Nicola Barker - Darkmans

‘Why?’

‘Pardon?’

‘Why are you lookin’ for him?’

‘Why…?’

His eyes alighted on the photocopied sheets. ‘What’s that you’re reading?’

‘What’s what?’

She quickly flipped back her counterpane to try and obscure them. ‘That,’ he pointed, undeterred. ‘How’d you get a hold of it?’

‘Uh…’

‘Did Beede give it you?’

‘Beede?’

‘Yeah.’

He put his hand to his head again.

‘D’you wanna sit down for a minute?’

She pointed to a chair. He went and sat down on it. As he moved she noticed that he was limping slightly.

‘Did you hurt your foot?’

‘My foot? No. It’s just my trainers…’

‘Oh. So you got my text, then?’

‘Your text?’ he murmured. ‘Sure. Sure I did.’

‘ And? ’ she persisted.

‘And what?’

‘Ain’t ya pissed?’

‘Pissed? Why?’

‘ Why?! Because that stunted Turkish prick made a pass ,’ she paused. ‘ And he trashed my fuckin’ salad…’

‘Right…’

Kane grimaced, then he nodded, then he reached a distracted hand to his phone as it vibrated in his pocket. Kelly gazed at him with a look of burgeoning incredulity. It took several seconds for him to even register her disquiet.

‘What kind of a pass?’ he finally asked.

‘That must be some high-calibre fuckin’ zong you’re on,’ she observed, tightly.

He ignored her. ‘What kind of a pass?’ he repeated.

‘Duh!’ she threw up her arms. ‘He snogged me.’

‘Ah…’

Kane’s eyes wandered aimlessly around the ward.

‘On the mouth .’

She pointed to her mouth (it was a sweet, little mouth).

‘Here…’

‘I see…’

He idly noticed how a nearby window had been propped permanently open with the aid of a balled-up surgical glove. He shivered, involuntarily.

‘Is that all you’ve got to say?’ she asked, hurt.

His eyes slowly returned to her. ‘How d’you mean?’

‘Is that the best you can muster ?’

Muster?!

His brows rose a fraction. ‘So you think I could do better?’ he smiled, finally engaging with her.

‘Yeah, actually.’

‘How?’

‘Ditch him.’

‘What?’ He abruptly stopped smiling.

‘Sack him.’

‘Seriously?!’

‘One hundred per cent.’

‘Just for a kiss…?’ Kane slowly shook his head. ‘… Nah .’

‘Why not?’ she demanded. ‘You ditched me in a flash, an’ we dated eight, solid months , so why not ditch him?’

‘Because.’

‘Because?! ’

‘Because it’s different , Kelly.’

He sounded bored, like this was tired, old territory.

‘ Different? You don’t know him from fuckin’ Adam , mate. He could be anyone. He’s takin’ the damn piss …’

He rolled his eyes.

‘And it ain’t only me as thinks so, neither,’ she continued hotly, ‘he’s been givin’ my poor old mum the runaround…’

‘Your poor old mum ?!’ he grinned.

‘Yeah. Playin’ with her feet. Walkin’ the dogs. She even took him out shoppin’ …’

Kane chuckled, delightedly.

‘He’s been schmoozing my mum , Kane,’ Kelly exclaimed, riled by his hilarity.

‘So where’s the harm in that?’

‘Where’s the harm ? It’s sick , for one thing. An’ she ain’t got the money to support no Toy Boy, for another…’

‘ Sick? Sick of your poor old mum to have a bit of fun?’

‘ Fun? He’s been leadin’ the poor cow on .’

Kane suddenly stopped grinning. ‘Maybe he actually fancies her,’ he said, in all apparent seriousness.

‘Fuck off !’

‘Jeez,’ Kane slowly shook his head, ‘the arrogance of the young…’

His eyes returned, almost inexorably, to the propped-up window. ‘Well he can’t fancy her that much,’ she sniffed, ‘if he went an’ porked Gerry behind her back.’

‘He didn’t shag her,’ Kane said.

‘The ignorant fuck ,’ she scowled.

‘He didn’t shag her,’ Kane repeated.

‘All he needs now,’ she ignored him, ‘is to make the moves on my sister an’ he’ll have the full bloomin’ complement …’

‘God, no,’ Kane muttered, ‘surely even Gaffar couldn’t stoop that low?’

Kelly stared at him, open-mouthed.

‘And what about your aunt? Doesn’t she count?’

Kelly flared out her nostrils and sucked on her tongue.

‘Anyway,’ Kane maintained, ‘he didn’t shag Gerry. He just came between her tits.’

‘What?’ ‘She told me.

She said he came between her tits. They didn’t shag.’

‘Oh. My. God .’

‘Her tits are amazing,’ Kane added, almost as an afterthought.

Silence

‘I honestly don’t believe you just said that.’

Kelly’s back was straight as a ramrod.

‘Said what? That her tits are great? Whyever not? Her tits are great. It’s an objective fact .’

‘That ain’t the point, Kane.’

‘That’s exactly the point…’

‘No.’

She seemed cut to the quick.

‘Of course it’s the point,’ he maintained (pretending not to notice), then, ‘Those bastards fired her from her job at the salon, did she tell you?’

‘He’s a thief,’ she interrupted him, coldly.

‘Who is?’

‘Gaffar.’

‘ Gaffar again? Are you obsessed with the poor man? What did he steal?’

She pointed to the photocopied sheets.

Kane looked bemused. ‘But why?’

‘Why what?’

‘Why would Gaffar steal those?’

She shrugged, scratching at her nose. ‘I dunno…’

‘Maybe because you asked him to?’ Kane speculated.

She glared at him, wordlessly.

‘Jesus H , Kell.’

He slowly shook his head.

‘You thought I stole those drugs an’ you sacked me ,’ she whined, rapidly back-pedalling, ‘but I never stole them…’

‘Fine.’

Kane shrugged.

‘Whaddya mean, “fine”?’

‘I believe you. I believe you didn’t steal them. I apologise for accusing you. I was wrong.’

‘It was Beede what stole them,’ she blurted out, unable to contain herself.

He stared at her, blankly.

‘Beede,’ she repeated, almost guiltily.

‘He told you that, did he?’

‘No.’ She shook her head, plainly surprised by the casualness of his reaction. ‘I worked it out.’

‘How?’

‘I dunno. He stole them to pay back the bitch who killed Paul. Your ex . Seems like those two’ve been gettin’ pretty cosy …’

‘That’s bullshit,’ Kane scoffed, ‘and, strictly speaking, Paul isn’t actually dead , is he?’

Her jaw dropped. ‘That’s exactly what your stupid dad said…’

‘Well he isn’t, is he? He’s just…’

‘What is it with the two of you lately?’

She gazed at him, perturbed.

Kane stood up. ‘I gotta go,’ he murmured, ‘I need a smoke…’ He felt around in his pockets for his cigarettes. ‘And I’m sorry about all that other shit,’ he said, pulling out his phone and inspecting it ‘…the drugs, your leg…’

‘All that other shit?’ she echoed, blankly.

He shoved the phone away again. ‘I’ll have a quiet word with Gaffar. I’ll tell him to back off…’