Nicola Barker - Darkmans

‘Rubbish,’ Winnie shot back, ‘I’m an excellent speller.’

‘No you ain’t. You couldn’t even get his name right.’

‘Whose name?’

‘The doctor’s name.’

‘Of course I did.’

‘No you didn’t.’

‘Well there’s probably a perfectly good reason for that.’

‘Oh yeah?’

‘Yeah. And if you’ll just hold your horses for one second then I’ll…’

Long pause

‘Hello?’

‘Keep your knickers on. I’m just fetching my notes. I’m finding the page. Here we go. Board. Andrew Board — b-o-a-r-d, or Boord — double “o”—or Boarde — b-o-a-r-d-e — according to where it is that you happen to look. I actually had two copies of the original text, and one was much earlier…’

‘So?’

‘Well they spelled words in a variety of ways back then.’

‘Who did?’

‘Everyone.’

‘Huh?’

‘The language was in flux.’

‘Come again?’

‘English,’ Winnie sighed, exasperated, ‘the language , it wasn’t always set in stone. It grew, it developed . Nowadays it’s considered such a fundamental part of the national character, the culture, something we’re all so sure about, so proud of, but back then it was just a baby — a fledgling. It was still finding its feet, still being painstakingly sewn together. And all the rules which we now take so much for granted…’

‘Hang on a sec…’ Kelly was confused. ‘So if there weren’t no English , then what did we speak?’

‘Pardon?’

‘If there weren’t no English then what did we speak, I mean before we could speak?’

‘We spoke French. Or Roman. Or Norse. Or Latin. Or a series of local dialects, I suppose…’

‘ French? ’ Kelly was horrified. ‘Us English spoke French ?’

‘Yup. We still do. Where d’you think pleasure comes from, or naive or liqueur ?’

‘But then…’ Kelly was growing increasingly confused, ‘but then how did they all chat ? I mean amongst themselves? Before? ’

‘I imagine they just muddled along as best they could. That’s one of the main reasons why the doctor’s story’s so interesting. He actually wrote one of the first truly English texts…’

‘He did?’

‘Yup…’

A brief scrabbling amongst papers…

‘The doctor — believe it or not — was also a monk.’

‘A monk ?’ Kelly reached out and grabbed the Reverend’s arm. The Reverend quickly snatched it back.

‘Yes. A monk of the London Charterhouse. A Carthusian monk, which is the strictest possible order.’

‘How strict?’ Kelly demanded.

‘Well he was a vegetarian, wore a hair shirt, lived a life of abject poverty…strict as you like, really. And he joined early. He joined when he was still underage…’

‘How old?’

‘I don’t know. A kid, most probably. A teenager. But it was a tricky time to be affiliated to the Church…’

‘Why?’

‘Because Henry wanted a divorce, so he separated with Rome.’

‘An’ then what?’

‘Well the monks were basically screwed. He stole all their lands and money. He made them choose between their faith and their monarch — swear an oath of conformity. Many of them refused and were persecuted — imprisoned, placed under house arrest, deported. Boorde, too, more than likely — he was a bishop at one stage, I believe… Uh …Bishop of Chichester–1521…’ she paused, distracted. ‘What’s that strange noise?’ she demanded.

‘It’s only me,’ Kelly squeaked, ‘I’m just excited.’

‘Excited? Why?’

‘Because…’ Kelly simply couldn’t hold it in any longer, ‘because he was my fuckin’ grandad ,’ she exploded.

‘Sorry?’

‘The doctor . He was my grandad . My great-great-…’

‘Dr Andrew Board ?’

‘My pops was always goin’ on about how we had this great-great-great-…’

‘…etc…’

‘…who was a doctor . A doctor to the king . Dr Andrew Broad. An’ he said how he wrote this book all about how you build a proper house…’

‘Board, Broad…’ Winnie tried this on for size. ‘Good Lord. How odd …’

‘An’ I always used to think it was just more of his old bullshit , yeah? I mean why would a doctor write a book about…?’

‘That’s a good point,’ Winnie interrupted, ‘a valid point. But the plain fact is…’ (she suddenly sounded rather excited herself) ‘…that he did …’

‘Fuck off !’

‘He wrote…I mean these are just rough notes …but I’ve written, The boke for to lerne a man to be wyse in bylding of his house for the helthe of his soul . Uh…I’m not sure if that’s an independent text or if it’s just part of The First Boke of the Introduction of Knowledge , which he also wrote…’

‘Bloody hell.’

Kelly turned to the Reverend.

‘This is too weird,’ she said.

‘Broad/Board/Boord,’ Winnie murmured. ‘Who would’ve thought it?’

‘It’s fuckin’ monster,’ Kelly shook her head, astonished, ‘it’s huge .’

‘His The Dyetary of Health was actually one of the earliest medical works to be written in English,’ Winnie returned to her notes again, ‘which gives it great philosophical significance. Apparently the OED traces the first uses of several general words to that particular book…’

‘The OED ?’

‘Yup. The Oxford English Dictionary .’

‘ Shit …’ Kelly gasped, ‘my Uncle Harve’s gonna pop his fuckin’ clogs …’

‘Although — on the down-side — there’s some question over the authorship of the work that I photocopied…’

‘Which work?’

‘ Scogin’s Jests .’

‘But you said in that letter you wrote,’ Kelly rushed on, ‘about how it was all a bit dodgy. About how he was a bit dodgy…’

‘Did I? Oh. Well as I already mentioned, there were certain…uh …confusions…about the authorship of the Scogin book,’ Winnie said carefully. ‘I mean there’s obviously still loads more to find out…’

‘Really? You’d do that?’ Kelly very nearly bounced out of her chair. ‘Uh…well, yeah …I suppose I could always head back down to the library. Or you could always try the internet. I already looked for Scogin — so did Beede — and he didn’t have a single entry, but Boorde on the other hand…’

‘When?’

‘Sorry?’

‘When will you go back?’

Winnie frowned. ‘To the library? I dunno. I mean how much more do you really…?’

‘ EVERYTHING! ’ Kelly bellowed, her voice shaking with emotion. ‘This might sound stupid, yeah, to someone like you, someone all educated who wrote a fancy book, but I always thought we Broads was just…’ she paused, judiciously, ‘just shit…’

‘Well you were obviously wrong.’

Winnie smiled as she spoke.

‘I know. It’s another sign ,’ Kelly was buzzing now, ‘and it ain’t just about me this time, neither. It’s about all of us. Because God loves you too, yeah? You’re a part of this thing, no matter what. Just like the Rev here…’

Kelly squeezed the Reverend’s shoulder. The Reverend winced, pained.

‘Hang on a second…’ Winnie paused, confused. ‘A part of what?’ ‘The puzzle. The picture . Like the Reverend said, God made me fall off the wall that day…’