Nicola Barker - Burley Cross Postbox Theft

7 I do not mean to include you in this sweeping statement. That would obviously be ridiculous.

8 People refuse to believe that she actually became eligible for a free bus pass last February.

9 And then some! The poor chap’s tall as a door handle but weighs in at over seventeen stone!

10 I’ll abbreviate Mrs Parry from this point onwards, if it’s all the same to you.

11 Did she have it yet? Was it — as I predicted — a bonny little chap with a bright tuft of ginger hair on top?

12 The youngest child’s initials are still scratched into the bark of our old apple tree.

13 His voice ranged over several octaves — although my late wife used to say that while he might reach a note with all apparent ease, he could never actually succeed in holding one for any extended period. I used to tell her that this was simply ‘the rustic style’ (I’m fairly well informed on the subject), but she refused to be convinced.

14 The topiary was never as good after he left.

15 I call it ‘a crime’ although a corpse was never discovered (there were signs of a struggle and several suspicious spots of blood, however).

16 Bertrand Russell, the famous philosopher and coward, apparently stayed there on several occasions.

17 In the early 1990s these letters were adapted into a play called My Dear Hinty… I can’t remember, off-hand, who starred in it — possibly that game young lad who used to ride his bicycle up and down those steep, cobbled streets in the old Hovis adverts. Either way, a dear school friend of mine — Hortensia Sandle, an RE teacher, charming lass, who lived in the Smoke and had a penchant for the theatre — was persuaded to attend the opening night (I’d been given free tickets by Hinty himself, but was a martyr to chronic piles at the time so found it difficult to remain seated for extended periods). I still don’t know for sure what she actually made of the production (one review I read said the direction was ‘all over the shop’), because — for some inexplicable reason — she refused to ever speak to me again afterwards. Very odd.

18 To use the main entrance would actually involve cutting through a yew hedge and then swimming across a large Japanese pond full of ornamental carp.

19 The Morrison line ended with Emily. We had no children of our own — though certainly not through want of trying! Rumour has it that an inappropriate liaison between two first cousins in 1810 caused a genetic weakness in the Morrison gene pool which rendered all subsequent issue physically and reproductively flawed. Aside from her infecundity, Emily had the added distinction of a third nipple. In poor light it could be mistaken for a large mole, but she was very self-conscious about it and always wore a robe whilst lounging by the pool. Once, on holiday in Kenya, she allowed her guard (and the robe) to fall and the mark was spotted by a sharp-eyed cocktail waiter. We were subsequently evicted, unceremoniously, from the hotel. To protect Emily’s feelings I determined to keep the real reason for our eviction hidden from her (and was relatively successful, to boot). She always naively believed that we were turfed out because I queried the bar bill (and gave me no end of stick about it, too!).

20 Who have always been extremely genial landlords and have never sought to interfere with our ready access to the property — although they did kick up quite a stink two years ago when we built our conservatory or ‘sunroom’. Apparently the light reflects quite sharply off its glass roof and can be seen very clearly from the window of their dining room (an added complication is that this small but precious ‘space’ was added to the property with the intention of creating a safe/therapeutic environment for Shoshana to sunbathe, au naturel. The poor creature is prone to seasonal attacks of chronic eczema and constant exposure to gentle sunlight really is the best possible cure).20 Who have always been extremely genial landlords and have never sought to interfere with our ready access to the property — although they did kick up quite a stink two years ago when we built our conservatory or ‘sunroom’. Apparently the light reflects quite sharply off its glass roof and can be seen very clearly from the window of their dining room (an added complication is that this small but precious ‘space’ was added to the property with the intention of creating a safe/therapeutic environment for Shoshana to sunbathe, au naturel. The poor creature is prone to seasonal attacks of chronic eczema and constant exposure to gentle sunlight really is the best possible cure).20 Who have always been extremely genial landlords and have never sought to interfere with our ready access to the property — although they did kick up quite a stink two years ago when we built our conservatory or ‘sunroom’. Apparently the light reflects quite sharply off its glass roof and can be seen very clearly from the window of their dining room (an added complication is that this small but precious ‘space’ was added to the property with the intention of creating a safe/therapeutic environment for Shoshana to sunbathe, au naturel. The poor creature is prone to seasonal attacks of chronic eczema and constant exposure to gentle sunlight really is the best possible cure).20 Who have always been extremely genial landlords and have never sought to interfere with our ready access to the property — although they did kick up quite a stink two years ago when we built our conservatory or ‘sunroom’. Apparently the light reflects quite sharply off its glass roof and can be seen very clearly from the window of their dining room (an added complication is that this small but precious ‘space’ was added to the property with the intention of creating a safe/therapeutic environment for Shoshana to sunbathe, au naturel. The poor creature is prone to seasonal attacks of chronic eczema and constant exposure to gentle sunlight really is the best possible cure).

21 Which I won’t bore you with here.

22 Little Hitlers. It beggars belief that these people actually have the right to claim ‘charitable status’.

23 I am considering trying to claim this same status myself — I’ll be seventy-three in February!

24 And you could hardly call us philistines — Shoshana is actually treasurer of our local History Club!

25 A marvellous, generous, open-minded bunch of individuals (with the odd, notable exception).

26 Last April Shoshana single-handedly staged and organized a charitable quiz night (in conjunction with Radio Wharfedale DJ Mark Sweet) to raise money for repairs to the church organ (which she plays — very competently — whenever the resident organist is away on holiday).

27 Encouraged, in no minor part, by the poison tongue of you know who.

28 Money changed hands. It definitely changed hands. I’m almost 100 per cent sure of it.

29 The cover photo of a booted foot suspended above a huge pile of steaming excrement is certainly eye-catching. Shoshana is very squeamish and will not allow me to keep my copies in the house (even wrong-side-up!) so I have been obliged to resort to storing them — and all correspondence relating to this issue — on a shallow back shelf inside our tiny garden shed.

30 No need to return it. The yellow marks on the back cover are nothing more sinister than grass stains (from where it accidentally fell into my lawnmower’s clippings bin on retrieval).

31 Although felines — very helpfully, but with the odd exception — bury their own.

32 The average age of your Burley Cross resident is fifty-nine (this is a quotable statistic — feel free to use it — I researched it myself).

33 Approximately eighteen months ago.

34 That said, I was utterly appalled by the filth I encountered on a day trip to Haworth in ‘Brontë country’ recently.