Nicola Barker - Behindlings

‘It tasted like heron, ’ Katherine said, scowling, debating her options. Either she could sulk it out of him or launch a full-frontal attack.

Ted peeked over his shoulder (almost as if sensing that she was preparing an assault).

‘If you must know,’ he said, but very hands-off, very conversational, without — he hoped — a trace of criticism…

Remember how he took that punch?

Remember?

‘I didn’t like the way that you behaved with Dewi, earlier.’

‘How did I behave?’ Katherine was unrepentant.

Ted almost lost his nerve (his nerve was like a go-cart on a sharp corner. It needed handling).

‘Slightly cruel. And a little bit…’ he tried to find the most appropriate adverb. ‘A little bit provocative… Provocative-ly,’ he added, as if suddenly uncertain of the grammar.

‘But it’s my long-term project, Ted,’ Katherine patiently explained without a hint of humour, ‘to injure him as much as he injured me. It’s my life’s work. I thought you already knew that.’ She was serious. But mocking. Like she always was.

‘That’s a very…’ he scratched his neck –

Collar chafing

‘I just think you should maybe consider…’

Moving on

‘If you dare say “moving on”, I’m going to rip off your insignificant little prick,’ she said, standing up and walking over to Bron’s cage, ‘and feed it to the damn chinchilla. ’

Bron was asleep in his box. Blissfully vegetarian. His water bottle was empty again.

‘Don’t forget that you were the person who got us into this shitty situation in the first place. If you hadn’t peeked into my Dad’s office that day and mistaken me for… for…’

‘But I didn’t spread anything, ’ Ted mumbled, ‘that was Bo. Bo thought it’d be funny…’

‘An innocent hug, ’ Katherine bellowed, ‘with his own daughter. ’

Ted nodded, submissively.

‘And if Dewi feels the need to take some kind of crazy stance on Following,’ Katherine continued, ignoring him, ‘or on Wesley, for that matter, then he should look to his laurels. The man’s an out-and-out stalker — he’s a pest — a betrayer. And he causes me more mental anguish per inch than two thousand stunted, bifocal-wearing weirdoes ever could.’

‘That’s harsh,’ Ted said.

‘I think Bron may be too hot,’ she grunted. ‘Open the back door, will you? I’m going to carry him through to the conservatory.’

Ted did as he was asked. Katherine removed the rodent’s water bottle, meanwhile, and walked over to the sink to fill it up. On her way across, she paused in front of Arthur’s computer. She put down the bottle and expertly opened the lid.

Ted walked over himself. ‘What are you doing?’

‘I’m just looking.’

‘Why?’

Katherine was bending over to inspect the side of the laptop for its on-off switch.

‘Because I can, Ted.’

‘I really don’t think…’ Ted tried to sound dynamic, ‘I really don’t think that’s a good idea.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because it’s private.’

‘If it’s so fucking private, Teddy, then he shouldn’t just have left it in my kitchen, should he, using up all my bloody electricity?’ She located the button and turned it on. The machine zipped into life. She inspected the keyboard intently as it downloaded.

‘A nipple,’ she said, ‘instead of a mouse. Ah. Must’ve been breast-fed.’

She touched her finger to it. ‘And so responsive. ’

Ted grimaced, stepped back.

‘So do you trust him, Ted?’ she asked, apparently preoccupied by what she was doing.

‘Arthur? Yes,’ he answered, almost without thinking.

‘Really?’

Ted thought for a moment. ‘I don’t know. Yes. I mean I can’t really… I don’t really understand all this trusting/not-trusting…’

‘Well that’s good then.’

She balanced herself neatly on the good side of withering.

‘Why?’ Ted was daunted. ‘Don’t you trust him?’

She chuckled, ‘Absolutely not. ’

Ted stared at her for a while, frowning.

‘I mean…’ he conceded, ‘… well, he did seem slightly…’

‘What?’

She was inspecting his desktop. She seemed very interested in it.

‘He was saying some stuff to me — back at the office when he was helping out with the computer — he was saying some stuff about how I was in a perfect position to… I mean he said that I was well placed. And he said that the Bean girl was well placed too. I didn’t know what he meant by it. But he gave me a very distinct look, like he was trying to make a… as if he thought we might be in some kind of…’

‘Collusion.’

‘Yes.’

No

That wasn’t the word

Ted frowned, ‘He seemed to want to find things out that I wasn’t entirely at ease with. Stuff about Wesley…’

‘ Fuck Wesley already,’ Katherine murmured, turning from the computer to look at him. ‘So where does he think the Bean girl fits in? I mean what does the Bean girl have to do with anything?’

‘The Bean girl…’ Ted rubbed his hand over his face, tiredly, ‘the Bean girl was in Saks when Wesley and I went in there to meet up with Arthur. But before we’d even made it to the bar, Dewi’d charged in and knocked him for six.’

‘He hit Wesley?’

The computer beeped. Katherine turned back around to inspect it. ‘That was probably my fault,’ she mused, ‘come to think of it.’

She didn’t seem bothered.

‘Right. Well… anyhow, after he’d hit him a couple of times — knocked him flat, in actual fact, the Bean girl came running through the bar telling him to stop with a smashed beer bottle in her hand, which she held to her arm, and then sliced into her wrist with it.’

Katherine turned back around again. ‘Why the fuck would she do something as stupid as that?’

‘That’s what I thought. I mean that’s what I… what I wondered.’

Ted shrugged.

Katherine gave him a straight look.

‘It just seemed…’ Ted expanded (couldn’t help himself), ‘I mean the time-scale and everything, in relation to the Bean girl… her hair’s all gone now. Cut off… her blonde…’

Katherine raised her finger in warning.

‘Don’t you dare, ’ she said.

Ted closed his mouth.

She turned back to the computer and began messing around on it.

‘In case you were wondering,’ she said (and very casually), ‘they have one of these at work. Only bigger.’

Ted seemed surprised by this information.

‘What are you doing?’ he asked, peering over her shoulder.

On the desktop a series of files had appeared. Katherine went to the first — entitled Gumble Inc — and double clicked on it.

The file consisted of a letter, dated from twelve weeks before…

Dear Sir,

they read together,

We are a specialist Austrian plastics manufacturer (specialising mainly in high-impact vegetarian footwear), and are great fans of your website. We would be very interested in taking out a series of high-profile adverts…

Katherine exited the document. She entered another one, entitled Gumble Exclusivity…

Dear Mr Young,

they read

Gumble Inc are extremely satisfied with our participation in the Behindlings enterprise, to the extent that we now feel a major investment in the site would be in our interest. We are currently willing to offer you a lump sum to ensure Gumble Inc exclusivity on the site…