Thomas McGuane - The Bushwacked Piano

Payne swung his legs over the side of the bed. He looked and felt exhausted. Ann pivoted around toward him, the Nikon to her eye, and photographed him.

It didn’t take her long to find the radio. She turned on a Cuban station with its Sten-gun dance music and began to pachanga up and down the aisle in some inexplicable transport. “Dance?” she called to Payne. He declined. The music was discouragingly loud. He could hardly keep his eye on her as she caromed around the inside of the motor home. Once when she shot by he made a grab for her. She kept streaking around, breasts lunging. “Dance?” she cried again. He refused, watching in wonder, and undressed, folding his clothes. “Wallflower!” He thought this painstaking reserve would be good for things. But he had an erection; so he wasn’t fooling anyone. It was aimed at his own forehead; and he felt a giddiness as of danger. He suddenly believed that the engorged penis acquires all its blood from the brain. He made Ann come over and sit on it; and she got violently exercised by the procedure. At the supreme time, his whole head seemed to be opaque. “Egad,” he barked shortly. Payne really looked at her for the first time that night; she seemed awfully big and the cascade of silver hair disoriented him entirely. When he withdrew, a translucent tendril connected them an instant longer, then fell glistening on one of her perfect thighs.

Payne turned off Radio Havana. Someone was giving the sugar quotas, province by province, arroba by arroba . He found a brownie with walnuts and ate it, not bothering to dress. He had a little drink. He looked around himself. Ann was lying on the couch next to the settee. Overhead a lighting that felt sourceless but was probably fluorescent shone with a lunar absence of shadows. It was like being in an atomic submarine; perhaps, inside a vacuum cleaner was more accurate. Everything was built in. Nothing stood clear of the curved walls. The whole inside of the motor home was a variation on the tube theme. They were in an intestine, Payne thought giddily; and digestion was worse than anything the Waring Blender could do to you.

Payne thought that the rug had been pulled out from under his crazy act. Ann’s was beginning to look a little more marginal than his, if that was possible. Yet he had — he thought — a purpose behind his and still did; which was, in the vernacular, getting it all together. On the old motorcycle excursion, he had tried to draw a line around it all; now he was trying to color it all in.

From time to time that night, drunken shrimpers beat on the door. “Invasion of privacy,” thought Payne. He had nowhere else to put the vehicles; so this activity would have to be discouraged completely. They tried to sleep awhile; but it was never long before the uproar began anew. Then he heard a number of them arguing in some drunk’s comedy and one of them tried to force open the door. “Breaking and entering,” Payne thought. They knew there was a female in here and had gone entirely doggy. The door of the motor home bulged and Ann was frightened completely if temporarily out of her hillbilly act. Payne got up, rifling through drawers.

He found in Clovis’ underwear drawer the revolver he had recently employed to bushwhack the tires on his Hudson Hornet. Payne was wearing only his shorts. Nevertheless, when he opened the door, stepped down and circulated among the drunks with the revolver, he was found to be, in his own way, strangely impressive. The drunks had a leader in the person of a stringy individual with a Confederate flag tattooed on his forearm that said, Hell, no, I ain’t forgetting . This man proposed to disarm Payne and go aboard. He said that anyone who pulled a gun better be prepared to use it. But when Payne took a handful of his cheek, put the barrel of the gun inside of his mouth and offered to blow his brains all over the Gulf of Mexico, there was a loss of interest in tampering with the motor home or going aboard at all. They could tell that Payne had reached that curious emotional plateau which did not necessarily have anything to do with anger that, once gained, let one man kill another. Payne would never have known until he had done it; but complete strangers could tell beforehand. So Payne went back aboard only wondering why he had not been nervous; and not realizing how near he had been to a most significant human act; while the drunks now squealing, revving, popping clutches and roaring off were all somewhat sobered up with how close it had been.

The owner of the bar came out. “Sorry those old boys took it in their heads to pester you. Sorry as hell.”

“No bother at all,” Payne said. The man was studying him, trying to guess how much he would put up with. “I do feel you ought to know that the next time it happens I will kill people.” Payne thought he was telling a lie. The owner’s face whitened.

“I’ll pass that on,” he said.

“In the end they’ll like it that way better.”

The bar owner laughed very slightly.

“I expect they will,” he agreed. “I will sholy pass it on.”

Payne climbed back in and locked the door. Ann looked at him as he put the pistol up. She had photographed him standing in the doorway in his shorts, as he turned back into the artificial light, the revolver hanging by its trigger guard from his forefinger. He looked transported.

“I’m a king bee, baby,” he said.

“Have you fed the bats?” she asked.

First thing in the morning, Payne and Clovis met with a Cuban named Diego Fama who would act as co-foreman and interpreter on the tower project. Clovis wanted to use entirely refugee labor. He said he wanted to do his part to make opposition to Castro attractive.

Diego Fama was a muscular contractor type, his Cuban — Indian physiognomy to the contrary notwithstanding. He had startling big forearms which he crisscrossed high on his chest when listening. He did not speak English particularly well; but listened to the planning with heavy, Germanic attention. He already understood the project better than Payne and Clovis. “Easy job,” he said precisely when the talk was done.

“How long?”

“Under a week.” The news embarrassed both Payne and Clovis with respect to the price they were getting; but not for long.

“How many men?”

“I figure that out,” Diego Fama said. “I say now though possibly twenty of these persons.”

“Where will you find them?” Payne asked.

“I figure that out,” Fama replied balefully.

“And what is your subcontracting charge?”

“Three thousand dollars,” Fama said. It was unbelievably cheap.

“That’s high,” Clovis said, “but we accept. When do we start?”

“Monday in the morning.”

When Fama was gone, Clovis wrote out a bill on the kind of pad waitresses carry and gave it to Payne for examination.

BILL

1 Bat Tower

$16,000.00

1500 Standard Bats

$1500.00

1 Guano Trap w/ storage receptacle

$1000.00

1 Special Epoxy Tropical Paint,

Brushes and Thinner

$500.00

THANK YOU. PLEASE CALL AGAIN

.

“I’m surprised at you,” said Ann back at the motor home, “treating the old fart like that.”

“Are you?”

“He’s scared to death his ailment is going to carry him off.”

“How would it help if I went in and had my butt trimmed?”

“Surprised at you,” she said, “leaving him in the lurch.”