Nicola Barker - Burley Cross Postbox Theft

Unbelievable, really, when I actually come to think about it. I was like Erin sodding Brockovich (in the film. Although she actually achieves something worthwhile by the end, and all I’ve done is create a horrible mess — a terrible mess — and make everyone feel even worse about themselves. Well done, Nina! Great work, lass!).

It just kills me when I think back on it, now.

I mean I knew Glenn was married, and that the travel arrangements were difficult for his wife (especially with two young kids to look after and no proper family support to speak of), but I didn’t give a damn about it. Seriously . I was so ready to judge her. I was so busy being the perfect little nurse, bustling around the place in my neat starched blue uniform. So happy playing the part, in other words.

She didn’t stand a chance — not a chance. And Glenn’s… well, he’s just Glenn. He’s just… just the man he is — a bit of a bully, a bit controlling, a bit of a blow-hard, a bit of a ‘glass-half-full’ type of person (with legs or without them). He was vulnerable. He was flailing around. I was just an escape route. Something new. Something that hadn’t actually been destroyed by that land mine. Something positive (or so he thought) to emerge from the whole mess.

I’m not proud of what I did, Dr Bonner. I suppose my head was just turned. I was like some awful Angel of Mercy — a Love Vampire (here we go: that wonderful knack for self-dramatizing you talked so eloquently about!). But it wasn’t even love, was it? Just grandstanding.

And everybody told me it was a mistake (everybody — even Mum!), but would I listen? Would I hell! I’ve always been a pig-headed little cow.

Well, my chickens have certainly come home to roost, now…

You asked me about Divine Retribution, remember? I said I didn’t believe in it — and I honestly don’t think I do — but if I did, then, yes, Nick arriving home (dropping out of the clouds like that — completely without warning) was definitely a strong indicator!

I was so freaked out when I tried to say his name during our session and then found that I just couldn’t — began stuttering like a crazy-woman and then burst into floods of tears! I was mortified! It just stuck in my throat! It was like I could barely get it out of my mouth! Like I was choking on it! I had no idea (till that moment) that I was so cut up about the whole thing, that my feelings were still so strong for him.

After we talked, I really thought about what you said: about how it was crueller to keep Glenn hanging on if I still had such powerful, unresolved feelings for somebody else — no matter how much Glenn said he loved me, or what he was threatening to do to himself if I left (no matter how much of a bastard he was being; the fault was still mine, to some extent. The power was still mine, more to the point). Not that it’s even relevant any more — what with a baby on the way. Nick wouldn’t be interested now. How could he be?

Anyhow, it turns out that he has this amazing American girlfriend! She’s a biochemist or something. She speaks four languages. She’s a really great cook. He’s constantly coming into the post office to get stamps and envelopes for packages he’s sending her. It’s pure torture! He’s so devoted — so dedicated! It’s like he never stops writing to the bloody woman!

Even if I did think I had a hope in hell with Nick (which I obviously don’t), I could never, never jeopardize his current relationship (not after what I did to Glenn and Laura).

I did follow your advice and try to tell him how I felt, though (before I really knew how serious he was about Yasmin). I set up this tour for me and Glenn at RAF Fylingdales (the base where Nick works). I partly did it for him and Glenn to get to know each other better (Glenn’s been so paranoid about him since he saw us having that joke together outside the bank in Ilkley — when I took the piss out of Nick for wearing trainers with his suit. Afterwards he kept making all these loaded comments like, ‘Well, at least he has feet to wear trainers on . Do you like a nice pair of feet in a man, Nina?’ Stuff like that.

It’s just so exhausting, sometimes — second-guessing everything I say around Glenn. Although perhaps it was insensitive of me to kid around with Nick in front of him. I just didn’t really think about it at the time. I was caught up in the moment. Nick seems to have that effect on me).

I also set up the tour in the hope that it might give Glenn the incentive to consider going back to work again. Nick actually told me that he would hire Glenn if Glenn was at all keen on the idea. He insisted that it wouldn’t be as a favour to me, but because Glenn would’ve earned it in his own right (there’s plenty of appropriate work there for someone in a wheelchair. The base is basically just full of nerds sitting around logging space junk all day; it’s pretty static work, but apparently the jobs are really sought after).

It didn’t quite pan out in the end. Glenn was really aggressive with Nick — really hostile. I think it’s probably still too early for him to seek full-time employment. He’s still too raw. And anyway, I get the feeling that a clean break with the military might be necessary (being around other soldiers just seems to be a constant reminder of what he’s lost. I think you may’ve hinted at that possibility during our chat).

One good outcome of the tour was that it finally got him off his arse (out of his comfort zone) and made him think about his long-term goals. He’s considering applying to a college (down south) to do that sound engineering course he’s always fancied. It’s made him think about the future in a more positive light.

Anyway, at the end of the tour I plucked up the courage to tell Nick (on the walk back to the car) about how I’d always had this huge crush on him at school. And guess how he reacted?!

He didn’t!!

It was a disaster!! He just kind of stared at me, blankly. He seemed really confused — even embarrassed. So then I got all embarrassed myself and made a big joke out of it (same as I always do). He then turned on me and started lecturing me about how I’d ‘really changed’ since school. That upset me quite a bit. It was like I’d let myself down or something — like I was this massive disappointment to him now.

He’s always really nice whenever we meet up, though, very attentive, always makes me laugh (which is something I really love about him — and something I’ve really missed, too). But I think it’s more out of pity than anything.

When he finds out I’m pregnant he’s just going to flip! He’ll think I’m such a fool — that I’ve made such a mess of things! And he’ll be completely right! Just the idea of seeing his face when he finds out actually makes me feel physically sick. That’s partly why I’ve decided to do as Glenn wants and move down to Taunton with him. It’ll mean he’s closer to his wife and kids. He has way more friends down there — lots of them pre-army, which is good.

I just think he deserves a fresh start, with my full support. I’m dreading making the move, but it’s a sacrifice I feel I should probably make. And it’s a real sacrifice, for once — a true sacrifice.

On a more positive note, it’ll be a huge relief to get away from this place (Burley Cross — Ilkley — the post office). It’s just too painful seeing Nick around all the time and imagining what could have been if I hadn’t been such a bloody fool. I’m so much in love with him, Dr B — crazy in love with him. Every time that song comes on to the radio (by Jay Z and Beyonce) I just break down in tears.

Pathetic!

I blame it on the hormones.