Nicola Barker - Darkmans

‘What about his dad?’ Kane asked.

‘He was away in Manchester on business,’ she glanced up at the ceiling, to try and stop her tears from flowing, ‘but he still managed to get home over an hour before I did.’

‘Did he suspect?’ Kane wondered.

Laura looked down, frowning. A tear dripped on to the tiles. She slowly shook her head. ‘It’s even worse than you think,’ she said, trembling.

‘How?’

She didn’t answer.

‘Who was the affair with?’

Again, no answer.

‘Was it Tom?’ Kane took a wild punt.

She gazed up at him, amazed. ‘How did you guess?’

‘Are you still with him?’ Kane asked.

‘No.’ She dabbed at her cheeks with her sleeve. ‘It only lasted a few months. We were…’ she sniffed and then put out her hand and rested it, almost reverently, on the marble work-surface.

‘Working on the house together,’ Kane filled in.

Laura nodded.

‘Did Pat ever find out?’

‘I don’t think so.’

She shook her head, but then she shrugged, confused. ‘I mean…I mean she knows about the affairs . Obviously she does. Because that’s just Tom . That’s who Tom is …’

Laura turned, grabbed the teapot and quickly filled up her mug. She wasn’t shaking so much now. Kane quietly withdrew to his former position. He cradled his own mug in his hands. ‘So did you usually meet Ryan from school?’ he wondered.

‘No.’

‘Then the accident would’ve happened anyway…’

‘That’s not the point,’ she snapped.

‘Isn’t it, though?’ Kane persisted. ‘You weren’t able to say goodbye to your only son. Isn’t that a sufficient punishment for whatever you did wrong?’

Laura stared down at the floor, grimly.

Kane adjusted the mug in his hand. The fisherman mug. He stared at it for a second. Then he blinked.

‘Do you believe in God, Kane?’ Laura suddenly demanded.

‘Me?’ Kane glanced up again. ‘No. Absolutely not.’

‘Karma, then?’

‘Nope.’

‘Well I do. I think God punished me for sleeping with my brother-in-law by taking away my only child.’

‘The flipside of a vengeful God,’ Kane quickly shot back, ‘is eternal life.’

‘So ?’

‘So, by your estimation, Ryan must be up in heaven, now.’

Laura gave this some thought.

‘I’m not sure…’ she said.

‘You can’t have one without the other,’ Kane maintained.

‘I’m not sure …’ she said again, confused.

‘That’s the deal,’ Kane persisted.

Silence

‘I’ve recently started wondering…’ Laura cleared her throat, gazing up at the ceiling again, ‘if things might feel better — if it might bring some relief if I just…’

‘No,’ Kane said, briskly.

She peered over at him, frowning. ‘But you don’t even…’

‘Yes I do. You were going to ask whether I thought you should confess.’ Laura grimaced.

‘And the answer is no. Definitely not.’

Laura grimaced again.

‘Pat probably suspects, anyhow,’ Kane maintained, ‘Charlie too.’ ‘You think so?’

Laura covered her mouth with her hand.

‘Yes. Because secrets have a way of seeping out. They kind of…I don’t know… leak . Maybe that’s why Pat’s still persisting with the whole road crossing thing, even when she knows you’re not entirely happy about it. Maybe that’s her way of punishing you.’

‘No.’ Laura shook her head. ‘Pat wouldn’t do that. It’s not in her nature. She’s been so kind to me, so patient. She’s my best friend in the whole world…’

‘ Such a good friend that you shagged her husband behind her back,’ Kane interrupted.

Laura looked hurt.

‘The fact is that she might not even realise she’s doing it. Her hostility might be unconscious. Yours too, for that matter.’ ‘Unconscious?’ Laura scowled. ‘I don’t know what that means…’

‘It means that you can love someone on the surface — very sincerely — but still hate them a little underneath…’

‘ No!’ Laura was horrified. ‘I couldn’t hate Pat!’

‘It’s very deep down,’ Kane persisted, ‘so deep that you may hardly even realise it…’

‘No!’ Laura clenched her hands together, distraught. ‘That’s not possible. How could I hate Pat? She been so kind— she’s been my rock …’

‘Well I’d hate her in your place,’ Kane shrugged. ‘I mean how could you help yourself? She has her kids, this house, Tom, a clear conscience. She got to be with your son when he died, then to nurse you through your misery. And now she even gets to commemorate Ryan in public by setting up this committee…’

‘I love Pat,’ Laura sniffed. ‘She’s been wonderful…’

‘Of course you do,’ Kane shrugged. ‘And I’m sure she loves you, too. It’s just that feelings are complicated things. They don’t always add up. And in my experience, the truth rarely makes things easier — quite the opposite, in fact.’

He stared down at the mug once more, as though irresistibly drawn to it.

Silence

‘So…’ Kane finally pushed the mug away and grabbed something from his coat pocket. ‘Do you still want these?’

He held out a small bag of tablets.

Laura inspected them for a moment, and then slowly shook her head.

‘Fine. Good .’

He shoved the tablets away again. ‘Should I continue to send Gaffar?’ Laura shrugged.

‘Tomorrow maybe?’ he wheedled. ‘The day after? Just to help with the transition?’

‘Okay then,’ Laura nodded, stiffly. ‘If you think it’s a good idea…’ ‘I do.’

Kane stood up.

‘Thanks for the tea,’ he said.

He turned.

‘Kane?’

He turned back again.

‘ Gaffar… ’ Laura was twisting her two hands together, like a self-conscious schoolgirl.

‘Yeah? What about him?’

‘Well…I mean…’ she cleared her throat, embarrassed, ‘does he actually have… you know… sex with all your female clients?’

‘Uh…Wow…’ Kane frowned. ‘Now there’s a question…’

Then he smiled. Then he scratched his head for a while, obviously thinking, very carefully, before delivering his answer.

When Beede finally regained consciousness he was standing in the shower, his naked body slumped heavily against the tiles — numb, leaden, inert — like an old, abandoned hog carcass. His hands and his arms — he gazed at them, blankly — were covered in scratches. The scratches were bleeding. His teeth were tightly clenched. His jaw was aching. He slowly relaxed his jaw and his teeth began chattering. He was freezing . The water–

Ye Gods!

— was absolutely, bloody icy .

He turned and fumbled at the tap–

Eh?

He wasn’t entirely sure how it worked. At first he pulled at it, then he pushed at it, then he gently, gently twisted it, his strong brow knotted with concentration.

Once the water had stopped flowing–

Yah!

— he gradually took stock, peering down, dazedly, at his feet. He felt off-kilter — wobbly, like a toddler. His balance seemed shot.

As he stared down — his eyes falling dazedly in and out of focus — it slowly began to dawn on him that the base of the shower cubicle was full of water. It was ankle-deep and flowing over on to the bathroom floor. The bathroom floor was actually awash …

Beede frowned. He knew that he should be feeling something — anxiety? Fastidiousness? Concern? — and knowing that he should feel these things almost made the feelings flow… Almost . But then they didn’t. They didn’t flow. Instead he felt nothing, simply an idle — almost insolent — curiosity.