J. Donleavy - The Destinies of Darcy Dancer, Gentleman

‘Yes, once upon a time, Kelly. But now, however mournful and regrettable it may seem, I am but a mere stable lad.’

‘But of course you’re not. You mustn’t say that. How awfully awful.’

‘It is rather, but I fear it is the case.’

‘Well Kildare, it’s for me to help you if I can. Otherwise circumstances are going to make this a most awful holiday.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘O it’s not for you to be sorry.’

‘Well Kelly, if you could intercede to get me another mattress to sleep on I would be very grateful.’

‘But of course I shall Kildare.’

‘And I ask only further of you that you do not disclose to anyone who I am. One has already incurred sufficient disfavour. And I did rather contribute to the dismissal of a previous butler.’

‘That’s no cause to worry Kildare. We’re always getting new butlers. We’re just really trades people you know, and the butlers who come to us because we can pay more, usually do so from far grander service, and always end up getting drunk and declaring their superiority. Some of them have even angrily broken whole dinner services on the floor. Inevitably they give in their notice or must be sacked. Of course my mother and father do endeavour to keep them in their place. But somehow they never succeed. So you’re not to worry in the least.’

‘Well I am somewhat relieved to hear that that state of affairs is customary in your household Kelly, nevertheless I should prefer to remain incognito.’

‘But it is a disgrace that someone of your social class should be so demeaned like this. I find it most upsetting. I really do. Are you staying in the loft.’

‘Yes.’

‘Well that really is the limit.’

‘The loft’s not so bad Kelly.’

‘Well I should not like to be flung into a loft. I mean if something like this Kildare happened to me I should not atall take it lying down.’

‘Well Kelly I suppose you in fact may be right. It’s not actually awfully nice.’

‘But it is your own fault, isn’t it, Kildare. I mean you ran away from school. Not facing up to things.’

‘Yes Kelly I regret to have to agree. But if I am to face up to your further admonishments, I think, that for my own peace of mind, I may have to suggest that you are rather full of shit.’

‘Damn it how rude. And how unthoughtful. When I’m doing my best to help.’

‘Yes. That was perhaps not nice to say. O dear. I do apologize Kelly.’

‘Well this situation is not awfully nice. Especially for me. Have you thought of that. It’s distressing Kildare. That’s what it is. I could of course think that this is your just deserts for having stolen my fudge.’

‘I do again apologize Kelly. I really many a time indeed grieved and was extremely sorry to have done that to you.’

‘Well you’re forgiven. But that is not the way to behave as I am sure you must know. Anyway as you are in fact working here. You may as well saddle up my horse.’

‘Very good sir.’

‘And there is no need to be menial about it either Kildare.’

I must confess I was sorely tempted to leave Kelly’s cinch loose so that he could that more easily come off on his head and be put upright sticking in the mud. But alas, he is sine dubio my last remaining connection with the civilized world and one has to cherish his existence. I waited till he returned and pretended to be elsewhere out of sight when he shouted for me. And then watched him heading back from the stable yard to the big house. And I was standing on a chair washing a mare’s tail when the gaffer appeared just before tea time.

‘You’re wanted urgently up at the big house. Get lively now. Go on. I’ll get Sean to finish that. And you’d be as well to smarten up your appearance.’

Darcy Dancer unbrushed and unscrubbed thumping the knocker on the brass nose of the lion on the front door. Assumpta answering, thinking my presence there a joke. And shoving me back over the threshold. Making her big brown eyes grow bigger.

‘Go on with you away. Imagine that you’d be invited to tea. Haven’t you been told you’re not wanted in here.’

‘I am invited to tea. By the young master.’

‘Sure I’m not letting the cheeky likes of you past if it was St Joseph himself give you the invitation.’

Darcy Dancer putting his foot forward to stop the slamming door. And rearing up straight clearing one’s throat. The breeze noticeable between my legs. Avail myself now of my ruling class accent.

‘I say, stand aside girl and don’t presume upon a gentleman to keep him from making his prompt appearance to tea.’

Assumpta reddening in the face, standing shook in her tracks with disbelief. And forgetting to shut the front door as she watched me remove my priestly stable blessed shoes and proceed forward to the drawing room. The wind slamming closed the front door and Assumpta running mumbling towards the kitchen stairs.

‘It’s O’Reilly behaving out of his mind saying he has been invited to tea with the master and mistress.’

Although the Dublin poet had already indoctrinated them into the custom, raised eyebrows greeted my shoeless feet in the drawing room. The fire in the grate blazing. The red varnish painted on Kelly’s mother’s fingernails looked as equally false as the smarmy smile frozen on her face. Kelly jumping up and down as if he had peed in his pants. Which judging by the dark stain he in fact might have. His portly balding father wiping his brow with his handkerchief as he put his entirely limp and unpleasantly moist hand in mine.

‘Well young Mr Kildare. This is a pretty kettle of fish now to find out you are who you are.’

‘I apologize sir, to be without shoes, and do hope you will forgive the rest of my rather unpremeditated appearance.’

Kelly’s mother who at first seemed feigning some indisposition now finally made some bodily movements and was at this moment anyway looking surprisingly pretty. Certainly one had a brief moment now to contemplate her features without them wearing a look of repugnance. Her light hair waved back at the sides of her head looked passably elegant in the drawing room light. But her aquiline nose did sniff and her eyebrow frown at my reasty aroma. However she calmed visibly as I sat and pushed my holey stockinged and regretfully much smelly feet out of sight under the tea table. And Kelly’s father took the opportunity to clear his throat, obviously finding it difficult to believe this present member of his household staff was plonked on his damask in front of him.

‘Are you comfortable there mister Kildare.’

‘Yes. Thank you.’

Kelly’s father adjusting a lone long strand of hair across his shining pate. My God, after all this time to be addressed in a respectful manner. As if I existed as a human being and were not about to steal or break something. With Kelly’s mother and father having obviously tarted themselves up to look their very best in view of the fact, one must suppose, that I have so often seen them at their utter worst. But one certainly doesn’t like what one might think is an American style tie he’s wearing. And an overly red and far too wide stripe running through the far too smooth fabric of his suit. And Kelly’s mother’s accent is more than ever oozing with refinement making it so much more obvious and uncomfortable when her every few words are shattered by the undertones of her considerably less graceful vowels. Her lip now trembling a trifle as she raises her chin to further put on the dog.

‘Now despite the circumstances. We’d like to treat you as a school friend of Hugh’s to tea. We understand you are a Darcy Thormond.’

‘Yes, on my mother’s side, madam.’

‘A very well known racing family. And certainly no need now to address me as madam. Of course had we known who you were everything would have been extremely different. You should have told us you know.’