Bensalem Himmich - A Muslim Suicide

The students all assumed that this expression of wonderment on my part was actually a question addressed to them. "Indeed we do!" they replied in unison.

"In that case make no copy of what I've just been saying," I told them, to indicate that the session was about to come to a close. "The message lies in direction and method, not in the actual contents or the text itself. Whoever finds himself in need of the latter, let him delve deeply into his own self and place it on the touchstone of higher things. He may then join those who are investigating the different aspects of my work, The Epistle of Complete Comprehension. As the Qur'an puts it, people `who only encounter their own effort' [Qur'an, Sura 9, v. 79].

"Let me tell you all what happened to me on one occasion with one of God's itinerant saints. I sought to follow him and immerse myself in the river of his wisdom, but he astonished me by upbraiding me with these words: `Make sure you never memorize what I'm telling you!' He thereby unleashed the reins for contrasts and the potential truths of contradiction, so much so that the pillars of place trembled at the sheer force of his modesty while the vessels of consciousness were almost smashed by the very power of his presence. So, all of you should bear that in mind and take note!…"

Now everyone stood up silently. I went out to make arrangements for Salman's livelihood. He put my cloak on me, then hugged me. I embraced him too, and noticed a tear in his eye. We all made for the door. I found that I could not help weeping as I made my way through the crowd of students and neighbors. One by one they embraced me; they were obviously deeply moved and invoked the most powerful prayers on my behalf. I mounted the horse that had been made ready for me, then proceeded on my way, with a guard on either side and the students following behind on foot. They kept waving farewell and shouting words of thanks and praise to God. As I reached the southwest edge of the city, their steps and voices gradually receded and then disappeared completely…

FAREWELL THEN, River Segura, you who have always spread brilliant verdant foliage on your banks!

Farewell, plants and crops growing in rich and plentiful gardens and meadows…!

Farewell, magical, time-honored Cartagena…!

Fields and valleys, hills and mountains covered with lush, interlacing trees of all kinds, I bid you all adieu!

I started taking in all the beauty and splendor of this land, but only in a secretive kind of way since I had no desire to exacerbate the pain of my enforced departure. There I was, now condemned to evacuate along with many others, wave after wave. As the procession slowly made its way southward, I must assume that I stayed in this frame of mind; indeed I remained distracted for the entire day. It made no difference whether the road allowed us to move at speed or forced us to slow down. With the first signs of nightfall I was forced to gather my thoughts and find somewhere to sleep in guest-houses and convents, of which I can only recall a convent in the town of Lorca and a guest-house in Wadi Ash.

It was close to sunset when we reached the eastern outskirts of Granada. I was met by a horseman who greeted me warmly and claimed to be acting on behalf of my elder brother, Abu Talib. He had been charged, he said, with taking care of me and guaranteeing my safe passage to Morocco. I made it clear to him that I was fully aware of the import of his task and preferred to be cooperative rather than obstructionist. He strongly suggested that I spend the night at a monastery close by that would suit my inclinations, so I agreed to go there. At the gate I and my companions were greeted by the shaykh. He had a special word for me: "You'll sleep especially well at the Al-'Iqab Monastery, my dear Sir…"

Once I was on my own in the room, I had some misgivings about this envoy from my brother and the Banu Hud, not to mention the very name of the monastery, one that inevitably brought to mind the terrible defeat the Muslims had suffered at the beginning of this cursed century in which we were living. In the middle of the night I felt beset by a series of worries that I recognized very well, since they were deeply ingrained in my soul. The only way I was able to overcome them was by reciting prayers and supplications. After that I slept lightly but peacefully.

Next morning I had some breakfast, then went up to the roof to take a look at Granada, with all its buildings, gardens, and palaces. I focused in particular on the magnificent Islamic monuments, although my admiration was tempered by worries about the city itself and the unseen dangers that it might still have to confront. While I was recalling the things I knew about Granada, past and present, a messenger arrived to convey greetings and inform me that my possessions had all been sent ahead by expedited service to Algeciras. He explained the process by saying that the idea was to save me any bother and hasten my arrival at my destination. I inquired about the two guards who had accompanied me this far, and he informed me that they had been paid the price of the horse that was now my property and had now returned whence they came. I paid him the amount due, mounted my horse, and continued on my journey. He stayed with me as we traversed the roads around Granada and started on the road toward Malaga. At that point he excused himself, saying that he had some personal business to attend to, and bade me farewell, expressing the hope that he might see me again on my next visit to Spain.

That is how I came to part company with the spy who had been sent to make sure that I did indeed leave, and with no palpable regrets. Behind me I left Granada, with its Nasrid* dynasty sporting themselves in its pools. I spent one night in Malaga and another in Estabona before finally reaching Algeciras at noon on a day in Rajab of the year 640 [1242 CE]. To my surprise I found the Banu Hud spy standing in front of me once again like some sprite springing up from nowhere. After greeting me, he grabbed hold of the reins of my horse and led me over to a sailing vessel at anchor. Showing me my baggage, he started putting it on my horse, then headed back to land-all the while wishing me a safe journey.

The ferryboat set off on its voyage. I sat myself down in an isolated corner; for a time I thought about the weather, but then I stole glances at the people all around me. Most of them looked exhausted and downcast. Once in a while a few of them did manage to muster a laugh, whether out of sheer anxiety or to make the time go quicker.

I was sitting by the stern. A beggar kept walking past with his thurible and prayers while another one kept uttering incantations. I gave them whatever alms I could afford.

Before the crossing came to an end, a middle-aged woman sat down beside me and started nursing her baby with her breast fully exposed. To my left was a man who looked like a merchant, snoring away in a deep slumber. I closed my eyes, hoping to find deep within me something to distract me from the breast on the one hand and the snoring on the other, but to my surprise the woman asked me to listen to the story she wanted to tell me and then to give her advice.

"My life has been full of calamities, dear Sir," she told me, "and I am beset with worries. After prayers to God I protest the way a man from Tarifa has behaved. The fates have clearly allowed him to overwhelm me. He pronounced the threefold divorce on me, then married me to another man, but only so that he could marry me again. But the second time the complaints he made against me were even worse. I told him to bring witnesses to confirm his accusations of fornication against me, but the only witnesses he had were the ones he saw in his dreams. A corrupt sorceress had told him that his dreams were true, but he would not tell me her name. He then converted to Christianity and refused to acknowledge that he was this child's father. Once that happened, I asked him to be rid of me, and he agreed, but only on condition that I cross the straits and never come back. So here I am, Sir, just as you see me, totally deprived and with no way of eking out a living or meeting my child's needs."