Nicola Barker - Darkmans

‘ Under the average?’ The man seemed amazed. ‘They must be deaf and blind…’

Elen said nothing.

‘I mean he’s only five years old and he’s using synonyms. He’s experimenting with the Latin root. Surely that’s exceptional by any standard?’

Elen’s cheeks reddened with a combination of pride and anxiety.

‘John told his wife that the queen was deaf,’ Fleet began chatting away again, ‘so when the queen summonsed her to court to talk about all the bad things John had done — to try and get her to make him stop — his wife shouted at the queen so that the queen might hear her. Then the queen shouted back because John had told the exact same thing to the queen about his wife…’

He giggled. ‘Instead of making things better, they was just shouting at each other. And the more they was shouting the more crosser they got…’

The man listened intently to the boy’s chatter, his head cocked.

‘He got paid back in the end, though,’ Fleet ran on, with apparent satisfaction, ‘because the queen told the king about it.’

‘And what did the king do?’ the man wondered.

‘Nothing. But he warned John, in private. He said, “Stop teasing the queen!”’

‘And did he?’

Fleet looked astonished. ‘ Stop?! Of course not. The next day he pulled down his trousers in the queen’s private chambers…’

‘His trousers ?’ the man repeated, alarmed.

‘Yes. It was horse play…’ Fleet trotted gaily around on the shingle, whinnying. ‘He was pretending to be a horse , see?’ he chortled.

‘Goodness me. And how did the queen respond?’

‘She was furious. She went straight to Edward and she forced him to choose…’

‘Between her and John?’

‘No. Between John and Jane Shore.’

‘Jane Shore?’ The man scowled. ‘How does she enter the story?’

Fleet rolled his eyes, despairingly: ‘Edward was in love with her, of course.’ ‘In love?’

‘She was his maîtresse .’

‘His maîtresse ?’

‘Yes.’

The man mulled this over for a moment and then the penny suddenly dropped. ‘ Ah ,’ he said, ‘his mistress . I see …So who did he choose?’ he asked.

‘He chose his hure …’

‘Fleet!’ Elen chastised him. ‘Enough!’

But Fleet ignored her. ‘He told John to leave the court, and said if he ever came back he would set the hounds on him…’

He snapped at the air again: ‘ Beita! ’

‘So did John ever dare come back?’ the man wondered.

‘Oh yes,’ Fleet smiled, as if delighted by the question, ‘John always comes back. That’s the whole point .’

‘And did the king set the dogs on him?’

‘Yes.’ Fleet nodded. ‘But John was too clever for him. Because when he came back he brought a fast hare, hidden in a sack. He waited for Edward to release the dogs, and then, when they was right in front of him, he set the hare free…’

Fleet re-enacted the scene.

‘Weeeeeee!’

The man chuckled.

‘…and it ran and ran…’ Fleet clapped his hands, laughing, watching the hare, cheering it on, ‘and the dogs followed the hare and not John, see?’

‘My. That was very clever of John,’ the man indulged him.

‘Yes. And John thought the king would think so, too. But he didn’t…’

‘Enough now, Fleet,’ Elen interrupted. She smiled over at the man, apologetically.

‘So what did the king do?’ the man asked, ignoring her intervention and squatting down, stiffly (in his ungainly boots), so that his head was now at a level with Fleet’s.

‘It was very hard for Edward,’ Fleet explained, ‘because John always made him laugh. John wasn’t like the other fools. He was educated . He was a scholar. He went to Oxford, you know. John was a Master of Farts .’

The man blinked.

‘John had lib… lïber …’ Fleet scowled, trying to wrangle the word. ‘ Liber ,’ the man interrupted, glancing up at Elen, ‘is Latin for “free”. It’s at the root of the modern English words liberty and libertine…’ Elen smiled, then nodded, almost too brightly.

‘I’m actually quite a keen, amateur linguist,’ he added, by way of explanation.

Fleet didn’t seem to register this interruption. He just ploughed on, regardless: ‘The queen wanted to throw John in the tower,’ he said, ‘but the king still loved John, so he came up with a clever idea…’ ‘Did he indeed?’

‘Yes. He called John to him and told him to return the hare.’

The man frowned, confused. ‘How d’you mean, exactly?’

‘The fast hare. The king said he wanted it. John said, “I can get you another hare, but not that one. It’s a fast hare and it’s gone…”’ Fleet paused, speculatively. ‘Although not in those words, because they spokes in all different ways back then…’ he grimaced. ‘But the king wouldn’t change his mind. He said, “I don’t care if it’s gone, John. I want it and you shall bring it to me.”’

‘Well he’s the king ,’ the man shrugged. ‘He can do as he likes, I suppose…’

‘Exactly,’ Fleet nodded. ‘But John says, “Where will I look?”’

‘Good point…’

‘And the king says…’ Fleet paused as if he was about to say something highly ingenious, ‘the king says, “Thou must look him as well where he is not , as where he is.”’

The man bent in still closer to the boy, frowning. ‘Say that again?’ ‘Thou must look him as well where he is not , as where he is.’

‘I see. Okay . And is that what John did?’

‘Yes. He had to. Because that was what the king wanted.’

‘And did he ever find the hare?’

‘The same fast hare?!’ Fleet exclaimed. ‘Don’t be stupid ! He was never meant to find it.’

‘ Fleet …’ Elen interrupted.

‘The king knew he would never find it. That’s why he asked.’

‘My. So is that how the story ends?’

‘No,’ Fleet shook his head, regretfully.

‘It isn’t ? Dear oh dear…’ the man glanced up at Elen, with a smile, but Elen wasn’t smiling.

‘John was very angry about being sent away,’ Fleet explained, ‘but he pretended it was all a joke — same as he always does — and just as soon as he got a chance he escaped his guards and he climbed up on to the roof of the palace. There was tiles all around him, so he grabbed one and he threw it down into the courtyard…’

Fleet mimed John hurling down a tile: ‘Then another one, and another …’

Fleet threw down more tiles, with ever-increasing violence.

‘Everybody was running away and hiding. They was scared . They thought he was gone mad.’

‘Gracious!’ the man was plainly riveted. ‘So what did the king do next?’

‘He sent his soldiers for him and they dragged him down from the roof. The king was very, very cross. He asked John why he was throwing down all the tiles from his roof, but John just laughed and said, “I am looking for the fast hare.” And the king said, “Why would you think a fast hare might be hiding in my roof?” And John said, “I’m looking for him where he is not.”’

Pause

‘It was meant to be funny,’ Fleet said, with a shrug.

‘Who told you this story?’ the man asked, fascinated.

‘John told me.’

‘Really? Is John your friend?’

Fleet gave this a moment’s thought, then, ‘No,’ he said.

‘He’s not your friend?’