Nicola Barker - Burley Cross Postbox Theft

LOT 5

Promise made: Nick Endive at 1, The Old Cavalry Yard, The High Street, BC, promised a rare tour of the ‘Space Surveillance Centre’ at RAF Fylingdales (where he is currently employed).

Purchased by: Nina Springhill, 7 Station Road, Ilkley (or c/o BC PO).

Amount paid: £45

Upshot: The tour took place a few weeks back and was accorded a ‘triumph’ by all parties (although I believe there was some difficulty with wheelchair access for Ms Springhill’s disabled beau).

LOT 6

Promise made: Tilly Brooks from Threadbare Cottage, The Calls, promised to decorate a piece of white porcelain — of the purchaser’s choice — with one of her (I must say) incredibly beautiful flower paintings.

Purchased by: PC Roger Topping, 17 Dean Street, Addingham (or c/o Ilkley Police Station).

Amount paid: £95 (much to Tilly’s blatant horror/embarrassment/astonishment!)

Upshot: I think this was a good result, overall, Prue. I know it took a huge amount of persuasion (on your part) to get Tilly to agree to auction some of her work, but the demand for it really was quite substantial! We even had a phone vote for this one: Joanna Jones, who resides part-time in BC at the Winter Barn, started the bidding off — from her studio in London — at £50. The bids then went up in £5 increments until, at £90, the phone line suddenly went dead and PC Topping (who turned up — out of breath — halfway through) was able to secure Tilly’s services for himself! Strange man, the PC. Grows on you, over time (rather like a mould, I suppose). Collects Staffordshire figures, you know. He once confided in me that his father — a manic depressive who died by his own hand when poor PC Topping was ‘naught but a lad’ — had worked for a short but blissful interlude as a painter in the Staffordshire Potteries. Some of PC Topping’s most prized pieces were subsequently bequeathed to him in his father’s will. I must confess that he has a surprisingly sophisticated eye for such a huge, apparently gormless lunk of a man. Ms Jones — by the by — is absolutely furious that she missed out. She gave me quite an earful on the subject when we met up, by chance, at Samson’s Electricals in Ilkley the other afternoon (somewhat unnecessary, I felt… I mean am I now to be held responsible for the vagaries of technology on top of everything else?!).

LOT 7

Promise made: Norma Spoot of 13, The Beck, BC (or c/o Choice Cut’s Butchers, The High Street, BC) promised one of her legendary sponges.

Purchased by: Jonty Weiss-Quinn at Saxonby Manor.

Amount paid: £12

Upshot: Mr Weiss-Quinn bought the cake as a surprise for his wife Rosabella’s birthday (Rosabella wasn’t actually in attendance at the auction), but when Mr Weiss-Quinn confirmed the details with Norma afterwards, he idly let slip that Rosabella was severely gluten intolerant. Poor Norma was utterly horrified! Her ‘legendary’ sponge comes from a recipe that has been in her family for generations. As you will know (probably better than I, Prue), it is soft and light and very, very wheaty (it’s a sponge , for heaven’s sake!). What Mr Weiss-Quinn wanted, in effect, was Norma’s wonderful sponge cake but without its main, constituent ingredient. What he received was a delicious chocolate fridge cake made from dark chocolate, Kirsch, grated almonds and coconut (Norma apparently got the recipe from a gluten-free cake site after several thankless hours spent trawling around on the internet). The ‘sponge’ was delivered to the Manor on Rosabella’s birthday, with due ceremony. Rosabella professed herself ‘delighted’ with it, ate a large, sticky slice and promptly began to gasp (it transpires that Rosabella is also chronically allergic to nuts!). The emergency doctor was called. A buttock-full of anti-histamines/adrenalin was injected. Rosabella’s eyes apparently swelled up ‘like a toad’s’ (the change was almost imperceptible, then. Ho ho!). A weekend trip to London’s Dorchester Hotel was cancelled, and the tickets they’d had booked for Wicked went to waste. (It was Rosabella’s fortieth — I was astonished when I found out. She always looks so effortlessly ‘well-preserved’ I had her down for fifty, at the very least!) The following day a curt card was sent to Norma (via the butcher’s), chastising her for not having informed them, in advance, that such a ‘toxic allergen’ had been ‘thoughtlessly included’ in the cake’s list of ingredients. Norma was understandably furious. ‘I mean what the heck did that pair of gormless idiots think the damn thing was made out of?’(she apparently said afterwards) ‘Gypsy teeth? Fairy eggs? Elf breath?!’ The Weiss-Quinns are now refusing to pay for the cake, ‘out of principle’, and Shayne Spoot, in turn, has unofficially ‘banned’ them from the shop.

LOT 8

Promise made: Jeremy Baverstock of The Retreat promised a ‘no-holds-barred’, private guided tour of the legendary dungeons at Saxonby Manor (parties of up to ten people accepted).

Purchased by: Emily and Duncan Tanner’s son, Ned Tanner (of 3, The Mead, Denby Lane, Fallow Hill) who happened to be visiting his parents in BC on the night of the auction (he’s currently resident in Bradford). It seems his daughter, Cherry (aged seven), is ‘obsessed by Vampires’, and Ned felt it might be useful to try and redirect this (somewhat baroque) fascination of hers in a more traditional, healthy, ‘historical’ direction. Ned is a truly sensitive and wonderful man. It never ceases to amaze me that he managed to turn out so well with such a crazed, hysterical blabber-mouth for a mother.

Amount paid: £27

Upshot: What the lovely Mr Jez Baverstock didn’t get around to telling us all was that he had neglected to acquire permission from the Weiss-Quinns for this wonderfully exciting tour of his. Somewhat perplexingly, Mr Jonty Weiss-Quinn was still in attendance at the auction when this lot was being bid for and yet didn’t see fit to save us all from a world of heartache by speaking up on the issue at the time. Instead he phoned Mr Baverstock afterwards and apparently gave him ‘a piece of his mind’ (it would have to be a small piece, Prue, because it’s a tiny mind. Not by any stretch of the imagination could we count Mr Jonty Weiss-Quinn among the world’s ‘intellectual mammoths’ — although he is, on occasion, quite a cunning little swine). Mr Baverstock professed himself ‘somewhat taken aback’ by Mr Weiss-Quinn’s ‘aggressive, not to say uncharitable attitude’. He claimed that he had conducted ‘numerous’ tours of the dungeons during Lady Beatrix Morrison’s long residency at the Manor (she was ‘constantly pestering’ him to do them, apparently, and, when he did, she invariably tagged along on the tour parties herself because she found Mr Baverstock’s ‘fresh, historical perspective so utterly riveting’!). In fact the Weiss-Quinns were so unnecessarily spiteful and hostile towards Mr Baverstock (and his charitable scheme) that his suspicions were aroused and he promptly decided to conduct a small investigation into the matter using ‘a secret “contact” with ready access to the Manor’ (Sally Trident, I’m assuming. Doesn’t she polish their silver?). Using this ‘secret contact’, Mr Baverstock was soon able to discover that the Weiss-Quinns had actually converted the ancient dungeons into a luxury gym and pool room — without acquiring the requisite planning permission!

Oh -ho!

So what does Mr Baverstock do? How does he choose to respond to this shocking piece of information? But how else , Prue?! Blackmail , of course! He promises to keep their flagrant act of architectural vandalism under wraps if they, in turn, offer him public support over some convoluted rights of access issue he is currently engaged in relating to his small cottage — The Retreat — which is located inside the Manor’s extensive grounds.