Nicola Barker - Darkmans

‘Really?’

She continued to stare up at him, expectantly.

‘It was called The Very Special Child ,’ he finally elucidated. ‘I was played by John Cusack. My wife was the girl who played Phoebe in Friends . I met her at the premiere, in fact…’ he laughed, wryly. ‘She was extremely charming…’

‘And who played Eva?’

‘A young actress called Maya Coales. Have you heard of her?’

Elen shook her head.

‘No. Nor had I. But she was tremendous. She’d been a regular in kids’ tv drama for years, apparently, but this was her first major role. She was passionate about the part. Incredibly conscientious. She actually came to live with us for a few weeks before she began filming…’

‘That must have been strange,’ Elen murmured.

‘Not only strange but extremely challenging…’

‘How, exactly?’

‘Well…’ he gave his answer a few, brief moments’ consideration ‘…because I suppose I’d taken a kind of refuge in the book — almost without realising it — in the act of writing it, crafting it, honing it. It was like this perfect, totally self-contained little bubble…’ he frowned, ‘but then suddenly this young woman turns up, and she’s asking so many questions. Questions I hadn’t been able to ask before, questions I hadn’t wanted to ask. Questions I’d avoided to some extent…’

He cleared his throat and grimaced.

‘Don’t be so hard on yourself,’ Elen murmured.

‘I’m not…’ he scowled, confused, ‘or if I am, then it’s because I need to be. It’s important not to forget, not to…I don’t know…’ he scratched at his ear and mused for a moment. ‘The awful truth is that in some sick and twisted way writing the book has allowed me to become the inadvertent beneficiary of Eva’s tragedy — all the literary plaudits, the glamorous film premieres, the financial rewards…They don’t sit comfortably with me, and nor should they. Because no matter how you look at it, we made mistakes with Eva — I mean as parents— serious mistakes. Eva was a special case. We needed to…’ he shook his head. ‘There were things we could’ve done. Things we should’ve done…’

‘But Eva’s gone ,’ Elen said softly. ‘Isn’t that punishment enough?’

He smiled at her, vaguely. ‘Writing the book was one thing,’ he confided, ‘but to sit there — in the cinema — and suddenly see everything flashing past in this awful, brash technicolour. To see Eva’s life so…I don’t know… reduced. To see everything drawn in such stark, simple strokes…’ he shook his head. ‘Her life was the opposite of that. It was chaotic and fragile and contradictory…just…well, a mess , really…’ he shrugged. ‘If there’s one thing I’ve learned from all of this it’s that life— real life — can’t ever be drawn that neatly and cleanly. Eva’s life was a jumble of bad lines, smudges, half-erased ideas…’

‘A mess of sweat and blood and snot…’

‘ Exactly .’ He nodded, emphatically. ‘One of the worst things about the film was how they dealt with her death. Eva was kidnapped by the SLA — the Sudan Liberation Army, but in the film they confused them with another anti-government militia called the JAEM — who have strong Islamic connections. They implied that the troubles in the Sudan were based on an Arab/African conflict, although the truth couldn’t actually be more different…It’s an economic, a political — an environmental —catastrophe, not a cultural one. And that was something which Eva herself felt very strongly about…’

‘When my father drowned,’ Elen suddenly interrupted him, ‘I did everything I could to lay blame — to seek retribution. It was exhausting and horrible and — I don’t know…counter-productive, even, but it kept him alive. It made him breathe again. And at the time I really needed that. It’s what got me through…’ she shrugged. ‘I suppose what I’m trying to say — in my own clumsy, roundabout way — is that Eva gave her life for what she believed in. Hers was such an enormous sacrifice. And perhaps you just need to keep reminding yourself of that fact. Step back and really allow her choices to mean something, respect them, allow Eva and what she was to transcend all this other stuff — all the pointless regrets and the misunderstandings. Because if you can’t…’ she shrugged, helplessly, ‘then you’re diluting what’s true about her…’

She frowned. ‘If you feel confused or depressed about things, just try and focus in on the pure idea of Eva, on the gestures she made, the defiance she showed, on the moment , the fire …Remember that everything else is just a distraction. An aside. A footnote…’

He stared at her as she spoke, frowning slightly. He focussed in on her eyes, at first, then his gaze moved to her mouth.

‘That’s beautiful,’ he murmured softly, once she’d finished.

She turned and glanced around the room, embarrassed.

‘Have you lived here long?’ she wondered.

‘Uh…’ It took him a moment to snap out of his reverie. ‘Yes. No . I mean I don’t really live here. It was a holiday home when the kids were young, and now it’s my retreat. My study. It’s where I come to work, mainly…’

‘It’s lovely. Very…’ she smiled, ‘ cosy .’

‘An awful mess, you mean?’ he said, teasingly.

‘No. Very cosy. Very snug …’ she grinned.

Silence

‘I suppose I should be thinking about getting back…’

She reached out and grabbed a hold of the box.

‘She didn’t die,’ he said, suddenly.

‘Pardon?’

‘I couldn’t…’ he frowned ‘…this is ridiculous .’ He put a hand to his forehead. He seemed intensely confused.

‘Eva didn’t die,’ he repeated. ‘It wasn’t…I mean I don’t even know why I’m telling you this. I just can’t keep on…’ he almost burst out laughing. ‘It’s just…It’s become…The truth is that she faked her own death.’

‘What?’

Elen’s grip tightened on the box.

‘She fell in love with a Sudanese warlord. Not even a warlord, actually — a least there’d be a kind of glory to that — just some local smalltime thug. She converted to Islam. She simply wanted to disappear, she said. So they concocted this scheme. She wanted to be dead to us . Her family. Her past. Her former dreams. So she killed herself. She killed the Eva she was. But she isn’t dead. She’s alive. I went to the Sudan. I found her there…’

‘But what about the book?’ Elen asked, appalled. ‘And the film ?’ ‘The book had already been published. The film was in post-production. I went on a kind of pilgrimage because of some of the things that young actress — Maya — had brought up…And then, when I found out — I mean how ironic, when you think about it…this story was so much more extraordinary, so much more harsh and cruel than anything those movie people could’ve conceived of…And when I found out…well, I just couldn’t bear …’ He covered his face with his hands.

‘Good God,’ Elen said, staring at him, in horror.

‘Yes.’

They remained silent for a while.

‘I was a failure,’ he said. ‘As a father, as a teacher…even as a chronicler of my own daughter’s demise. And my punishment is to be internationally celebrated for the very thing I was a failure at.’

‘What about your wife?’

He shook his head. ‘I didn’t tell her. I haven’t told her.’