Bensalem Himmich - A Muslim Suicide

"Good heavens! And after the ride, then what?"

"What Rahil says is that you need to leave some of your clothes behind, along with a lock of your hair. From time to time you should write her a letter with some kind words in it to cheer her up, assuming that you won't be able to visit her."

I gestured my agreement. "The ride first then," I said. "Tell her ahead of time so that she'll sleep well and have her ready tomorrow morning."

With that I left to give myself time to pack up the rest of my books and possessions. That done, I went to my house in the hope of getting some undisturbed slumber.

Immediately after breakfast and prayers next morning I left for our rendezvous. There I found Zaynab and Rahil, who had just finished putting Maymuna on the mule and loading it with a pannier full of various things. I greeted the trio with a warm smile, genuine enough to have a good effect on them all. For Maymuna on the mule I reserved a specially affectionate glance, at which her expression broke into a radiant smile.

I walked around to the front of the mule on foot and grabbed the reins. I walked with my head down so as to avoid looking at people and followed a path to a suburb that was far away from the Castilian army and its spies. That was how I came to traverse a number of grassy flats and dusty hills. Maymuna was perched on top of her mount; every time I looked round, she was breathing in the fresh air until her cheeks were rosy. She kept staring in amazed contentment at the gorgeous attractions that nature was displaying for her. I had no doubt in my mind that she was experiencing the most profound forms of inner serenity and happiness. What struck me forcibly was that our grassy, bowered path was completely empty of other living creatures, save for a few insects and worms wending their own way. Over them butterflies were fluttering, harbingers of spring with its own particular scents and perfumes.

For a while both of us remained in our own worlds. But, once we reached the top of a tree-lined hill with some shade, she signaled me to stop. I was not sure whether it was out of sympathy for my feet, or because she needed to excuse herself. I responded willingly, whereupon without even asking she simply threw her feather-light body on me. I hugged her in my arms, lay out a rug, sat her down on it, and brought over a bag whose contents I described to her. Looking straight at me, she invited me to sit beside her and share the food and chance to relax. I took the saddle and stirrup off the mule and let it meander in the field to taste the fruits of God's bounty. That done, I did as she requested and sat down beside her.

On that remarkable day I got back to my home just after noon; it was a day that I'll never forget as long as I live. I got down off the mule, lifted my happy, tearful companion down, and returned her to Zaynab, who was anxiously awaiting her return. I headed for my room with the intention of calming my own feelings and making arrangements for the two women once I had departed. At midnight I called my sister in. She brought me a light supper and sat down beside me. She was very happy and told me that Maymuna was sound asleep, something she had not been able to do for some considerable time.

"How's that?" I asked her.

"She's just like a suckling child," she replied, "one that's got everything she could possibly desire. And it's all thanks to you, my dear brother. You're now assured a good reward on Judgment Day!"

"No," I replied, "you should rather thank God who has taken her under His all-benevolent wing and provided her with what she needs, something I was unable to do. Now I need some rest. Tomorrow morning soon after dawn I'm going with God's aid first to Murcia, then to Sabta. My servant, Salman, is too old to accompany me; he prefers to stay where he was born and grew up. If he gets sick or needs anything, I am relying on you to give him sustenance. Here's some money that should last you and those with you for a while, or as long as God wills. My student 'Abd al al-Nasir will serve as our intermediary. And now, my dear sister, go back to your bed."

ON MY WAY TO MURCIA, I thought about the people I was being forced to leave behind: my sister, teary-eyed at my departure; Maymuna, still asleep and clutching some of my hair and clothing; and Raquta, with all its sights, smells, and people. Today, all those particular moments from my youth seem like stars, shining even more brightly and luminously the farther away they are.

At the northwestern outskirts of the city I noticed Castilian soldiers setting up their billets and heading in groups toward the city itself. It was then that I realized that the surrender agreement was being implemented in accordance with the terms they had imposed on our debauched and defeatist rulers-God alone possesses power and might!

Close to the center of the city I witnessed a remarkable event. A vagrant clown came toward a group of soldiers who were stopping passers-by and searching them. With a gesture of his stick he insisted that they leave him alone and treat him like a warrior fighting for God's cause. They kept laughing at him and guffawing at his antics. Just then I watched as the man went up to two of them and plunged a dagger into them before running off. A hue and cry ensued, as voices announced that two soldiers had been stabbed to death. With that, the soldiers started beating up anyone wearing turbans or skullcaps. For my part I decided to get away as fast as I could so as to avoid this totally unexpected disaster. However, I had only gone a mile or so before another group of soldiers stopped me and searched my baggage. When they found nothing incriminating, their officer stared long and hard at me, then told me to move on. It usually happens that my eyes and general appearance get me out of sticky situations; maybe they are won over by the tokens of the spiritual traveler, one in quest of the realms of the absolute and essential. Whatever the case, many is the time I have managed to escape by the skin of my teeth and steer clear of the traps that this world presents to the unwary! These tokens that I seem to possess are a blend of innate talent and acquired skill. Without them I would certainly have found myself thrown into prison or madhouse, if not actually crushed and killed-that being the sorry fate of many of my peers.

Salman was waiting for me at the door of my house. He was overjoyed to see me and helped me get my things inside. He told me that the students had asked for me several times during my absence. I asked him if `Amr had been one of them, and he told me that he had indeed. Before leaving to go about his own business, he handed me a sealed letter that my brother had sent. In it he notified me that the chief of police had released my disciple, 'Amr from Cordoba. Now I was obliged, he said, to leave Spain as I had promised. If I stayed with the Nasrids* in Granada, who were the sworn enemies of the Banu Hud and their amir, Baha' aldin the Mighty, then they would arrest all my followers and put them in prison.

What an utterly ridiculous threat! Having spent so long in the vicinity of the Banu Hud in Murcia, did they imagine that I would now exchange their regime for that of the Banu Ahmar* in Granada? That would be like leaping out of the frying pan into the fire!

I summoned Salman and asked him about Qatr al-nada, since I was thinking about sending her a letter. He told me he had heard that she had left for a town whose name he could not remember. I now told him that I myself was about to leave as well, and he received the news with a mixture of resignation and resolve, almost as though he already knew or expected it. I suggested to him that he might serve my sister, Zaynab, and keep her company in Raquta, to which he replied that he would certainly make sure to do that by visiting her and asking after her. However he also said that, provided that I gave my approval, he preferred to remain in this house until such time as either the Christians or death forced him to leave. I quickly assured him that such a plan met with my approval. I then asked him to get my bags ready for my journey tomorrow and to locate two guards to accompany me.