense in the guise of blandishment.

Assumpta suddenly in sobbing tears at their front door. And although one saw her worshipful eyes begging for recognition, I realized one must be firm and keep her in her place. As clearly I now was to her a knight in shining armour. I did feel caddish as the large grand grey gleaming motor car swept up and took us in its warm soft sumptuous interior. Which Kelly said had spent its recent years up on blocks in the garage due to the shortage of petrol. And now out we murmured over the drive and swept along the winding lanes to the train station. Leaving behind blankets lugged up over horses’ backs, and the hours of grooming in the dust of hair and scabs. Tom the chauffeur driving and frowning with hostility every time I caught him looking in my direction. Assumpta told me he had proposed to her. And Kelly at my side in the back seat.