Nicola Barker - Darkmans

The woman hissed. Gaffar sat down. He picked up the pen and started drawing on the paper.

‘What we playin’?’ Kelly asked.

‘ Pachen . I show.’

He drew three horizontal lines and then intersected them with two vertical ones (leaving approximately a centimetre between each). When he’d finished the first one (the letter G inscribed neatly above), he commenced with the second (topping it off with the letter K).

‘This you…’ he said, pointing to the K graph, ‘and this me.’ He pointed at the G.

‘So what kind of nonsense has Kane been up to?’ Kelly asked nonchalantly (as if she didn’t care a jot).

‘Kane?’ Gaffar glanced up at her.

‘Yeah. What kind of shit’s he been pullin’ lately?’

Gaffar smiled and then shook his head.

‘Why’re you smilin’ like that?’

Kelly pulled herself bolt upright.

‘ Huh? ’

Gaffar pretended not to understand.

‘Has he been slaggin’ me off again?’

Gaffar cocked his head.

‘Did he tell you I nicked those drugs off him? Did he? Because if he did it’s a fuckin’ lie …’ she knuckled up her hands into furious fists. ‘ Man! I can’t believe he told you that…’

Gaffar shook his head. ‘He… uh …’

‘Because I didn’t , all right? I’ve never done drugs. Apart from the odd bit of puff an’ speed an’ E, obviously. Never . An’ he knows it, too. My brother was hooked on solvents. Glue . I’ve seen what terrible things that kind of shit can do to you…’

‘Okay.’

‘An’ I’m still stuck in this damn bed —alongside that slack bitch —because of the stupid drugs they gave me in here. Look at my rash…’

She lifted up her blanket and showed him her belly. It was wall-to-wall hives.

‘See?’

Gaffar winced, picked up the dice, and tried to start the game. ‘I just can’t believe he still thinks I stole off him. An’ I can’t believe he told you that, neither…’

Gaffar grimaced. ‘I never…’ he said, shaking his head ‘…we never talk.’

Kelly’s pretty face closely scrutinised his. ‘You never talk? Or you never talked about me ?’

Gaffar pointed at Kelly and then shook his head.

‘You never talked about me?’

‘Uh-uh.’

Kelly was hurt. ‘That’s rich. We dated for eight solid months . What is his fuckin’ problem?’

Gaffar shrugged. He shook the dice in his hand.

‘So what are the two of you gassin’ about all day, then?’

Gaffar’s brows rose.

‘I mean what’s so fuckin’ important, eh?’

Gaffar looked blank.

‘Jesus Christ . I fell off his wall an’ I broke my leg …’

’Hey!’ Gaffar suddenly expostulated. ‘ Don’t get so worked up about it! I’m here. He send Gaffar … huh? …and for…for shop… What more could a good whore possibly require ?’ He pointed at the bag.

‘Yeah,’ Kelly crossed her arms, sulkily, ‘his little go-between…’ Gaffar merely sniffed.

‘So what do you talk about, then?’

He rolled his eyes. ‘ Urgh . No thing.’

‘Bull shit !’

Gaffar sighed. ‘We talk about…uh…’ he struggled to think of anything, ‘uh… ah! Rug .’

‘What?’

‘Rug. On floor.’

‘ Rug? ’

‘On floor. Beede floor. Rug . We talk.’

Kelly collapsed back into her pillows. ‘Now you’re just bein’ a twat.’

‘No. Is so true.’

‘An’ what else?’

‘Uh… Animal Rescue .’

‘Pardon?’

‘He thinks I fuck Rolf.’

‘ Rolf? ’

‘He thinks I do fuck on Rolf.’

Kelly frowned.

Gaffar chuckled fondly as he remembered. ‘Then we laugh.’ Kelly still frowned. ‘Uh… yeah . Ha ha . Absolutely hilarious .’ She sucked on her lower lip. ‘You boys are just so damn sad. ’

Gaffar seemed untroubled by this assault. ‘An’ we watch Sky tv. We watch uh …Africa news. We watch…uh…Islam tv. Get piss. Get stoned.’

‘Well that’s just great . That’s dandy . So I break my fuckin’ leg. I get pins put in my fuckin’ leg. I suffer a major allergic reaction to a drug which your charmin’ pal has pretty much accused me — to my face , no less — of nickin’ from him, and here you both are, spendin’ all God’s hours smokin’ blow, drinkin’ booze and watchin’ Islamic bloody tv …’

‘Yes.’

‘I mean that ain’t even a proper channel .’

‘Is good tv. We watch Anthony Robbins. Guru. Infomercial. Many times. Many times. We watch…uh…Channel 4 race. We watch Text2Text. With whore . Tv whore . On phone.’

‘You freaks, ’ Kelly gasped, ‘you sad, fucking freaks .’

She crossed her arms.

Gaffar smiled.

‘ Man . That’s just…’ she gazed up at the light fitment, furiously, ‘…that’s just so fuckin’ typical. Classic Kane. Classic fuckin’ Kane…’

Gaffar continued to smile, slightly hunched over, watching her furious ruminations, fondly.

‘Don’t look at me like that!’ Kelly suddenly yelled.

He sat up straight. ‘ Wha?! ’

‘Like some big, gormless pup !’

He shrugged, then pretended to adjust his face with his hand. His face was very rubbery. He pushed his nose across his cheek, like it was made out of Plasticene.

Kelly squealed, ‘That’s disgustin’ ! Stop it!’

Gaffar stopped.

‘We play Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2001,’ he informed her.

‘Oh God , the fuckin’ golf . Don’t even go there…’

‘Kane is play Justin Leonard. I is play Brad Faxon in big tournament for seven hour.’

‘I hate that damn game,’ Kelly hissed. ‘I’m haunted by that fuckin’ game. The sound of the bat hittin’ the ball, the birds twitterin’ in the damn trees …’

‘Stick,’ Gaffar corrected her.

‘An’ that stupid, fuckin’ “ oooooaaawwww !” noise the crowd makes ever time you miss a shot…’

Gaffar nodded, sympathetically. ‘I tell him we should play Super Mario, eh? Sims. New game…’

‘I bought him the 2002 edition of the golf for his birthday, and I swear to God he never even took off the cellophane wrapper. He’s like, “No. I still enjoy 2001. There’s still plenty of stuff for me to learn here.”’

‘But he is good play for this game, huh?’

‘Fuckin’ should be, mate, he’s wasted enough hours on it. An’ I wouldn’t mind, but he don’t even like computer games. He only got the system in exchange for a bad debt an’ the golf game was still inside. He claims he despises PlayStation…’

‘Kane love this game,’ Gaffar reiterated.

‘Did he give you the line about how it’s an easy game to play but a difficult game to master ?’

Gaffar stared at her, blankly.

‘Just you wait. He’ll tell you that. He loves to say that. That game is like a religion to Kane. I’ve never seen him more fuckin’ contented than when he’s playin’ that stupid game.’

‘You hate this game, huh ?’ Gaffar observed.

‘That Pebble fuckin’ Beach course,’ Kelly growled. ‘Wiv’ all the sounds of the waves in the background…?’