Joshua Mohr - Fight Song

“Ooooh,” everyone says in surprise.

“What the hell?” says somebody with a Scottish accent from the back.

“The rumors are true: Björn is a true sorcerer!” another guy shouts.

“Wow, it’s sure hard to keep our lives stable standing on this thin ice ,” Zombie Wife says.

“The simplest task, such as just standing here, is a daunting endeavor,” Sputtering Husband says. “I wonder what we can do to better our situation.”

“Have any of you ever felt like this?” Björn asks the audience. There are thoughtful nods, murmurs in the affirmative, knowing and furtive glances between spouses. He continues his speech: “Remember, this couple up here is only one permutation of marital dynamics. Maybe you’ve never officially tied the knot but have lived together for many years. Maybe you’re a same-sex couple. Maybe a long-distance relationship. Maybe your signs don’t correspond to these up here in the slightest, but instead say things like PILL-POPPING FLOOZY, GAMBLES LIKE CRAZY, CLOSET CASE! ADDICTED TO PORN, SHOPS FOR FULFILLMENT, VIOLENT STREAK, HUNG LIKE A TODDLER, DRUNK & INDIFFERENT, I’M SETTLING WITH YOU, BLOWS PAYCHECK AT TITTY BARS, YOU’RE THE WRONG ETHNICITY, COCAINE FOR BREAKFAST, DESIRES S&M BUT ASHAMED TO ADMIT IT, INFIDELITY EMPOWERS ME, I HATE OUR CHILDREN, TOO DAMAGED TO GIVE EMOTIONALLY, YOU EXACERBATE MY DADDY ISSUES, LOST IN SELF-PITY, HAVEN’T HEALED MY PAST TRAUMAS, etc., etc. In the long run, it makes no difference what your particular sign says. Point is that you are here to recapture the magic ! Now, let me ask all of you a very serious question: How long can two people stand on thin ice ?”

From the speakers comes the sound of cracking ice.

A few gasps from the audience …

“I’m feeling vulnerable to catastrophe,” Zombie Wife says.

“I’ve come to expect the worst due to our pattern of toxic communication,” Sputtering Husband muses.

The sounds of cracking, splintering ice grow louder.

And that’s when Sputtering Husband and Zombie Wife fall through the ice and into water. They fall right into the stage and splash around. Holy smokes, Coffen can’t believe his eyes. He didn’t see a trapdoor on the stage earlier, let alone a patch of ice, let alone a patch of ice concealing a water tank. Wow! It’s a magnificent trick — a feat of hearty magnitude.

“It’s sure cold in here,” Sputtering Husband says.

“If only we’d learned to recapture the magic prior to this disastrous yet inevitable conclusion,” Zombie Wife says.

“Don’t let this happen to you and yours,” Björn says to the audience. “Trust me: We can fix whatever’s ailing your relationships. I promise. Think of me as the Lifeguard of Love on Duty. If you fall into the frigid waters of marital discord, I can help you climb out before you freeze to death.”

Coffen’s internal clash to participate in this show hits a pothole as soon as the magician says “Lifeguard of Love.” Bob almost laughs — it sounds too much like a porn: Excuse me, scantily clad coed on the beach. Do you need CPR? My penis is really great at administering it.

He stares at Jane, who still looks to be taking this all very seriously.

“Speaking of freezing to death,” Sputtering Husband says through chattering teeth.

“In a minute,” says Björn.

“My feet are numb,” Zombie Wife says.

“Divas,” Björn mutters, then helps both of them get out of the water. They stand onstage shivering and everyone gives a walloping round of applause before the two walk off and huddle in the corner in blankets.

“Do you know why they call me Björn the Bereft?” the magician asks. “Because of these.” He points at his cheeks, which are slick with tears. “I’ve been crying nonstop for nine years. Nine! Ever since my own marriage failed. My wife and I weren’t clearly reading each other’s signs. Even if we don’t wear real signs around our real necks in everyday life, they are invisibly dangling there. For instance, did I know that Vivian’s invisible dangling sign said BORED IN THE BEDROOM? I had no idea of her boredom in the bedroom. How is anyone supposed to fix something if they aren’t given ample opportunity to make adjustments? It’s common sense, right? So tonight, you are going to articulate what your sign says to your spouse. Hopefully, this exercise can close some of the distance that exists between you. Will everyone please look under their placemats? What’s there? Is there a blank dental bib that you can write on and then fasten around your neck? There sure is. And before you go giving me too much credit, no, that wasn’t a magic trick. I had my interns stash those there before the show. I’m a magician of principles and won’t take credit for feats I myself did not mastermind. You’ll also notice a Sharpie next to your bread plate. Please take a couple minutes and collect your thoughts regarding what should be written on your dental bib. Remember: The sign is already invisibly dangling from your neck. Now, it’s time to be honest with yourself, your partner, and do your best to make the marriage work. Trust me: You don’t want to end up like me, crying for nine years. Could I have stopped crying by now? Yes and no. But I cast a spell on myself to cry every day for the rest of my life so I could help other people avoid the vipers’ nest my wife and I stumbled into. Does that make me a martyr? Am I some kind of emotional hero? We’ll see how history remembers my contribution to the dark arts. I can only hope to be immortalized in the pantheon of legendary illusionists.”

Björn pauses, twirls the ends of his moustache. He’s pacing back and forth in exaggerated, labored strides and making eye contact with all the people near the front, flashing them smiles. Probably the magician thinks he’s being friendly, but all Bob sees is a snake oil salesman trying to dupe people into buying his miracle tonic.

Björn says, “Don’t show your sign to your partner until I tell you to. For now, only worry about writing on it, then stand up next to your chair. Once everyone is standing, I’ll know we’re ready for the next phase. Good luck.” He wipes more tears from his face.

Jane looks at Bob, but he can’t read her expression. He wishes his wife were easier to decipher, like Dumper and his slithering tongue. No way to misinterpret that. But how’s Coffen currently supposed to gauge Jane?

He smiles at her.

She immediately looks down at her dental bib.

They both prepare to write. Everyone in the place uses their forearms, hands, even elbows to block anybody from seeing their messages while they write, like kids in school trying to keep their test answers secret from nosy neighbors.

This is harder than it sounds; it seems to Bob that a task of this scale might take hours. Trying to distill the struggles in their lives down to one phrase. Trying to cook the writhing mess of human experience down to a single line. Coffen can’t imagine how everyone here is supposed to diligently weigh the pros and cons, ponder the strengths and weaknesses and roots of the dissonances in their life as a couple, such a sprawling complex web of …

Then Jane rockets up.

She’s the first person to stand, the first person to swiftly identify the problem.

It does not appear that she’s seeing the strings that comprise the nuanced web of discord and instead easily zeroes in on what she deems their marriage’s nemesis.

She holds her dental bib at her waist, facing it backward, so nobody can see it.

“That was fast,” Coffen says to her.

“I know what I want to say.”

“I can’t think of anything.”

“Go with your gut.”

“One sec.”

“You know what’s wrong.”

“I’m still thinking.”