Tim Parks - Rapids

But that’s the first …

Next to myself, her mother is the other worst person for Michela at the moment.

Vince tried to be judicious. In so far, he said, as an attempted suicide is always a cry for help, don’t you think the person, or people cried to should be the ones to respond? Again he saw the girl turn her boat to look back across the water, to her lover.

Clive pulled the cord tight to close his backpack. In that case people would only have to threaten to kill themselves to get exactly what they want, wouldn’t they? There’s still some food in the fridge, by the way, milk and cheese and stuff.

Vince drained his coffee. I’ll tell Mandy, he said. She can use my car. I’ll go back with the minibus.

Clive stopped. As if making a considerable concession, he interrupted his packing and came to sit at the counter on the other stool. He was very close now. He pulled a tin of rolling tobacco from his pocket. Again Vince was aware of the shape and power of the forearms lying on the counter as they rolled the cigarette. The fingers were thick but nimble.

Mandy won’t do it, Clive said, nor will Keith, because they are in loco parentis as far as the younger kids are concerned. And Adam is the wrong person.

We’ll see, Vince replied. I don’t know the terms of their contract, but I can’t see why one of them couldn’t stay. Like I said, I can leave my car. Actually, Adam seems perfectly suitable to me, if he can get the time off work.

Clive lit his cigarette, narrowed his eyes. Listen, I’ve been thinking about this all evening. Again he was searching for eye contact. I’d rather it was you, Vince.

Vince laughed. Clive, he said softly. He adopted the voice of the older wiser man addressing an over — enthusiastic employee. Clive, listen, I’m a bank director. I have just taken my longest holiday in ten years. I am expected back in the hot seat on Monday morning. There will be hundreds, literally hundreds, of e — mails to answer, reports to consider, a team of accountants awaiting my instructions. I have responsibilities, Clive. The person who has to stay here, with his girlfriend, is you.

Clive smoked. It is towards three in the morning. Around them the camp is quite silent, so that they can almost feel its silence and darkness tugging at them. I pulled her out of the water, he said. And now I’m going to do what she expects me to do. I have my responsibilities too.

Like shouting at a demonstration? I can’t imagine in her present state Michela cares too much about that.

I’ve got something important to do, Clive said evenly. She will tell you. Otherwise I wouldn’t be going. They both sat on their stools by the counter with the room’s one dim light reflecting in the thin glass of the window beside them. Vince could hear the other man’s breathing, then the whine of a mosquito. Both smiled. Vince waved his hand.

That was quite a river today, Clive said after a moment. You enjoyed it.

Vince nodded. But he was not a man people could just push around. All my old professional self is coming out, he realised. Getting to my position in life is not just a question of a way with figures.

Clive was studying him. At the beginning of the week, you’d never have been able to do it.

No, Vince admitted. No, it felt good today.

You’ve learned a lot.

Vince waited.

And it’s not just a question of the proper BCU strokes, is it? In a certain sense, it’s not even to do with paddling.

No, Vince agreed. It’s not just a question of paddling.

It has to do with the spirit, Clive said, breathing smoke. He hurried on. There’s no point in denying that, is there? So why be afraid of the word?

It’s to do with the personality, Vince said carefully. That’s for sure.

Clive told him: So, you keep an eye on Michela, then you can go out on the river again if you like. Go and ask at the rafting club; they’ll give you a guide. There’s always someone.

Vince laughed with exasperation. But I told you, I have a job.

Clive again blew out a ring of smoke. I chose you, he said, because the sheer fact is, that you want to stay. Don’t you?

No, I don’t. I’d be letting people down.

Crap. Clive checked his watch. He stroked his beard. Isn’t it a bit ironic, he began again, that a guy who supposedly has so much power and influence and money, a guy at the top of his career, isn’t even free to take an extra few days off when he wants? He’s in such a straitjacket, serving multinationals and the like.

Vince sighed. Clive, listen, to do anything, or become anyone, you have to get involved with a group, don’t you? You have to accept a yoke, something that allows you to gear into the world. Otherwise you’re just a loose cannon. Even in the kind of politics that you are in, you have to be part of a group. You can’t go and demonstrate on your own. You wouldn’t achieve anything. I chose the bank ages ago and I’m committed. Then he added: It’s like a marriage.

Clive immediately took a deep breath and raised his eyebrows. Vince himself wondered why he had said this. The other man sensed his confusion. It’s only four days, he said. At most you lose a week. If you’re really so important, they’ll wait. If you’re not, who cares anyway?

Now Vince thought: that’s actually true. Suddenly he wondered why he was resisting so much.

I should be back Thursday, Clive said softly. Towards evening.

What do you mean, should be?

The return flight is Thursday. The next group arrives on the Saturday. He added, If it’s really like a marriage, your job, a wife waits, doesn’t she? You’re not betraying anyone, are you?

Vince stared.

You’re not that kind of person, Clive said. Nor am I for that matter. The cigarette was down to a soggy butt drenched in tar. Clive dropped it in his mug and wiped his hands on his jeans. It really is important that I go.

If I’m going to stay, Vince said, you could at least tell me what’s going on between you and Michela, why you think she did it, how I’m supposed to behave.

Smiling broadly, Clive jumped to his feet. Thanks, he said. For just a moment, he took Vince’s arm and squeezed it. The grip was powerful, but somehow furtive too, an end, not a deepening of intimacy. I was forgetting. I must give you her health card. Any expenses— sometimes they have a charge for scans and things— keep track and I’ll pay when I get back.

Clive!

She can tell you, he said. His voice was petulant now.

You’re scared, Vince said quietly. If I am going to stay, you can do me the favour of telling me why you think she did it.

I’m not scared. Clive spoke abruptly. And I’m not going to tell you anything.

Why wouldn’t you tell me, if you weren’t scared?

Because it’s none of your business! And believe me if I was scared I’d tell you right away. Anything I’m scared of I do at once.

If I stay, it becomes my business, Vince said.

All at once, Clive seemed quite beside himself. He turned. Vince was still sitting, quiet and curved, on the stool by the counter. Are you going to hit me now? he asked.

Clive must have seen himself in the window behind Vince’s head. He stepped back. Sorry, it’s been a hell of a day, he said. I took a few knocks myself. Listen, Vince— he seemed to be thinking quickly, shrewdly— it’s been a big shock for me, Micky doing that. You know? It’s painful to think about. He pursed his lips, ran his tongue behind them. In the end, what can I say, it’s just a banal break — up, men and women, you know, different thoughts about the future. The sheer fact is, we were more together for the politics than anything else. Just a regular break — up.

That’s not true, Vince said. Anyone can see you two are in love. Both of you. The way you look at each other, the way you keep touching.