Tim Parks - Rapids

Clive and Adam slithered down the slope to scout. They have found an understanding, Michela noticed. She sat apart from the others, her body numb, her mind fixed. I am not going back to the campsite, she decided, not to the chalet. Clutching her knees, she rocked back and forth in the damp pine needles. It was like the moment on the train between Brescia and Milan when she had told herself that she would never see her mother again. That’s it. I will never speak to you again. This clarity is a relief. She didn’t question the moment with Vince beneath that thunder of water. She didn’t see the wooded slope in the rain. Her head is leaden. But she knows: I’m not going back.

Do — able, Clive announced, but only if everyone’s feeling positive. While the instructors were away, Phil had been going over and over the accident with the others. When I started to go under the tree, I thought I was dead. There was like, this roar of noise. I was grabbing at the branches, shitting myself. I must have swallowed a bathtub full. From time to time, as he spoke, the boy had fits of shivers. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, he shook his head fiercely from side to side.

They were sitting on their upturned boats on the path in their uncomfortable waterproof clothes. Now Clive appeared from the woods with his solemn smile, weighing them up. Time for a morale massage, kids, he said. You’ve got to tell yourselves that essentially nothing has happened and that you’re going to go on paddling just the same way you did this morning. Like gods. When no one replied, he said slowly: In the end, it’s all here folks, he touched his forehead just above the nose. It’s just a question of believing you can do it. It’s in your head. Phil, he went on briskly, you take my paddle and I’ll use the splits. It was a BCU rule that a trip leader carried a collapsible paddle. But Phil said no. He was shaking his head wildly. No way he was going back on the water. No fucking way. I’ve got a flask of tea, Adam told him. Warm you up. Come on. Then Mark said: Don’t chicken out, Phil. Suddenly Max was on his feet. Shut up! he shrieked. You fucking stupid wimp! How can you talk about chickening out? Phil nearly fucking died. He was choking. It’s a miracle that bloke was there. And you, you … Max seemed about to explode with frustration. You’re useless! You’re shitting in your pants the whole time.

Two years older, Mark muttered, I didn’t mean anything. I … Just stay out of it, Adam told his son quietly. He said nothing to Max. If you really can’t, Clive told Phil quietly, then I suppose you can climb up to the road and just wait for as long as it takes for us to come and pick you up. We’ll get someone else to volunteer to stay with you. But it can’t be me or Adam. There have to be two instructors with the group. Then Amelia said, actually, if she wasn’t mistaken, the road must be on the other side of the gorge. And she was right.

The pressure of the group now was to get the boy back on the water. There was some discussion. The leaders couldn’t decide how much of an emergency this was. The day hung in the balance. What’s the water like, Phil eventually asked. Adam said coolly: More or less the way you’ve always wanted it, Phil. Worst comes to worst, Clive said, you can ferry over to the other side and climb to the road there. But everybody remembered that the road had been dizzyingly high, right at the top of the gorge. As they set up a rope and sling to lower the boats down, Michela got to her feet and walked over to Vince. At once he was tense with expectation. She put her mouth to his ear: He wants to save the whole world and now someone in his own little kayak group is going to die. Vince was shocked. The girl’s face was pale with anger and scorn. Her dark eyes were gleaming. As he was trying to think what to reply, she turned away.

We should abort, Adam announced. Half an hour later they had got the boats lined up in a thicket of young saplings precariously rooted over a drop of perhaps four feet into a roar of muddy water. The river has come up two or three inches, Adam insisted, in the time it’s taken us to bring the boats down. I’ve got my mobile in the dry — bag, he said. We can call Keith and sort something out.

Michela said, Really, it’s fine. There’s nothing specially difficult from here on. Vince stared at the swollen water. A couple of small planks came tumbling down, part of a broken pallet perhaps. We should abort, Adam said firmly. Your dad’s scared you won’t be able to make it, Max taunted Mark. Max! Clive said. Shut it! Okay? Enough! Now listen, come round— they were huddled on the mud among the thin trees— listen, if we played it strictly by the rule book, I think Adam would be right. We can rig up a pulley across the river, do a rope — assisted ferry — glide, climb about a thousand feet and spend till midnight and gone getting the boats out.

He paused. The others were watching. Amelia was trying to press the water out of her hair. But I’m for running it, kids. The higher water will make it faster. A lot of the usual obstacles will have gone under, so it’s going to be less technical, just a bit wilder if you have to swim. He spoke calmly, but very intensely, turning his bright eyes from one to the other. All the afternoon’s poor light seemed to be drawn into his face. Obviously, one or two of us are at the limits of our ability here, but that’s when an experience helps you grow, doesn’t it? Now who’s for it?

Me, Michela said in a flat voice.

Me, Amelia echoed.

There was a powerful charisma emanating from the bearded man. I don’t want to put any pressure on anyone, he added. It was a lie.

Well, I’m not for walking, Brian grinned.

That made three, four with Clive. Adam cut in: The rule is, we don’t do anything beyond the ability of the weakest member of the group. Especially if there’s real risk of serious injury. And that’s undeniable. The weakest member of the group was clearly Mark, but Adam didn’t say this.

Okay, I’ll get back in, Phil said, I’ll try it. He grinned, but it still wasn’t his old voice. If you think I’m up for it, like.

Vince wavered. The water was frightening. It was only Clive’s will that was pulling them round. I’ll give it a go, he eventually said.

But Adam seemed extremely agitated. Had he promised something to his wife? I’ll stay behind with you, he suddenly announced to Mark. The boy hesitated. The launch looked daunting to a degree. There was no eddy here to hide in. They must push the boats through the bushes, climb in right on the edge, then plunge four or five feet straight into the brown flood with a rock to get pinned on only ten yards downstream.

You can’t stay if we go, Clive said calmly: the rules demand two instructors.

So you can’t go if we stay, Adam said.

The antagonism had surfaced again. But Clive seemed more relaxed and authoritative now than when the problem was politics. His face radiated that manly reassurance that had made Michela fall in love with him. I’m the river leader, he said quietly.

It doesn’t make sense to go, Adam said, if we think there’s a real danger.

There’s always a real danger, Michela said quietly. Just being alive.

Vince felt the anxiety of not understanding what was going on. The girl had been silent all day. What was at stake? Why did she insist now? Then, pushing his fringe from his eyes, raising his thin nose in a sort of defiance, Mark said, I wanna do it. He hesitated. Let’s hammer on down, he said. Let’s do it.

On one condition, Clive cut in quickly. We forget all arguments, okay? Max? Mark? Amelia? All individual niggles. Forgotten. Is that clear?

Alles klar, Max said. He turned and offered a hand to Mark. The boy took it. His narrow eyes were full of anxiety.