J. Donleavy - The Destinies of Darcy Dancer, Gentleman

‘Very good madam.’

My brief temporary status really improved my prospects in the big brown eyes of Assumpta. Who with her big bosoms, every groom in the stable yard was panting after. And in our hour and a half free after lunch, I airily took her walking. While having the dumbest imaginable conversations. With our interests utterly dissimilar. And not even agreeing on the colour of the sky. But she could gab when she got going. Of how we could go as a pair in service, me butlering, she as a lady’s maid. She had of course since I was promoted out of the stables, also elevated herself up from kitchen maid. The only dangerous thing about such thoughts was I found myself actually considering the prospect.

‘Ah now you’d be answering door to the important people arriving and I would be bringing to her her ladyship’s shoes she’d selected.’

Once we got a bit out into the woods my present randy concern for her ample body drove such plans out of one’s mind. Especially during our prolonged desperate physical struggles which went on for seeming hours. Until finally I was able to overpower her astonishingly strong flailing arms and legs to trip her down into the wet grass. To do what I could up her dress between her bulging thighs with all her kicking and praying to St John the Baptist over my still thoroughly Protestant shoulder. And as I felt, squeezed and twisted towards naked flesh, came her boring constant refrain.

‘Aren’t you the blue eyed bold lad now.’

As well as all the time saying would I marry her. After what I was doing. Which was actually ripping her pants in tatters right off her. Or else she’d have the master of the house, the parish priest, her brothers, sisters, uncles from Cavan, and aunts from Mayo who were nuns, all assemble to make me. But despite my endless wrestlings no how could I get my penis in her. And all she’d wide eyed say as I knelt muddy kneed wanking over her.

‘What’s that funny white stuff coming out of you.’

And then she thoroughly ignored me. When a week previous I had again been demoted out of the house by the arrival of a new butler. And on this Saturday noon. The sun higher, the evening light lengthening. A first hint of spring in the balmy air. And following my ninth week of hiding my wages behind a loose stone in the loft wall, and hearing that Assumpta thought I’d given her a baby by lying on top of her, I was rather just about to panic and depart altogether when the master’s big splendid motor car recently removed from blocks in the garage and newly polished early that morning, came speeding up along the drive. I could see the mistress and a young man step out just as I was collecting from the field the two enemy mares. And Tom the groom acting as chauffeur carried luggage up the steps behind them to the waiting hands of the new butler. A sheepish cowering type who sneaked and lurked around the house digging his fingers in his nose and ears while tabulating the number of bananas I made disappear. And because I regarded him with more than mild displeasure and he regarded Assumpta with more than middling lust, he demanded and was all too eagerly granted the favour of my departure back to the stables.

And late that afternoon all was silent as the rest of the men had gone off to watch a football match. Even left with eighteen boxes to muck out and horses to groom, I was at that second eminently content with the bright chirping songs of the birds in the balmy sunshine. But was, some few seconds later, standing leaning on my fork wondering quite sincerely was it time to flit. However for the sake of another meal and night’s sleep, I was about to bend to grip the worn oak handles to push this heaped barrow of straw and dung, when suddenly I felt someone there in the yard looking at me. And I turned to see a figure in riding breeches, cap and boots crossing on the cobble stones in my direction. A face with its jaw dropping about eighteen miles. And making its wearer, Awfully Stupid Kelly, look even more so.

‘Kildare. I say, what on earth are you doing here.’

‘Working.’

‘But you simply can’t be working here.’

‘I am.’

‘As a common stable lad. I simply cannot believe my eyes.’

‘And I suppose you live here Kelly.’

‘I do as a matter of fact. And good lord, I have only just this moment come back from school. And by the way where is my box of fudge. That you wretchedly ran off with. All of my fudge.’

‘I merely borrowed it.’

‘You stole it. Deliberately. Bewley’s best fudge it was too. I have a good mind to be most angry.’

‘I most heartily regret that sad incident Kelly. But I quite honestly promise as soon as circumstances allow to have Bewley’s send you another box. I needed your fudge to sustain me in the rigours of my extended cross country journey.’

‘That’s no excuse to trick me Kildare.’

‘No I suppose it isn’t.’

‘Of course I could somewhat understand your running away when the Presidium put the blame on you for the fire and the flooding. And had you told me, I would have given you my fudge. But crikey, this is indeed a most strange state of affairs. How have you got here.’

‘Merely by walking down the drive.’

‘But did you know this is where I lived. You haven’t have you, come to sponge and steal further from me. I should heartily resent it you know.’

‘I assure you Kelly had I known this was where you lived I should have skirted your acres and tried elsewhere to find employment. But as clearly it’s all a horrid mistake landing here I would ask that you do not please inform on me.’

‘I am not a rat.’

‘Well I’m pleased Kelly to hear that.’

‘But you must take off those sordid clothes and change into something respectable. I shall invite you into the house and you may then be introduced to my parents in a proper manner.’

‘That is awfully kind of you Kelly. But honestly, circumstances being what they are, I do think perhaps it might be more politic for me to remain where I am. Or your head groom will sack me. At this moment I have all those boxes to muck out.’

‘But you don’t intend do you to stay here as a lowly stable lad. You’re from the right sort.’

‘Good lord, I wonder.’

‘But you are. Why I’ve even made you an elegant leading character in my most recent play I’ve written.’

‘Well my dear Kelly that’s very sporting of you. To feature me like that. I haven’t really made any firm plans as it were. But clearly at the moment I’m rather not, what one might term, of the acceptable sort. As you may all too soon hear. Even made a shambles of being a temporary indoor servant. In fact presently I’m banished from your house.’

‘My God, you Kildare, a servant.’

‘Yes Kelly. Me a servant.’

‘You aren’t the one then who’s been stealing the bananas.’

‘I am I regret to say.’

‘Thieving other people’s property seems to be a habit of yours. Nonetheless I shall help you. Purejoy said although you weren’t very matey you were very spunky. Of course everyone in the upper form thought you so attractive that they all wanted to bugger you.’

‘I beg your pardon Kelly.’

‘It’s exactly the truth. They of course think I’m far too plain.’

‘O no, not at all Kelly.’

‘Well they do, Kildare.’

‘Absolute nonsense. I mean I’m not suggesting that you would win a beauty pageant but you are quite presentable.’

‘No need Kildare to flatter me. I know I’m not awfully attractive. But at least you in your own way were quite kind to me at school. Although I was aggrieved you stole my fudge, I will not forget your getting me off a beating from the Presidium. But what has happened to bring you to this sorry pass. Have your family been reduced in circumstances. Mr Michael told me you come of very grand ancient landed people indeed. And that you had your own private tutor.’