Nicola Barker - The Yips

‘Yes. We can all see that she’s not wearing any pants, Riya,’ Aamilah responds, sharply.

‘Which is why we suddenly thought — or at least Aamilah here thought — it might be nice if we could take the two of them over there together so that they could run around and play for a while …’ Farhana battles on, uneasily. ‘We’ve brought a small picnic …’ She indicates towards a large, Tupperware container and a Thermos in the storage space underneath the pram.

‘Well that’s extremely kind of you …’ Valentine starts off.

‘Of course I told her it was a silly idea!’ Farhana genially rounds on her sister. ‘I said, “She’ll probably be busy — it’s all very last minute.” Then I said, “And why on earth would she entrust two complete strangers — one of whom is plainly a maniac — with the care of her precious niece?” Eh?’

Her eyes sparkle.

‘You’re always undermining me, Hana!’ Aamilah hisses, furious. ‘Especially in front of strangers!’

‘I’m not undermining you, Milah,’ Hana snorts, ‘I’m merely stating the obvious!’

‘If something is obvious then it doesn’t need stating, does it?!’ Aamilah snaps.

‘You’ve placed Valentine on the spot,’ Farhana clucks. ‘Look at her! She doesn’t know where to put herself!’

‘No. Not at all. I’m absolutely fine,’ Valentine insists.

‘See? She’s fine!’ Milah grumbles. ‘She’s only embarrassed because you’ve drawn attention to how embarrassed she is!’

‘Listen to what you’re saying!’ Farhana flaps a dismissive hand. ‘ How embarrassed she is! She was already embarrassed when I pointed it out. Her cheeks are flushed.’

‘Her cheeks are fine! It’s only too much make-up, you idiot!’ Aamilah rounds on her sister. Valentine lifts a tentative hand to her cheek.

‘So what about the huge nerve rash on her neck?’ Farhana demands.

‘Farhana! You don’t know how to behave!’ Aamilah’s mortified. ‘I’m so sorry about my sister!’ she gushes.

‘ Urgh! Tit for tat!’ Farhana shrugs, amused.

Valentine can’t help smiling herself.

‘Her name means “Good deeds”,’ Farhana continues, encouraged, thumbing towards her sister. ‘She selected it herself, and I’m afraid she takes it all rather too literally …’

‘Shut up!’ Aamilah’s furious.

‘But you do!’ Farhana laughs. ‘You’re a terrible busy-body! A bull in a china shop!’

‘I’m not a bull! How can you say that?’ Aamilah turns to Valentine, hurt. ‘D’you think I’m a bull?’ she demands.

‘A bull?’ Valentine echoes, barely keeping track of their conversation.

‘ Ho! That’s definitely a yes, then!’ Farhana interrupts, chuckling.

‘No it isn’t!’ Aamilah stamps her foot, livid.

‘Anything other than a decisive no in that particular context is definitely a yes,’ Farhana persists.

Aamilah eyeballs Valentine, piteously.

‘Of course you’re not a … a bull,’ Valentine quickly assures her, ‘I was just … you know … on the phone … and Nessa was about to … to have a bath …’ she continues, awkwardly, staring down at her niece, who, true to form, is now wearing her vest over the back of her head as a hood, the flesh over her bare nipples bulging — compressed by the garment’s skew hem.

‘Good gracious me!’ Aamilah exclaims, pointing, disapprovingly, to the child’s bare genitals. ‘Everyone can see your Nu-nu, child! Where’s your modesty?’

‘Aamilah!’ Farhana exclaims. ‘ Hush! ’ as Valentine leans down and removes Nessa’s vest from the back of her head.

‘Don’t hush me!’ Aamilah snaps. ‘I’m just telling the poor child that it’s wrong to show your Nu-nu to a bunch of complete strangers.’

‘It’s a mother’s job to tell a child such things,’ Farhana cautions her.

‘Her mother’s a drug addict,’ Aamilah scoffs, ‘her grandmother’s two slices short of a loaf, her father’s a hoodlum and her aunt’s too scared to leave the house … Just look at the poor thing — she plainly needs guidance!’

Valentine’s jaw drops, in pure astonishment, at Aamilah’s outrageous impudence.

‘Aamilah!’ her sister whispers, horrified.

‘ What?! ’ Aamilah looks from one woman to the other, indignant. ‘It’s only the truth!’

A brief silence follows as all parties rapidly reassess the situation.

‘Uh … Perhaps that trip to the park …’ Farhana starts off, doubtfully.

‘Rain-check.’ Valentine nods, pulling Nessa, protectively, against her legs.

‘Did I go too far?’ Aamilah asks, eyes widening.

‘Several miles.’ Farhana nods.

Aamilah lifts her niqab . ‘I do this kind of thing all the time,’ she confides, barely apologetic.

‘Never thinks before she speaks.’ Farhana also lifts her niqab. ‘Total idiot. Completely tactless.’

‘Please forgive me!’ Aamilah pleads, grinning, in spite of herself.

‘Not wanting to leave the house is hardly a crime,’ Farhana concedes, ‘in some cultures that kind of behaviour is actively encouraged.’

‘I already apologized, Hana!’ Aamilah clucks. ‘You’re always five steps behind me!’

‘Dustpan and brush at the ready,’ Farhana sighs, long-suffering, ‘sweeping up all the mess.’

Valentine opens her mouth and then closes it again.

‘Can we have a quick word somewhere private, maybe?’ Aamilah suddenly asks, pushing her daughter over to the care of her sister and then threading past Valentine and into the house. Valentine gazes after her, uncertainly (as Aamilah introduces two, random cats to her neatly slippered toe), then apologizes to Farhana (for what exactly she is unsure) before turning to follow her.

Aamilah is comfortably ensconced on the sofa in the sitting room, niqab completely removed, when Valentine arrives there. She pats the cushion beside her.

‘Okay, so I screwed up,’ she says, ‘I just got over-excited, but I actually have something really important to share with you.’

Valentine does not feel inclined to sit down. She remains where she stands, frowning slightly.

‘Nessa,’ Aamilah addresses the child in a gentle, almost keening voice, ‘I see your panties are on the rug over there. Will you pick them up and put them back on again, please? There’s a good girl. Your auntie and I need to have an important conversation, and we can’t do that if we’re all too preoccupied by your Nu-nu, can we, now?’

She pats the cushion again as Nessa heads off, perfectly obligingly, to retrieve her pants. This time Valentine sits down.

‘I just wanted to say …’ Aamilah starts off, then, ‘That’s two legs in one hole, Nessa! Have the sense you were born with, child! Put your other leg in the other hole …’

She observes Nessa’s progress for a few moments. ‘Good job! Well done! And I want you to keep those on now, please, like a proper, grown-up girl, all right?’

Nessa nods.

‘Thank you.’ Aamilah smiles. ‘Now go and play with your dolly. Make sure your dolly is wearing her pants, too, please. And all your other toys as well.’

‘I don’t think her teddies …’ Valentine starts off.

Aamilah flaps an impatient hand to silence her. ‘Teddies too,’ she persists. ‘All good girls and all good toys need to be kept decent at all times.’

Nessa toddles over towards some crayons and paper in the corner of the room.

‘Draw a picture of yourself looking all pretty and decent in your lovely pants,’ Aamilah suggests as Valentine exclaims under her breath — a combination of amazed and amused — at Aamilah’s dogged persistence over this issue.