Bensalem Himmich - A Muslim Suicide

A pall with octopus-like tentacles hung over an entire people, one that its rulers wanted to remain despised and obedient.

Dear God, grant us all release or an end to this searing torture!

When I arrived, my sister, Zaynab, greeted me with a hug and made me feel very welcome. She asked me what had happened to my horse, and I made a gesture that implied that it had either died or gone away. I in turn asked her about Maymuna. She gave a sigh, then invited me to sit down and partake of some of the food and drink laid out on the table. Thanking her, I took a drink.

"She's well, I hope?" I asked.

"She's well in body, my dear brother," she replied, "but her heart… After your last stay here, she started visiting our Jewish neighbor, Rahil, and asking her for some medicine to cure her condition. Rahil easily diagnosed her condition and confided in me."

I asked her to explain, but she paused for a while. She then whispered to me that the problem was a hopeless love, or that's what the doctor called it. I asked her who the lucky beloved was.

"I'll say it," she told me after s brief exasperated pause, "and leave the rest to God. The beloved is you, my brother. If you could only see what change and illness have done to her, you would cry."

As I brushed my hands against one another, my expression was one of complete astonishment. Up till now I had supposed that Maymuna's love for me was related to a belief in God, but I found it hard to believe that she was in love with me to such an extent that she had become so ill. I asked my sister what I should do.

"According to Rahil," she replied, "the best thing, for the time being, is for you to visit the woman who is in love with you once or twice a month and make sure to treat her with love and affection. As to what happens after that, well, God alone is the sage dispenser…"

At this point I was thinking about telling Zaynab that I was under orders to leave Spain and that I had paid her a visit in order to make sure she had enough to live on and to arrange her affairs before bidding her farewell. However I balked at the idea for fear of making things even worse. Instead I asked her to heat some water so that I could perform the obligatory prayers and then take a well-deserved rest.

I slept heavily and reckon that I must have dreamed a lot of things. Next morning, however, all I could remember were a few snippets. I opened my eyes to see lights; there was Maymuna sitting by my knee, holding my right hand in hers and dropping hot tears on to them. As I sat up, I tried pulling my hand away, but failed.

Was this really Maymuna or simply a specter?

She was looking very pale and thin; her eyes were sunken and her lips looked dry and withered. Her hair was completely disheveled, and her clothes were torn and dirty. I used gentle words to chide her for what she was doing to herself. I asked her to go to the bathroom to wash and put herself to rights.

"Your wish is my command, my dear," she said in a weak, broken voice.

At this point Zaynab and Rahil arrived and greeted me. They helped Maymuna stand up and took her to the bathroom.

All this led me into a contemplation of love's strange ways. I recalled statements by poets and prose writers, so many of them, and pages from the Kitab al-Zahra by the jurisconsult Ibn Da'ud al-Zahiri from Isfahan,* and even more wonderful quotes from Tawq al-Hamama by the renowned scholar Ibn Hazm of Cordoba, the jewel of his era and pride of our Spanish domains-may God afford us the benefit of his knowledge and writings! I was amazed at the way in which hearts in the grip of love remain on fire and that there are so many and various doors to open into its domains, even in eras like our own when we are bombarded by so many convulsions and tribulations.

After two hours or more Maymuna returned with her two companions and sat facing me at a table full of food and drink. She looked a lot better now, and I could detect a musky perfume wafting from her direction. I noticed an eyegesture from Rahil, from which I understood that I was supposed to encourage Maymuna to eat something. I responded by reminding the poor woman that she owed it to herself and told her to eat and drink before taking a rest. She gave me a loving glance, her face transformed by a radiant smile. I was as amazed as my sister when she began to tuck into the food with clear relish and obvious appetite. As for Rahil the doctor, her alert eyes and gestures made it clear that she was enjoying the experience of seeing her expertise and diagnosis proved correct. Once most of the food on the table had been eaten, Maymuna stood up without any help, came over to me, and kissed my hand. I kissed her hand in return and pointed to her bedroom. With an exquisitely delicate energy, she obeyed my command, followed by the two women, who looked both amazed and delighted.

I spent the rest of the day packing up my most valuable books into canvas sacks; then I went out to look for some of my friends from Raquta. The only ones I found were the elderly who were unable to leave. I chatted with them as best I could, sharing their utter despair at our rulers and hearing of their decision to remain on their lands even if it meant dying there. Before I said farewell, one of them stood up and addressed me.

"I and this other man are both Jews," he said, gesturing with his cane, "this other man is a Christian, and these are Muslims like you. Just ask them all how we've lived together in Raquta, not to mention many others in villages and other cities. By our One God, ask them, ask them!"

Many voices responded to this old man, with things like "Yes, just like the teeth on a comb!" "Like the fingers on one hand!" and "We used to give each other counsel and shared in the good and bad things that life offered!"

The old man went on, "Our roots in this land are widespread and intertwined, and they are irrigated by the waters of the One God. There's never been any question of separation or expulsion. My boy, tell that to the people in power in every religious community. Our country has been the ideal, the model, the enlightened community. Make sure they realize that!"

In the early evening I called Zaynab in and without the slightest dissimulation told her that I intended to leave first for Sabta and then for the Holy Territories in Arabia. Contrary to my expectations, she showed no signs of alarm; instead her response seemed quite controlled. I used a few terse phrases to explain that, wherever I went, I would make sure I was as safe as she could possibly wish. I then asked her if she wanted to go with me, but she declined, saying that she was attached to a village with which she was familiar and had no desire to reside anywhere else. That was all quite apart from the fact that she felt bound to stay with Maymuna. I doubted that she had any idea of the treatment that Muslims and Jews would be receiving at the hands of the Castilians and their allies-compulsory expulsion and exile-but all my doubts dissolved into nothing when she proceeded to tell me about the things she herself had witnessed in Raquta and its environs, and what she had heard from Rahil and many people about other regions as well.

"The fact that you're leaving, my dear brother," she said, "is something that's very hard for me to bear, but it'll be even harder for Maymuna. I feel in control of myself and can endure the consequences, but Maymuna certainly can't. My love for you is that of a sister for her brother, but she, poor creature, is passionately in love with you. As far as I can tell, her love has many aspects that are indivisible from each other…"

"Oh, Zaynab," I replied, "if only her love for me were in relationship to God! That's the way I understood it and enjoyed it. What do you advise me to do before I leave?"

"Ever since you came back, my dear brother," she replied, "Maymuna has only had one wish, that you take her for a ride, however short, on your mule."